The non-negotiables

One of the best decisions and single most defining moments in my life happened when I was 19 years old. It was the last weekend in January during the new millennium – January 29, 2000, to be exact. I made the decision to pursue the greatest woman in the world. I did my homework on her and carefully selected Liz. I met her earlier in the school year at an Athletes in Action function and casually asked a few other runners about her. Then I watched her at an indoor track meet. When she made her second turn during the first lap of a 3,000 meter race, I was captivated by her stride and look of determination. Of course, she was beautiful so it made the decision easier. I turned to my friend, Clayton, and told him that I was going to marry “that girl.” And I did. It didn’t happen by chance or by fate, though. It came by way of a very intentional process. I was looking for love in all the right places and found it.

I was different than most college students at that time. I had begun to understand my faith and knew that God was going to do big things in and through me. I wasn’t living the college lifestyle many of my classmates and teammates were. I made the decision when I was young to “save myself” for marriage and put myself in the right environments to maintain that standard. In the meantime, I thoughtfully considered my dating standards and, with the assistance of a great mentor, articulated my non-negotiable standards for a wife. At the top of the list was a faith and understanding of Christ that placed God at top of her priority list. My faith was the most important part of my life and it was imperative that whoever I chose to date thought the same way. It wasn’t narrow-minded on my part, it was smart. What was top on priority couldn’t number 5 or 6 on the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. For me, when it came to this, not everyone deserved a chance. I made a decision that I was only going to date those who met my standards for a wife. Fortunately, it only took one.

You have a choice with who you date and you have a choice with the standards you use. Your standards can never be too high for your future spouse (they can be wrong – looks, money, etc. – but never too high). You must determine your non-negotiable standards immediately, no matter how old you are. Think deeply and write them down. Once they’re determined, follow them! Don’t enter into exclusive dating relationships with individuals that don’t meet your standards and, if at any time, the individual you are with demonstrates to you that he/she doesn’t possess one of the non-negotiables, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t matter if he has potential. If he doesn’t meet the standards, move on. I don’t care if she’s really good looking and comes from a great family. If she doesn’t meet the standards, move on. Don’t waste anyone’s time. This doesn’t mean that you throw in the towel every time someone annoys you. I’m talking about the few, specific non-negotiables. If they’re non-negotiable, you shouldn’t have to negotiate with yourself about him/her.

There are far too many people who live accidental lives. They find themselves in a situation or a relationship and they don’t know how they arrived in the place they are. It’s about taking responsibility for your life and the decisions you make. They were reluctant to take initiative and control of the decision making process and allowed things to happen that were less than best for their lives. They didn’t have the courage to go against what culture was saying and listen to what their heart was saying. They weren’t selective in who they chose to date. They let the date choose them. They were looking for love in all the wrong places.

On our wedding day, Liz gave me a beautiful letter that she had written. In it, she wrote, “you have nothing I can’t live with and everything I can’t live without.” She was looking for love in all the right places, too. She chose me. And I chose her. We’ve been married for over 8 years and we’ve had to work through many issues and problems. The dynamics of our relationship have changed with careers, children, mortgages, etc. Neither of us is perfect. However, it’s not about if the other is perfect or not, it’s that we’re perfect for each other.

I made a choice to pursue Liz 3,882 days ago and every day since I’ve made the same decision. Life is about making decisions and in the end, those decisions make you.