How is your relationship with your child?

I've been deeply involved in coaching wrestling for over 15 years.  It's my full-time job and I love it.  I've had the unique opportunity to coach athletes between the ages of 4 and 40 years old from the casual first year participant to Olympic athletes.  I've learned a lot about myself and the sport of wrestling from thousands of different types of people with thousands of different backgrounds.  Some have been heroic, others have been tragic; some are quite predictable and others are outrageous.  As a result, my coaching philosophy has matured with me and I've grown into a much better coach, husband, father and man.

As a coach, I've seen several unhealthy relationships between parents and children first hand.  You've all heard stories of the overbearing, out-of-control sports parents.  Being directly involved in a handful of unfortunate situations and seeing several others from the perimeter, being proactive in helping the relationships within our program is a priority.  After all, if it's a priority in my house, it should also be in our program.

As a parent, one of my primary responsibilities in the child rearing process is to help mold and shape my children so that one day we will have healthy adult relationships.  I'll always be their father, however, my opportunity to raise them is only a small part of the lifelong relationship we will have.  I'm afforded 18-20 years to instill in my children the things that are most important.  After that, my duty and role changes.  I'm putting everything I can into making these years count.  I don't want to assume anything, so healthy communication is extremely important.

How is your relationship with your child?  If you're open to reading a blog titled "How is your relationship with your child," you're probably a good parent.  You're likely introspective and reflective.  You want what's best for your children and you want to be the best you can be.  I've seen well-intented parents temporarily lose their way for a season in life because they were misguided or influenced by the wrong things.  They thought their kid was thinking one thing while they were actually thinking the opposite.  It's a sad story when the relationship between parent and child is strained as a result of sports.

A well documented survey was conducted on thousands of college and professional athletes over three decades who were asked to think back to: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response was: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The same athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great and excited about their involvement after a competition.  Their overwhelming response was: "I love to watch you play."

These are the answers from college and professional athletes.  The answers alone don't tell if they have healthy relationships with their parents or not and that's why it's important to ask the athletes about their experience.  Sometimes their answers are in stark contrast to what their parents perceive or are experiencing themselves.  The vast majority of parents that ride home from games (or practice) making it miserable for their children don't do so with malicious intent.  They're not the stereotypical crazy sports parents who push their kids beyond what's healthy.  They're good parents who can't resist the urge to initiate conversation about the contest.  So often it's the obvious conversation at the forefront of their minds.  However, in the moments following a competition, win, lose or draw, kids make a rapid transition from athlete back to child and they'd prefer if parents transitioned from spectator (or coach) back to mom and dad at the same pace.  I think parents would be surprised that the bus ride home usually involves very few conversations about the contest amongst athletes.

Parents sometimes feel there's a need to address certain aspects of the contest, however, the young athletes doesn't want to hear it immediately after the competition and, almost definitely, doesn't want to hear it from a parent. Sometimes, communication breakdowns occur and one might be thinking they support the other, but the one who needs to hear it actually hasn't heard it.  These subtle misunderstandings can lead to "performance-based acceptance" and that's not good for any meaningful relationship.

Now, before you sweep this notion under the rug and draw the conclusion that your kid is fully aware of your unconditional support, I challenge you to consider the question and have the courage to ask your son or daughter.  I have found it to be a humbling experience for nearly every parent who sincerely asks the question how is my relationship with my child?  It's not meant to create more insecurities for you as a parent.  Instead, it's an attempt to help us become aware of our reality.

I hope your son or daughter plays division 1 college athletics.  I hope they earn the opportunity to play their sport of choice for a living.  I'm going to do everything I can to help them achieve those dreams.  I'm going to demand excellence, expect greatness and push them to be their best.  I can make that guarantee.  What I hope for more than this is that the relationship with your child would strengthen through this process instead of breakdown and deteriorate.

I'm passionate about this topic because after 15 years of coaching, there are a large number of former athletes who value me in their life more than their parents.  In some cases, they have a much better relationship with me than they do with their parents do.  Why?  I've been around several programs who say they value family, however, very little is done to be intentional about it.  This is a step in the direction of being intentional.

In my experience as an athlete, I had two very supportive parents.  They understood their role and let my coaches coach.  They've always been mom and dad; I've never been confused about that.  I'm forever grateful for how they allowed my athletic career to be my own.  I enjoyed some success and I'm proud of it.  I've also taken advantage of many opportunities that were created because of sports.  As a 35-year husband and father of three, I'm much more thankful for the relationship with my parents today than I am for my fleeting athletic accomplishments of the past.  I talk to one or both of my parents everyday.  I trust that they have my best interest in mind while respecting the boundaries of a healthy adult relationship.  I'd more proud of my influence in the life of an athlete if he/she could say the same 15 years from now than if they achieved on-the-mat success at the expense of what matters most.

Family dynamics is important in our program.  It's not just lip service.  We offer tangible and productive ways for parents to engage in the lives of their sons and daughters.  Sometimes it's difficult, inconvenient or uncomfortable.  Recently, I gave our wrestling parents an assignment over two weeks to ask some important questions as well as share some important information.  The activity has yielded great results and families are having meaningful conversations.

Sports parents might be surprised to hear their son/daughter tell them how they really feel.  58% of children say their mom or dad are too distracted to listen to them when they have something to say.  How about you?  Are you asking the right questions and are you listening to their answers?