My oldest son has hypotonia (low muscle tone). It affects everything he does physically. Recognizing hypotonia is relatively straightforward, but diagnosing the underlying cause can be difficult and often unsuccessful, as we've experienced. The long-term effects of hypotonia on a child's development and later life depend primarily on the severity of the muscle weakness and the nature of the cause. When we took our son to his one-year doctor, he was far behind other children. He never did crawl and struggles daily to "keep up" with kids his age in everything that requires gross motor skills. When we went to his one-year check-up, it was the responsibility of the doctor to bring hypotonia to our attention and explain the potential long term effect. After all, she is the expert in regards to my son's health, right? It goes without saying that I want what is best for my son. However, that doesn't preclude that I know what is best. I did everything in my capacity to get him to walk by 10 months like other parents. I had the best of intentions, but it took an expert to tell me that something was not right.
As a competitor in the sport of wrestling, I won the high school state tournament, earned a college scholarship, was sponsored by a club and even made money and traveled the world. As a coach, I have been involved with every level from youth to senior athletes. I have been in the corner for little kids and Olympians. I have run practices at the Olympic Training Center on a Thursday and worked with kindergarten athletes at a local school on a Friday. I have gotten off the airplane from the World Championships, got in my car and arrived just in time to blow the whistle to start a high school practice. I've been employed by high schools, colleges and senior-level clubs and have operated camps for all ages. Additionally, I serve on a variety of prominent wrestling boards including USA Wrestling, Wisconsin Wrestling Federation, National Wrestling Coaches Association, Women's College Wrestling Association and others. Don't I have a responsibility to the wrestling community to share my insight on this topic? Does it make sense that I might have an idea on what the lasting impact youth sports has on our athletes?
No one accuses the Department of Public Instruction of telling parents how to parent. They determine the curriculum and State Standards based on the needs of children, not the desires of parents. Parents are still free to choose how to raise their children, however, standards don't change for them. No one thought to accuse my family doctor of judging me as a parent when she made a referral to the neurologist. Why do parents instantly take a defensive stance when someone suggests there's a better way than the current sports culture? Too many parents take this personally and refuse to see the big picture. Whether or not one has kids has no bearing on their ability or inability to devise programs that are best-suited for kids.
In my previous blog, I presented very clear evidence that our approach in youth sports is backwards. It's not an opinion; the system is broken. By pointing this out by no means assumes that I'm questioning parenting choices. If anything, I'm demonstrating that I identify with them. If we're trying to keep up with the Joneses, it's imperative that we find out where the Joneses are going.
We trust the "experts" when it comes to our health, but not when it comes to athletics? Do parents really know what is best simply because they want what is best? Who are the experts? I believe I have a responsibility to the parents to share what I see firsthand almost everyday. Supporting the current system by stating that we're doing what the kids want doesn't seem logical. Simply because a child wants to do more doesn't automatically make it acceptable. My kids want candy for dinner, so do I give it to them because they want it? Of course not. I know we're talking about two significantly different situations in child rearing, however, the premise for me deciding that candy is not a good option is because I'm interested in my children's long term health and development. Are we using the same paradigm when we choose to take advantage of athletic opportunities?
I'm passionately interested in what children have to say when I ask them the question, "why do you wrestle?" The answers I hear have become very predictable and they help me maintain a healthy perspective. I ask parents a version of the same questions, "why do you want your son/daughter to wrestle?" Sometimes I even ask them how they feel their son/daughter would answer the questions. I'm never surprised that many parents are on a different wavelength than their child.
I look into the eyes of many wrestlers and dig deeply to get to their core when asking why they do what they do. I want to know the individual's "purpose" in sport and life. I'm only moderately interested in his/her goals, yet many parents insist that they're doing "all of this" to help him reach his goals. I wonder if those who think we're not on the wrong path are actually listening to the hearts of the athletes - at all levels. Are we asking the right questions? Are the right people making the right choices?
I have an obligation to the sport of wrestling. And sometimes more is less. Parents deserve better. We shouldn't have non-experts making decisions about the direction and culture of sports.
"Plans are great. But missions are better. Missions survive when plans fail, and plans almost always fail." - Seth Godin
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I am not surprised by the attacks on this blog from some of the people that read it. The people that are defensive to the message may be the ones that the message is about and is for. People are blinded by their faults, but are quick to ridicule other peoples faults and ideas. Kevin's mentality with his club is unlike most clubs from what I have experienced. Most clubs are measured by the success of athletes in their sport. I feel Kevin measures success by developing boys into young, responsible, men in society. I felt Victory wasn’t created to see how many state champs the club could make. I feel it was created to seek out the greatness of an individual and bring out that greatness for the world to experience that individuals greatness. He gets the 'big picture.' What are you going to do when you are done with wrestling? Success is sport is often not as important as development of character. I am not grateful for the technique and training environment I had while training at Victory. Embracing and finding individuality as a person is more important to me. It is going to transfer into my life everyday with or without wrestling in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I love competing. I love winning and hate losing. I love training. I love the sport of wrestling. Wrestling is going to end for my career.. and then what? Am I going to be able to use my technique I learned from a wrestling club to help me be a ‘better‘ man in the community? Does the success of an athlete matter after they are done competing? Will tomorrow still come if your son didn’t win little kids state tournament? What’s more important is the character development created while I attended Victory. Kevin embraces humility in his athletes. He speaks to the greatness in his athletes and helps them identify their purpose in life. He cares about you as a person. Of course he wants you to be success and is going to help you be successful but I feel that wasn’t his top priority with his club. If you find your purpose in life and are successful at the sport of wrestling, then your killing two birds with one stone. What makes it more remarkable is that Kevin wasn't some Joe Schmoe in wrestling. He is the only 4x undefeated Division I state champ in Wisconsin history. He is an example of the ‘success’ you want to see in your children. Would you question the way other prestigious athletes achieved and perceive success? He has had success at all levels coaching and teaching. He is a prodigy of the sport and I think he 'gets' the system of wrestling. I find it quite scary when I read the comments stating that parents will do whatever it takes to 'catch' their child up to other children in sports. Are you measuring your child's success by how well they do in a particular sport? Is success is sport more important that the development of character? I try to pick the brains of prestigious athletes. I shared the blog and responses with Olympic Champion John Peterson today to see how he felt about the topic. He used the analogy of training your kids like a race horse. A racing horse can only race so many times in it’s life time so you don’t want to ‘waste’ the races when it is young and undeveloped. He talked about keeping the race horse ‘in the barn’ and letting it out for a little bit and then putting it ‘back in the barn’ to save its races for when it counts. You don’t want the race horse to run all of it’s races before the highest racing level. The ratio of high school practices to competitions compared to higher level practices to competition is backwards. Why are the higher level athletes competing less and practicing more? The system is backwards. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean it is okay.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is you make your own assumptions as to the reasoning behind parents pushing their kids beyond the norm. In your belief you assume it's because they want their child to achieve the highest level, you assume they're trying to keep up with Jones, you assume our children are being mentally abused and robbed of their childhoods.
ReplyDeleteIt's your assumptions that is the problem. You have a great example above about a doctor giving a diagnoses, but that is based on medical evidence not assumptions, guesses and personal feelings.
I do agree you have a great wrestling and coaching resume (I'm glad you shared it), but no where do I see you as a qualified child psychologist and that's the whole underling point of your blog isn't it? You know what's best for our children's mental health...not on the mat, you know what's best for their future? Right? The way you describe parents and the mental abuse to kids in your first blog and how you went for a more emotional response in your 2nd blog, says it all.
If people get past the fact that you were a great wrestler and read your thoughts, you are basically saying every kid standing on the podium at state was robbed of their childhood. I'm sure you've been around long enough to know that most practice much longer than the season--some even at your own club!
I also found it interesting that you see this "almost every day" perhaps while you "look into the eyes of wrestlers"...again it's obvious you are passionate about the kids, but once again...you are making assumptions. You see this almost everyday??? C'mon, so you are saying everywhere you go, these youngsters are being robbed of their childhoods by these overbearing parents.
Your beliefs go above and beyond the future of the sport, you set yourself as judge of both parents intentions and the future of our children based on if YOU feel they are doing too much.
@Corey - I too have heard Ben give his horse analogy, I believe it was at the same camp where Gable tells the youngsters how important it is for off season training. All kids are different and there is no one size fits all for sports, training and life.
I think the comments on the side of his blog says his intentions. He says, "...inspire others to live their lives to a higher standard of excellence...." It's one thing to be a witness of Christ, but another to be self-righteous and judgmental of others.
ReplyDeleteKevin needs to realize that his personality is one of those that feels the need to convert others to how he thinks and feels.
For example the name of his blog is "lend me your imagination"--meaning take a moment to see how I think or check out my ideas. He said he made this blog to "inspire others." He offers himself as a paid public speaker. He feels the need to dig into the heads of his kids and make's his own assumptions about what they're about (his whole comment about looking into their eyes to get to their core). He judges parent's intentions and predicts the child's future. Remember we aren't talking about the future of wrestling, reread his statements--he's talking about the emotional condition of our children.
It's obvious that Kevin feels he walks a higher road than the rest of us. Kevin, do Wisconsin a favor, be a great coach, be a great example to those around you, continue to get paid big bucks for off-season training and camps, but keep your psycho-bable to yourself and let us decide what's best for our children's future.
Lay off Kevin. If we lived close I'd send my boys to his club at $2,100 per kid.
ReplyDeleteKevin, I spent a bit today reading some of your past blogs and I'm conflicted. I do agree with much of what you say, but in MANY of your past blogs you seem to be very judgement about parents and their intentions. You are obviously conflicted by this, yet at the same time you make a living by being paid to pander to these types of parents that you seem to despise?
ReplyDeleteTo the person who cited that Kevin wasn't a child psychologist:
ReplyDeleteI cringe at what one would think of the youth wrestling culture, in particular, if they took in a standard youth meet in WI.
Having introduced hundreds of people to the sport of wrestling who otherwise would not have seen the sport, I can tell you that the look on their face when seeing a youth meet for the first time says it all.
Be it ethics, public relations, or just overall management; our sport needs an overhaul.
One thing that I do find interesting is that most, if not all, the people that don't agree with Kevin don't post their name. Kevin and I haven't always agreed on everything, but I believe we have had some good discussions over the years which has given each of us a better understanding of where each other is coming from. I can honestly say that I have learned far mare from him than he has learned from me.
ReplyDeleteI for one am no expert and have made my mistakes along the way with my kids. I also believe I was smart enough to realize that I didn't have all the answers and sought the advice of many that had been there, especially when it came to wrestling. I still wish that I would have listened even more. Along the way, I have tried to pass along the things that I have learned by using both the information that I have learned first hand, as well as, the information that I have learned from others. Some people listened and others didn't. Later on, there have been people that came up to me to say they wish they would have listened not only to what I had said, but what others had said because they thought they knew better.
Again, I am far from an expert, but I do find it interesting that people believe they are so unique that they are the only ones to know what is best for them and their children and would rather tune out those around them that have "been there and done that". Parents do learn, but do we all learn soon enough for our situation? I always love to use the example of youth tournaments where there is a separate gym for the older kids. The older kid gym is always quieter than the gym with the younger kids. I don't think that is by chance. I wish there was a magic way for a new parent into wrestling to start with the experience they end up with. Imagine what a difference there would be in both gyms.
There is one thing that is true for all of us parents and that is that we all have the same opportunity to screw our kids lives up. As my mom told me when I first became a parent; "They don't come with manuals." I think we all try our best to do the best, we all seem to take different pathways to do it and somehow they still seem to turn out just fine.
For those with younger kids in wrestling, I wish you the best and hope you do a better job than I did because I think we can all do better.
Brent Harry
Well since someone brought it up, I am a clinical psychologist and have the good fortune to have a son that participates in Victory School of Wrestling.
ReplyDeleteI cannot say enough in regard to how high my opinon is of Kevin and his views on this subject. I have seen things that were plain out abusive by both parents and coaches at youth wrestling tournaments because parents were more invested in producing the next youth state champion than producing responsible young men and women of the future. I think people need to look at themselves more if this subject is producing such a livid response. Sounds like things may be hitting home a bit.
Corey, thanks for sharing your perspective, you said it better than I ever could.