Boys Forfeiting to Girls

I’ve been involved as a coach in the women’s wrestling world for 15 years.  Last weekend was the first time that I’ve had an opposing wrestler forfeit to one of my female wrestlers because she was a female.  I’ve seen it happen and have talked to many girls who have had it happen to them.  In fact, it’s more common than cauliflower ear in girl’s wrestling.  Nearly every female wrestler has experienced a male opponent forfeiting to them based on their gender.

There are a couple of decent explanations and several that are outlandish.  As a wrestling community, it’s important that we openly discuss all of them without judgement.  So, let’s do it.

We were at a varsity tournament on Saturday and midway through the day, one of the tournament organizers informed me that the opponent of my female athlete was going to forfeit to her.  He wasn’t injured and wasn’t pulling out the tournament, just not wrestling the girl. It created a bit of confusion on how to enter the “forfeit” into the system because if he forfeited, he wouldn’t be able to wrestle anymore matches that day.  So, it was entered as an “injury default” so he could wrestle the next two rounds.

After the tournament, I asked my female wrestler and two of her female teammates how they felt about the situation.  The discussion was enlightening.  

It was also very important.

Since girls started participating in wrestling, it’s been common place for boys or male coaches to decide one way or the other if they wanted to compete against them.  We’ve given males a free pass to pass in this space. The decision to wrestle or not to wrestle rest solely in the lap of the male wrestler.  The female has no say beyond deciding to wrestle in the first place.  Sometimes there are repercussions (losing a match, not advancing), but no one really has to explain themselves, so we never know for sure why it’s done. We assume things and there are cookie-cutter explanations, but we never discuss them in an attempt to learn and grow in this subject area.

If the wrestling team has a cross on their singlet or is a private institution, we assume it’s for “religious” reasons and then mum's the word.  It also seems to happen when it’s convenient, not when it actually costs them something (with the exception of a state tournament default at the Iowa State Tournament in 2011).  

This leads me to beg the question, is this done out of convenience or conviction?  Are those who are forfeiting really thinking about the decision?  Thinking about others?  His opponent?

My personal stance on it is this (and other difficult decisions): if you are convicted, you should follow through on that conviction no matter what it costs. Would the forfeit that occurred in a “meaningless” match at the New Richmond Invitational also occur in the wrestleback to make it to state or in the state finals?  If it’s a difficult decision rooted in conviction, I applaud the decision.  The decision should be the same regardless of what's at stake.

If the decision is done out of convenience, regardless of the reason being used, it’s cowardly.  If it’s “just the way it is,” or if religious belief is used as a smoke screen, I think we need to call that way of thinking out and have an honest dialogue about what’s taking place.

If every state offered sanctioned female wrestling, this is a non-issue.  I’ve done my homework and there’s not one explanation that justifies not adding girl’s wrestling at the HS level.  Adding girl’s wrestling might be difficult for many reasons, but it’s the right thing to do and must be done.  But we haven’t made that kind of progress yet, so we’re forced to deal with uncomfortable situations like this.  I am not in favor of girls competing against boys, but right now the girls don’t have a choice.

While discussing this topic with my three female athletes and recalling the other female wrestlers I’ve talked to about this, their sentiments have never been a feeling of respect.  This part of the conversation matters.  It might not change the outcome, and I’m fine with that, however, IF part of the reason not to compete against a female in a combat sport is to “respect women,” I think we need to ask if women are actually feeling respected by the act.  Because it appears as if most feel the opposite.  And MEN, that does matter.  How a woman perceives our attempt to respect her needs to be taken into account.

I am a Christ follower and believe Biblical Manhood is one of the greatest voids in our society today. So, I understand those who choose not to participate for “religious” reasons (even though I despise the term “religious”).  We need to actively teach boys to treat women with respect – physically, emotionally and intellectually.   Personally, I don’t hold the same conviction for high school boys on a varsity wrestling team, but that’s not a reason to divide the church.  I choose not to drink alcohol because I have a very clear Christ-centered conviction not to do so.  Many of my Christian friends enjoy alcohol.  No problem.  So, I can agree to disagree, however, I would like to have an objective conversation about this.  In the same tournament, a young man from a family that is respected for their outward Christian faith chose to compete against the same female.

We all have a responsibility to embrace and respect each other’s differences.  Combat sports should be no different.  I want my male athletes (and my sons) to respect their opponent and all of humanity regardless of gender, race, etc.  I also want to be a part of a culture that lives life from conviction, not convenience.  That’s hard.