Our vision comes primarily from four points used in Raising A Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. A real man rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously and expects a greater reward. We expand on these points by striving to live for something bigger than ourselves or having a "transcendent cause" (expecting a greater reward). Additionally, we believe that real men are contributors, not consumers and protect others.
If we expect our boys to become men, we have to lay out a clear vision of what that means. If they're left to discover what a man is on their own, they'll likely base their ideas on what others tell them and might miss the mark entirely. Unfortunately, there aren't many quality influences lining up to tell them what it means to be a man. Instead, they hear from society, television, radio and other places to drink this to be a man or drive that to be a man. Take the opportunity to watch the commercials during the Super Bowl this weekend and evaluate if they're telling boys that their manhood is defined by what they consume or the contributions they make. I assure you, the message will be loud and clear. Hollywood offers a few heroic stories of manhood, but it doesn't get much clearer in the movies, either.
A typical story line in today's movies features a guy who has to overcome adversity or fight the patriarchy or "bad guys." Once he is successful, he collects his rewards, which more than likely is a female character who is drawn to him after he is successful. Sure, there are glimpses of quality life lessons in movies, but they're few and far between.
The Bechdel Test was created by Alison Bechdel as a way to identify gender bias in fiction. It goes like this: 1. There are at least two [named] women in it; 2. who talk to each other; 3. about something besides a man. Try this test on your favorite movies. What does Hollywood tell our boys (and our girls) about how the world works?
Why is this relevant when we talk about manhood? Of the 100 top movies from 2011, only 11 had a female protagonist. This discovery shouldn't surprise us and really has little to do with manhood by itself. However, consider that 1 in every 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That's tragic considering how many victims there are. The other piece of the puzzle, though, is that there are a lot of assailants behind those statistics. What has shaped them? The general message in movie is that the males' job is to defeat the bad guys and collect their reward, which is usually a female who doesn't talk to anyone. There's potential that our boys are taking the message of these movies too seriously. I'm not claiming there's a direct cause-and-effect correlation, however, if we're actively and passively teaching boys to exhibit their power without restraint, they will take what they want. We have a responsibility to give these boys a clear vision of manhood that includes protecting others (especially women).
A survey of 11-14 year old kids from the NYC Alliance Against Sexual Assault found that:
- 51% of boys and 41% of girls believe that a man has a right to force a woman to kiss him if he "spent a lot of money on her."
- 32% of boys and girls say it is not improper for a man to rape a woman who has had past sexual experiences.
- 87% of boys and 79% of girls said rape is okay if a man and woman are married.
- 47% of all those surveyed said it was okay for a man to rape a woman he has been dating for more than 6 months.
These stats are alarming, to say the least. Also, consider that 35% of college men indicated some likelihood that they would rape if they could be assured of not getting caught. Where does this come from?
Again, I'm not suggesting that movies are the root of these attitudes and tendencies, but shouldn't we be making a more concerted effort to protect the hearts and minds of our children more than we are right now? We're not going to change Hollywood or what kind of movies lead at the box office, however, we can create a new discourse and talk about what it means to be a man rather than passively allowing our boys to look to movies for heroes while failing to consider the long-term repercussions. We must help our boys (and girls) learn how to protect what goes in so that we can protect what comes out.
Be on guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. - 1 Corinthians 16:13
Posted on the Raising A Modern Day Knight's Facebook page today:
Luke 2:52 ~ "And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in the favor with God and men." There is no better way to describe a young person's development. As parents, we long to see our children grow mentally (wisdom), physically (stature), spiritually (in favor with God), and socially (in favor with others). Make this part of your daily prayer for your son.
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The movies are maybe not a root cause, but they are certainly a reflection of our society's values.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great blog Kevin! I definitely agree with you! I'm interested in reading that book too!
ReplyDeleteKevin, there's a lot in this post. I agree, the stats are unbelievable. But what I want to focus on is the contribute vs. consume expectation of boys. This really rings true for me because I've had to battle that even as an adult. And I see it in my 4-year old boy. He's typical, he wants to watch tv, play on our devices, all that stuff. I want him to be a boy like that, but I also want him to value creating things, contributing and adding value to his experiences and our family. That starts now. And it's very difficult for me when I'm gone so much. But this blog post really helped remind me how important it is for me guide Sorin in this direction.
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