Boys forfeiting to girls

Two weeks ago, history was made in the state of Iowa when two female athletes qualified for the state wrestling tournament. The tournament turned into a media frenzy after a boy decided that it was inappropriate to take the mat against a female competitor. There has been a lot of interest in this story within the wrestling community and outside of it, including from ESPN and the New York Times. Public opinion about this situation is all over the spectrum. I've been asked what I thought many times. In a previous blog post, I did my best to present both sides of the story in an objective way. Now, after more people have started to voice their opinions, I'd like to share my thoughts on male wrestlers forfeiting to female wrestlers and specifically on the situation in Iowa.

Before I do, it's important to understand my stance on gender and competition. I believe God created male and female with distinction and uniqueness. Obviously, this is a sensitive topic because it's politically incorrect to discuss the differences between men and women. I believe men and women deserve equal treatment under law and should have equal opportunities, however, the two genders are significantly different. To maximize the competitive potential of both, we must discard the value judgements that these differences are bad and look to a larger social context to explain behavior.

Males and females take different perspectives on the world. The experiences that shape values, the situations that cause fear, and the circumstances that define success stand distinct. At the heart of these differences lies a masculine identity defined by a basic sense of living separate from others as opposed to a feminine identity defined by a basic sense of living connected to others.

If this is true, each gender approaches competitive situations from vastly different contexts. Girls come to the gym seeking to bond as a means to success; boys battle each other to achieve the same thing. Women are predisposed to connect to achieve goals; men compete to achieve goals. Both want to win and both want results, but they hold markedly different ideas on how to access their aspirations.

Men learn to view the world as a hierarchical social order. They value autonomy, latitude, and winning. Females value attachment, intimacy, and interdependence. Males fear helplessness. They may be wary of commitment if they see it as a loss of freedom. Females fear rejection, isolation, and abandonment. They equate these conditions with loneliness and failure.

Knowing these simple, but complex, gender differences gives us context to understand why individuals can have such differing opinions about what happened in Iowa. To a boy, the person across from him in the circle is trying to take something that he believes is rightfully his. He is bound and determined to fight for it because he believes winning that battle is the mark of a man. Now, match that same boy against a girl and the hierarchical struggle drastically changes. The motivation isn't the same and it becomes a lose-lose situation for the boy (if he wins, he loses; if he loses, he loses). This fear drives the boy, and often times his dad, to look for a way out or a way to win and it seems as if the wrestling community and many Christian circles have given boys and men a free pass to forfeit to the girl by claiming they respect women and cite the Bible as their source. However, the act of forfeiting leaves the girl feeling abandoned, as if her efforts and struggles didn't mean the same as the boys. Not taking the mat and acknowledging her as an athlete is the epitome of disrespect to a female wrestler.

I'm not in a position to make a judgement on the male wrestler in Iowa who forfeited to the female, however, I do believe I am privileged to question the logic that he (and his parents) used because we're both claiming to be representing Jesus Christ on this subject.

First, the boy said that wrestling is violent and he didn't believe it was right to engage a female in that manner. I think I know what he's trying to say, but I think he missed the mark. And why are Christian circles so quick to jump on this bandwagon? I would argue that wrestling is NOT violent. If he's approaching the sport with violence, then I believe it is wrong for him to engage any human being in this manner - boy or girl. Wrestling is combative, but not violent. There are inherent risks to the sport, as there for any sport, and all of the participants are fully aware of those risks. Wrestling is a combative sport that has specific rules to assure that it is not violent. By claiming that it is "violence" sounds too much like "machismo," or excessive masculinity, or chauvinism. It epitomizes the tough guy stereotype alpha male, socially and physically dominating and imposing his will upon others. That attitude is the antithesis of the Bible. It's laced with pride and there is no honor in that.

Forfeiting to a female on the grounds of respecting her is a slap in the face to every female athlete forced to compete against boys. The girl doesn't interpret this act as respectful. I've asked many of my female athletes how they feel about this topic and they're all vehemently opposed to boys forfeiting to them "out of respect for women." I guess I think the females should have a say on this topic. After all, it's directly affecting them, isn't it? I have yet to talk to a female wrestler who said this is a sign of respect or chivalry. So why do we champion it as being so? In my marriage, if my wife feels disrespected because of something I did believing I was respecting her, isn't it logical to conclude that I'm actually not being respectful if she's feeling disrespected? If the girl doesn't believe she's being respected, we can't continue claiming this decision is about respect for the girl.

In 2007, I went to Azerbaijan for the World Championships. In the arena, the ushers constantly walked up to the Americans and told us to put our feet on the ground when we were resting them on the seat in front of us. Showing the bottom of our feet was the ultimate sign of disrespect in their culture. What that act shows to others is that they are below you. Of course, I meant no disrespect by it. It was a cultural difference. However, I didn't hang on to my belief system the rest of the time I was there because I didn't want to show any disrespect. I feel that men are constantly showing the bottom of their feet to women in the sport of wrestling and then, out of fear, hide behind an inerrant claim that they respect them. The problem is, the women don't feel respected.

The only time I support a male forfeiting to a female is if wrestling a girl causes a boy to struggle sexually. I'm in favor of him opting out, but call it what it is. If close contact with a female on a wrestling mat takes a males mind to another place or gives a "hint of sexual immorality" (Ephesians 5:3), by all means, forfeit, but be a man and tell the real reason for not stepping to the line. Don't hide behind the pseudo-chivalrous claim of "respecting women."

I'm sure I ruffled a few feathers on this one. This is precisely why I believe every state association needs a separate boys and girls division. Individuals shouldn't be forced to make difficlut decisions that can be so drastically misunderstood by the two genders.

*work cited: Gender and Competition by Kathlees deBoeur.