What we learned from parent-led conversation starters

At the parent-athlete-coach meeting that we hosted prior to the start of the wrestling season, we challenged the parents to take initiative in engaging in healthy conversations with their children.  I had been writing about productive communication between parents and student-athletes for a month leading into the season, so we took proactive measures to help the parents in our program talk to their children.  Parents were given conversation starters and encouraged to share a few of the things they discovered in the process.  It turned out to be a great exercise that produced favorable results.  It helped me to know our athletes better (which is a priority to all coaches).  The information they choose to share with Mom and Dad is usually different than what they choose to share with Coach.  I was able to get an insight into some family dynamics, too.

1. Would you say I'm better at giving compliments or criticizing?
2. Would you say I'm a bad, okay or good listener?
3. What's the most fun thing we've ever done together?
4. Share with your son/daughter who your childhood hero was (and why).
5. Share with your son/daughter about a teacher who had a positive impact on you.
6. Why have you signed up for wrestling?
7. What would you like to accomplish and/or get out of this wrestling season?

The results
So, what were the results?  According to kids, most parents criticize more than compliment, don't always listen very well and aren't aware that the simple things in life are often the most fun.  Parents enjoyed the opportunity to share important pieces of their childhood.  In the e-mail responses, it was clear that this energized the parents.

Breaking it down
Compliments or criticism?
Looking into this further, some of the results are slightly misleading.  What kid wouldn't say their parents tend to criticize more than compliment, right?  In some cases, if an individual is quick to say their mom or dad offers more compliments, it's possible that they're seldom held accountable.  After all, we tend to hear and see the negative much more loudly and vividly than the positive.  Some of us are awful at receiving constructive criticism while others are awful at accepting compliments.  The answers to the first question might not tell us the entire discourse.

Focusing on our marriage, my wife and I discussed these questions.  We were shocked that neither of us could correctly recall when the last time either of us had complimented the other.  We both feel like we have a healthy relationship and communicate very well.  This convicted me and I took it as a challenge to offer my wife more compliments.  She deserves them and I have a responsibility to look for those moments where she shines so that I can quickly recognize her.  We shouldn't be quick to offer false hope by complimenting children when it's unwarranted, however, there are plenty of great opportunities that pass us by.  There is power in praise.  You should be praising kids four times as often as you are correcting them.

Bad, okay or good listener?
These results also revealed that our listening skills can use some attention.  We all have several distractions that we're dealing with moment-by-moment.  The piece that was most revealing was to hear parents was defending themselves when their son or daughter said they don't listen well.  I'm quite certain none of them wanted to hear they were bad listeners.  I'm also certain that immediately going on the defense is evidence of not listening very well.  Sometimes, our children just want to be heard and their home should be a safe place for this.  If we ask them a question, we must allow for them to have a voice and speak their mind.  Some of their answers will surprise us, some will encourage or inspire and still some might even hurt.  Empowering them to have a voice is more valuable than our temporary feelings - good or bad.  The ultimate challenge in this moment is to hear his or her heart in the matter and be a reflective listener.

Most fun?
If you're like me, most of the memorable moments of your childhood didn't take place at a tournament or in a classroom.  There are indelible memories from my sports career, without a doubt, however, when thinking about the most fun I had with my family my mind immediately goes to getting outside the wake on a tube, water parks, snow forts, bike ramps, derbies in the garage, cucumber boats, road trips in a rusty van, the Green Bay Packers, etc.  As an individual, I'm proud of my accomplishments in the sports world, as are my parents and siblings, but they're actually a small part of my life (and my family is entrenched in wrestling as much as any other family in the country).

Sports are important, but not that important.  If you don't believe me, ask your child what the most fun they've ever had with you is.  If he/she answers that participation in a tournament is the most fun they've had, he/she might be missing out on being a kid.

Heroes and teachers?
Several of our parents had never found the opportunity to share with their children about what made them come alive as a youngster.  The important people, the heroes, the role models, the people that helped you become who you are today are complete strangers to your kids.  Why?  They were once important to you and in some cases, still are.  Don't be afraid to be an example to your kids who are also looking to others as role models.  They have big dreams and big goals, just like you did.  They're looking to others for inspiration and motivation.  They want someone to emulate.  As parents, we can have a part by teaching them who is good to follow and who is not.  We have experience in the subject area, don't we?  Create teachable moments by enlightening your son or daughter about your past and who you were as a teenager.  Every student-athlete today would do well to learn a little more about how important figures of the 60's, 70's and 80's had a direct impact on people - Martin Luther King, Jr., John Wayne, Jane Goodall, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan, Ronald Reagan, John Lennon, and Julia Child, to name a few.

Why wrestling?  What does your son/daughter want to get out of the sport?
These are important questions for everyone involved to understand so we're all on the same page.  As a coach, it's important for me to know why these student-athletes are showing up for practice and what they'd like to get out of their involvement.  It's counterproductive to expect a team member to be all in when, in fact, he's not interested in that.  Of course I want to help him arrive at a place of commitment to excellence, but that looks different for each person.  We want to be welcoming to everyone, meeting them where they're at, while still demanding excellence.  In high school wrestling, someone can reach his full potential without ever winning a wrestling match while someone else can win every match and never reach his potential.  Our team might have both extremes and everything in between.  Our coaching staff has high expectation for each athlete and we encourage them to expect more than others think is possible.

Parents should expect their child to be their best and do their best.  The rest is up to the child.  There's a big difference between wanting what's best for your kids and wanting them to be the best.  Wanting what's best for your kids is about the child.  Wanting them to be the best is about the parent's expectations.  You should expect that you'll struggle with some unfilled expectations in your child's life until you stop expecting all of them to be fulfilled.  If you haven't asked these questions of your wrestler, you best do so quickly and get on the same page.  Your expectations need be aligned with their expectations so you can be a source of encouragement and support.

Life Application
In this constantly correcting, constantly evaluating pressure-filled world with countless distractions, there has to be space for acceptance.  Space for awareness and space for presence.  Space where time isn't measured in tenths of a second, but in how long it takes to complete a puzzle.  If there's one thing we can all take away from this it's that sometimes the best of us cannot be measured in wins or losses.  Instead, often times it's about being present in the moment.  Make some space in your life to be "all in" with your children, free from distractions and pressures.   Go, and create memories.