Two weeks ago I posted a couple of blogs that I knew would ruffle some feathers. There's been a whirlwind of responses - both negative and positive. Some relationship dynamics have noticeably changed. Word has gotten back to me that others have brought up this topic in a variety of settings from board meetings to the dinner time. It's not an easy conversation for many, however, breaking the ice is the important first step and I'm not afraid of losing popularity points by speaking the truth. I've had my eyes opened to some great things I was not aware of and, even more, I'm convinced that the experts have the authority on this subject, not parents.
When I say, "parents," I'm not talking about the 90-95% of parents who show up and drop their kid off at the door, sit in the stands and offer support or who are just taking advantage of the opportunities presented. It's a much smaller percentage of parents in leadership roles and coaching positions who are making the big decisions on behalf of the other parents and their children. I'm talking about the parents who are responsible, either by choice or by default, for the direction of our youth programs. I'm concerned with the parents who think they know what it takes and are erroneously choosing their own opinions over the opinions of experts.
Who do I consider an expert in this subject matter? First, I think pediatricians, sports medicine personnel, sports psychologists, sports science researchers and, in most cases, educators have a level of expertise that is greater than that of a parent of a youth athlete. Second, I'm not claiming to be an expert in this field although some have credited me or discredited me in that attempt. I'm making no suggestions that I'm an expert or know all considering youth sports. On the contrary, I know very little. However, I'm much more inclined to listen to the experts I mentioned above over the emotionally charged opinions of parents who are currently in the middle of the youth sports experience and controlling the direction of our programs. That I would choose the listen to the expert opinion over a parent's opinion causes a great deal of tension.
The two biggest things I learned over the last two weeks are that after being involved in some capacity, many parents believe they have authority and expertise. As if experience alone is enough to have influence on the next steps. I also learned that this is very much a societal issue, not a sports issue. Let me explain...
Over the last few weeks, my father and I built an extraordinary "treehouse" for my three kids. We basically made a blueprint on the back of a napkin and trucked to Menards for supplies. After a few snags at the beginning, once we started drilling it seemed like the fort took shape very quickly. The result is one of the best treehouses I've seen, complete with a front porch, special kid's entrance, a bridge, garage, monkey bars and a No Trespassing sign. I am not a carpenter and if you ask anyone close to me they'll quickly agree that hammers and nails are not designed for me, but those who have seen our fort are utterly impressed...except one guy who found it necessary to point out that the roof probably wasn't rated for snow load, or that a real carpenter would have used an impact driver.
Now, let's take my carpentry experience and use our youth sports logic to see how far it gets us. The facts are: I had a lot of fun building this tree house and I was able to spend important quality time with my dad and with my kids. It gave me a small break from the everyday stresses of life and I was able to pour energy into something that yielded great results. Since it's been finished, I've had incredible memories sleeping in it, watching movies, etc. It's also passed for being a tremendous architectural success.
No one can dispute these facts. It's my reality and my back yard. Do those facts alone give me the license or expertise to start building all over town? Does one treehouse suggest I'm up-to-speed on all of the OSHA regulations and guidelines? Have I even scratched the surface on how to properly build a treehouse or single-family home? Should I be in line to build the next playground for our parks and rec department? Of course not. That's ridiculous. I wasn't a carpenter before my experience and I'm no more of one after it.
Those of you suggesting I shouldn't put my expertise up against the likes of Lennar Corporation, for example, doesn't mean you're questioning my decisions or role as a parent. No one is trying to tell me that I didn't enjoy building the tree house or that I shouldn't build another one in the future, right? Maybe, just maybe, I don't have the construction market cornered after one treehouse. My neighbor suggested that when I run power to the treehouse, I should include a ground fault. That sounds like it makes sense, but it was far from being on my radar. What else am I missing? Are there more important health and safety steps?
My opinion in the construction world should hold far less weight than even the first year construction management student at a local state university. Yet, using the youth sports logic, I have as much, and often more, to say about how we should build houses after my one treehouse compared to Lennar, who has built hundreds of thousands of homes (before you get into the "quality" of Lennar Homes, please see the big picture here).
Stay with me on this analogy...I might choose to take a few steps in my carpentry skills by adding on to our house or installing a bathroom in the basement. At that point, it's important that I get a few professionals involved. There will be building permit requirements, electrician needs, etc. and I'm legally obligated to do things a certain way to meet a variety of codes.
This is where we run into the area of concern in youth sports. It's not the mom or dad who raised his/her hand and coached the U8 team this year. It's never the parent who was asked to be the secretary on the board of directors.
It's the parent who bypasses the "codes" and asserts his/her opinion over expert opinion based solely on his/her personal experience.
There are several resources readily available online for every youth sports league and organization to follow. Blue prints clearly laid out by national governing bodies who have already done the research. Movements like Changing the Game Project and 3 Dimensional Coaching that provide development materials for coaches and leaders free of charge. Professional coaches like Mike Matheney and leadership experts like Tim Elmore and Coach O who help by offering expert opinions. Famous doctors like Dr. James Andrews and Dr. Istvan Balyi provide mountains of research and evidence to be able to suggest best practices. US Soccer and USA Hockey, for example, have long-term athlete development models in place for youth programs across the country.
Parents in positions of influence and leadership in youth sports organizations have a distinct responsibility to do their homework on the subject matter. Parents who are not in these roles have an even greater responsibility to ask those in charge how they're incorporating long-term athlete development principles and for concrete examples of their plan in action producing the desired results. The leaders should be equipped and prepared to answer questions with scientific evidence rather that anecdotal evidence. Believe it or not, there's a very large silent majority who wants better. It's time for them to hold leaders accountable and ask those pressing questions.
It might not be quite that easy, though. Some of the pressure within the youth sports scene is the result of broader societal norms than it is unique to sports.
Last week, we scheduled "Pumpkin Day," a family tradition that is all about pumpkins - pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin chili, pumpkin salsa, selecting and carving pumpkins, etc. It's supposed to be fun for the kids...except after our fourth year of the event, it's become too much of an event for them to enjoy the simplicity of carving pumpkins. This year, we searched online for the perfect pumpkin patch that had a corn maze and a movie theatre in a silo. It was 30 minutes away and after some kicking and screaming, we got all of the boys in the van (behind schedule). We had to stop at Caribou for mom and dad, which led to an additional bathroom stop on the way, and by the time we arrived at the pumpkin patch, it was clear that, up to that point, the day had been about mom and dad and not the kids. I could hear grandparents in my head asking what the heck we were doing. Why did we have to drive 30 minutes to get pumpkins? Why does everything need to be such a spectacle? Why can't we just get pumpkins at the grocery store, go home and carve them? Why can't Pumpkin Day be about pumpkins? Well, rain arrived 45 minutes into our pumpkin patch adventure and, as you might suspect, our boys had lost interest in Pumpkin Day. They wanted to go home and we didn't get around to carving pumpkins or eating seeds that day. There was just too much going on.
And it all hit me: this is normal in our society today. Completely by accident and out of good, honest intentions, Pumpkin Day became too much of a spectacle. So does so much of what our kids are doing. My wife and I were quick to defend our decisions by saying things like, "well, I just thought that..." and "it would be really fun for the kids if..." while ignoring the facts. It wasn't really about the pumpkins at all. It was about mom and dad trying to make the pumpkins more than what they are and, as a result, our kids weren't interested in the pumpkins anymore. This is the way of parenting in 2015 and it's driving the youth sports culture. It's not unique to sports. It's the way it is everywhere you find a child and a parent. In the end, we blame kids for not being tough like they were 30 years ago or for being interested in the wrong things or for being "quitters" when, often times, parents micromanage the bejeezus out of things that should be so simple. We should almost come to expect kids to be disinterested.
Creating and establishing youth sports programs that are focused on what kids need instead of what parents want is countercultural, however, it can and should be done. It's time to ask the hard questions. It's time to expect better.
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Hi Kevin...I appreciate your comments and have long read your posts. They are great and I agree with you 99% of the time. I agree mostly with what you are saying in this post. Here is where I run into not quite agreeing with you...if I understand your point correctly.
ReplyDeleteYou compare the parent as not being an expert on subject matter due to lack of background - your comparison is that of spending one weekend building a tree house does not make you a carpentry expert. You are correct...one weekend does not.
But what if you worked with others on their carpentry skills twice a week and built a tree house every weekend from December - May and did this for 10 years? What if you went to camps and watched more experienced carpenters demonstrating their trades for years and practiced what they demonstrated? But you don't have a degree. Do you still feel that you have less expertise building tree houses than the guy that just came out of school with a first year construction management degree? Who would you rather have build your tree house...someone with years of experience or someone with a degree and no experience?
I have dealt with many contractors over the years and I can tell you that experience (not a degree) makes a huge difference.
So...did I misunderstand your point or do you advocate that getting a degree makes you more of an expert than the experience?
Also...you are right, when it gets to the point of taking on building a house or major remodeling you need to obtain permits...obtaining these permits does not necessarily mean you are an expert in building codes. It just means you got the permit. I can pull a building permit anytime I want. I do not need a special license to do so. All that permit does is hold me responsible for the work.
It does mean that your work will be inspected by someone with a certain level of proven qualifications based on standards set in place by officials. So...that leads to the question of "Who is inspecting the work of youth sports and assuring the "experts" are qualified to have a permit?"
I am not saying you are wrong but based on your analogy there should be a governing body that is requiring a level of education and skill to be involved in youth sports and they should be enforcing these standards. Currently I don't believe there is one..
I have known many "experts" with a ton of degrees from very prestigious higher learning institutions that have told me what they learned in college is not what they practice after years of experience.
Maybe that parent who shows up every practice and every weekend for every event has more on the ball than they are being given credit for...
You're correct in that we don't have a governing body enforcing standards for sports of any kind in the United State. I'm not necessarily advocating for one, however, we are the only major sports country that doesn't have something to the equivalent of a sports ministry. Canada has spent a lot of government research money on athlete development and it's linked to overall health and well-being of children (an area we are significantly struggling in the US).
DeleteRegarding the analogy of the carpenter, I don't believe that having a degree makes one an expert. I agree with you that day-after-day, week-after-week and year-after-year creates experience that has its own unique expertise regarding coaching and interacting with athletes. Those parents are extremely valuable at all levels. The "experienced builder" analogy doesn't hold weight when we begin allowing for a carpenter with exceptional carpentry skills to delve into legal matters, code specifications, etc.
Experienced coaches and parents who spend a lot of time in the action gain important experience to continue being coaches and parents. It doesn't, however, lead them to understanding the science behind things like windows of trainability (times when agility, balance, coordination and speed are most effective according to development stages), how activities affect brain function, physical coordination, posture, balance, etc. in youth athletes, among other things.
Coaches, including experienced coaches and parents, will be the adults carrying out long-term athlete development plans when they're in place, so their critical to the process. And "experience" in that matters tremendously.
Kevin...first...I don't disagree with you. Yes, on the one hand our society pushes kids too hard, too fast and maybe too soon in many things but on the other doesn't our society also emphasize the attitude to not hold kids somewhat responsible? No score soccer games, everyone gets a gold star for attending...don't push the kid too hard.
ReplyDeleteLook at society as a whole. We (organized youth sport folks) are not doing to bad. I will make a bet that the kids that have gone into schools and shot them up or walked into a movie theater to kill people were not expected to commit nor were they held responsible for their commitments. With no research I will make a guess that none of these people were part of an organized sport at a young age.
Back to your builder reference:
I have spent much time with many builders who have had to fix the "experts" mistakes. I can name hundreds of projects that if the builder would have followed the architect/engineers specifications to a tee the building would have failed. That "carpenter with exceptional carpentry skills" saved lives because his experience allowed him to see what works in the "real world" vs what works in theory.
But your analogy aside...it seems you are using the term "coaches" to include experienced parents and coaches, that I can agree with.
How many kids of the '80s and earlier were expected to be responsible and taught the value of losing and winning because our parents didn't buy into the "coddle the kid" attitude?
I was not expected to be the best wrestler on the team...I was expected to get up at 5:30 and milk cows and to be home in the summer to pick rock all day in 80 degree sun. I was expected to be respectful and if I committed to something (sports, work, etc) I was expected to see it through.
But we are too worried that Little Johnny didn't enjoy himself. Mom and Dad were not too concerned if I enjoyed the day at the fair or the movie at the drive in...we went and if we didn't enjoy it that was our problem. Mom and Dad gave us the experience...what we made of it was up to us. Mom and Dad didn't fret because my tire blew out on my bike. I jumped on another bike and went and had a good time. But I had better be home in time for chores...
So my bad analogy aside basically boils down to holding kids responsible. If you are going to be in something be in it. Get something out of it and hopefully the kid will learn a lesson in responsibility. Letting them coast because they just don't feel like it potentially builds the idea that it is okay to not see through your commitments.
Kevin is simply saying that making treehouses should be fun and enjoyable for all involved. And yes, while he (and others) have made some great treehouses, they shouldn't be telling electrical engineers or master carpenters how to do their craft.
ReplyDeleteIf a parent follows their kids to games, attends a few camps, and perhaps even coaches a bit, that is the treehouse builder.
Unfortunately the treehouse builders are running our youth sports. They are dictating how much and how often. They are starting kids younger and younger and having more and more games and competitions rather than practices, scrimmages.
And what all of the experts (sport psychologists, exercise physiologists, college and HS coaches, People who spend years and years researching and working with hundreds or perhaps thousands of kids from a wide variety of backgrounds) are saying and what we are seeing from statistics, is that the treehouse builders are dictating the building of homes and cities, and it's failing. It's hurting our youth physically and mentally. Yet the treehouse builders say their treehouse is the best, they built it, and therefore it is right, and therefore they can and should build other things, bigger things, better things. But it's not. It's built wrong.
The parent perception of "I know what is best for my kid" is often the biggest failing of a parent. It shows they are not only boastful but close-minded as well as they won't listen to those who actually study this stuff. Far too often the children of these parents end up quitting a sport or sports in general. They then miss out on all the positives that can occur later in their teens once their body and minds have matured greatly from that of a 10 year old.
Keep building treehouses, enjoy them, but realize that they have flaws. Listen to the experts on how to make a much better treehouse, one that will be safe and welcoming for years to come.
And as someone who also picked rock, you didn't do it all day every day in 80 degree sun. Nobody does that. You picked rock sometimes, and sometimes it was 80. There's a big difference between reality and your analogy.
My point is that just because you get a piece of paper doesn't necessarily make you the expert. That years of experience and learning from others with more experience is what gives you insight. And many "experts" with that degree are not as qualified as those who have put in the time. Again, as I stated, if you build tree houses for 10 years you become pretty qualified tree house builder. And you would be more qualified than the carpenter that has a degree but never built a tree house before. What happens in the "real world" is usually different than theory.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think most parents will admit they make mistakes and are just trying to make the best decisions they can for their kids based on their own experiences.
But just because someone when through a school and got a degree claiming they were an expert does not instantaneously make them the expert.
Some "expert" came up with common core math...I am sure they are very smart people with very big pieces of paper hanging on their wall. Ask some teachers and parents how well that is working out.
The rock picking analogy...very few are making their kids compete in sports every day, all day either. It seemed like I picked rock every day all day but you are right. But after we were done rock picking we went and picked yellow rocket and after that we baled hay and when that was done we whitewashed the milking parlor. Just because the rocks were picked didn't mean we were done with chores.
And I WAS expected to be in the barn twice a day every day to milk cows, clean stalls, feed, sweep the aisles...etc.
Before you throw out age, I had chores that were required of me as young as 5. And the expectation of my involvement grew as I grew older
Nobody was asking the "experts" if I was not having a good childhood and claiming my parents were pushing too hard. I had a great childhood in my opinion. And most of us grew up to be pretty well adjusted adults.
Many of us moved off the farm. We want to instill a work ethic into our kids and sports is one avenue at a young age that can help instill that work ethic. Can't get the kids a job at McDonald's at 6 but we can put them into sports and teach them to commit to the sport and put the time in.
I agree it does get too competitive in some cases. Sometimes "heat of the moment" gets out of hand. And that seems to be the cases everyone focuses on.
But I feel that a big percentage of parents are just putting their kids in the sports to be in the sport and to learn something about commitment and competition. But we just see the few screaming parents and feel this is the norm in youth sports.
We are too concerned if Johnny is having a good childhood and we feel we need to give them everything. And we worry that maybe they didn't "feel good" about some experience. My parents probably were also concerned but they didn't make a big production of it. They probably wondered if they were screwing me up also but they knew they were doing the best they could and we turned out fine without an "expert" coming in and setting guidelines on the farm.
It used to be that employers would hire a kid off the farm because they knew he/she had a work ethic. That is still true. And now many employers also know that kids with a sports background have a work ethic in them as well. It is almost the "new" kid off the farm check...
Parents choosing how to raise their children is their own business. If they choose to "push" certain things on them on home or elsewhere is their prerogative. Personally, I think we'd all do well to have high standards for our children and encourage a farm-like work ethic.
ReplyDeleteHowever, what happened at home when we were children, or what happens today at home, is a separate conversation.
My reference is primarily to those who bring their children outside of their home for activities (organized youth sports, etc.). These are the areas where they're being lost to naive and uneducated parents making long-term decisions on their behalf - sometimes without either party aware. These parents aren't evil. They have the best of intentions most of the time, but their out of their element. Parenting is not coaching. They're mutually exclusive roles (yes, a parent can coach, too).
Youth programs should be concerned with how Johnny's experience is. Maybe that doesn't mean fun is the only measuring stick, but it should hold more weight than fun at the beginning stages. Things like sportsmanship, retention, basic skills and fundamental movements should be the primary focus on all youth sports prior to the beginning stages of puberty. Right now, it's not, even if there are some parents and coaches who "get it." Right now, youth sports is about competition and, as a result, winning becomes more important than the other things I mentioned. This is what happens when sports science research isn't prevalent in board meeting, setting youth teams schedule and practice planning. Those things require attention to detail and being intentional instead of what is most convenient at the time or for the given group of kids (exceptional or not).