Boys should learn how to fight

One of my athletes was disqualified in his final match at the national tournament last weekend.  It was his second loss during the event, so he was eliminated.  There were a few inconsistencies with how the situation was handled by the officials and coaches (myself included), but after the dust settled, I was proud of my athlete.  He was disqualified for crossing the line of what is and is not acceptable in the sport of wrestling.  He literally "went down swinging" and I am proud of him.

Sports operate within a set of rules and when an official exercises his/her responsibility to hold an individual accountable to them, justice is served.  Wrestling is unique, though.  As a one-on-one combative sport, it's like no other.  A wrestler is under a microscope and in the end, he is responsible for everything that happens inside that circle.  No one can help him.  No one can save him or bail him out.  He's all alone and essentially has to stand-up for what he believes in.

The big picture is this: you have to fight for your place in this sport; nothing is given to you.  You earn it with hard work, blood, sweat and sometimes tears.  Many people choose not to participate in our sport for this reason alone, however, it's crystal clear that the world needs more wrestlers.  We need people who will stand-up for what they believe is right in pressure situations and in front of others.  It starts with being confident in the preparation and training process.  At the minimum, this is what a wrestler stands for when the whistle blows and there's application beyond wrestling in all of it.  Wrestling is a perfect metaphor for life.  Believing in and standing-up for what you've practice for is fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but once in a while someone is challenged beyond those means and it's in that moment we get to see if all the life lessons have actually made a difference.  Real learning doesn't mean clinging to the lessons.  It means absorbing everything you can and then trusting yourself to use what you know instantaneously, without thinking.  Instinctive, not impulsive. Quick, not hurried.  Knowing without a doubt that all the hours of work have created an unstoppable internal resource you can draw on in any situation.

I encourage my athletes to embrace the fighter spirit.  It's an instinct inside all of us.  It's natural and unlearned.  It's innate, especially in boys.  Of course, we need to operate within the bounds of the rules, but we should never tame that wild spirit.  Unfortunately, young boys are encouraged to suppress it time after time and when the opportunity to stand-up and fight for what really matters comes, they're afraid and ill-equipped to do so.  "Most people are the lion in the cage - safe, tame, predictable and waiting for something to happen.  We're born relentless and taught to relent.  There's a difference between training and taming.  You can train people to reach higher and be better and go further than they would on their own.  But taming means training them to be something less" (Relentless, Tim Grover).  We need individuals who have the courage to stand-up and fight for injustice, wrongdoings and challenges to their manhood.  It's no wonder bullies have so much power in today's schools.  We have made the victims powerless.  Fighting back is a natural instinct.  Leave it alone.

The scene from last weekend included two young men straining and struggling for success.  Tempers flared, tensions escalated and wrestling became very physical.  One pushed the envelope and the other pushed back.  They embraced the fight.  The adults outside the action had other ideas and tried to insert their authority, which turned the situation sour.  Then our opponent crossed the line (cheap shot) and my athlete stood his ground without hesitation.  Another individual had challenged his manhood and he stood up to him, face-to-face, toe-to-toe and effectively said, "you cannot and will not treat me this way."  I was proud of him.  He lost the match and we were all disappointed that his run had ended.  He was disqualified, however, if I had taken that moment to reprimand him according to the cultural pressures, I would have missed the opportunity to empower him.  I have the responsibility to teach him how to use his power with careful restraint, but I don't have the right to take it away from him by emasculating him.  He's a fighter and when a fight is inevitable, he must fight.  Always.

On the surface, all of this sounds barbaric because it is.  Boys identify with barbarians and warriors and fighters.  They dream of the opportunity to make a situation right.  They visualize scenes when they have to confront the "bad guy."  When their number gets called, they must be ready whether it's in a wrestling match, at school, in the workplace or at home.  They're created to stand-up and fight.

Don't misunderstand this.  I'm not suggesting we teach our boys to be reckless jerks and bullies and that violence is the answer.  I am suggesting that we encourage young boys to stand-up for themselves and others even when it's unpopular and they might face consequences.  This is a mark of manhood.  Unfortunately, there are far more avenues that are taking the fight out of young boys than there are honoring it.  We want our young boys to be meek, but we're teaching them to be weak.  Meekness is controlled strength.  Weakness is the lack of strength.  We can teach boys to control their instinct instead of taking it away from them.

A few years ago I played in a "non-competitive" co-ed soccer league.  It was supposed to be fun, but occasionally there was the token jukebox hero who didn't get the memo.  In our experience, those types were usually humbled in a safe and predictable way except one time.  There was a 6'4", 250 pound bulldozer who made a habit out of running over the much smaller females on our team.  The referee penalized him, his teammates told him to cool it, but it just wasn't sinking in.  We had exercised all of the tame approaches when he once again ran over one of our females and my brother snapped.  It was time.  His instincts took over.  He set the ball down and struck a heat seeking missile right into the back of the much larger opponent who was only a few feet away.  He followed it up with a face-to-face moment that caused the big man to shutter.  He turned and walked off the field to the surprise of his teammates and to the cheering of our team.  It may have seemed insignificant at the time, but it's an indelible memory to those involved.  I was proud of my brother and we have relived the moment several times since it occurred.  Why?  Because he unleashed the untamed beast and it was right.  He didn't even consider the size difference or what could have happened.  He acted swiftly and justly.  It was perfect.  It's part of what makes a man tick and we look for moments to be the hero in this capacity.  It's imperative that we don't take this from young boys.

I've seen moments like this soccer game played out several times.  I've been in situations when I acted on instinct and it was the right thing to do.  I've also missed opportunities by staying inside the cage and I regret my inactivity.  These are important moments to the male gender.  Ask any man and they'll instantly be able to share a story of when he stood up and made things right or missed the opportunity to do so.  It's critical to our existence so take caution when you see it unfold.  You then have the choice to empower or reprimand.

Men, do you have story that immediately popped into your head while reading this?