What do I say when...?

One of the most common questions I receive from parents is "what do I say?"  

What do I say when he's not motivated?  What do I say when he loses?  What do I say when she won't open up?  These are important questions and rooted in a parent's genuine care and concern for their child.  Often times, the best answer to most of these questions is, "nothing."  Don't say anything.  Be there and be available, but more times than not, no words are required.  If you insist on saying something to announce your presence, simply stating, "I'm here if you need me" is sufficient.  Your son/daughter knows when mistakes are made, when the outcome is less than favorable and he/she is also aware when your questions are an attempt to point to the obvious.

What do I say when he/she loses?

This question presents several very interesting dynamics.  Often times it reveals that the outcome matters to the parents.  Of course, the outcome matters, but it should always matter more to the athlete than the parent.  What do you say when he/she wins?  Should the discourse really be any different?  Attitude and effort is what parents should value and presenting the feeling of performance-based acceptance is a slippery slope that all parents will do well to avoid.  

When a parent asks me this question, it’s tempting to answer with philosophical ideas, however, it’s important to answer the question directly while being sensitive to the question behind the question.  I have found that the best thing to say after a loss is, in fact, nothing.  What's more important is that you acknowledge that things didn't go the way the athlete had hoped or planned.  Don't project your displeasure of a loss on your child (again, make it about the attitude and effort).  He/she is allowed to be upset after a loss and may choose to withdraw for a while.  Respect that, let him/her go and be there when he/she comes out of that shell.  The coach will take care of the timing and encouraging him/her to move on.  Mom and Dad shouldn't, especially in front of other athletes or parents.  

My advice to dads is to give the proverbial head nod, wink or pat on the shoulder to let your son or daughter know you recognized what occurred and you'll be available when needed.  Moms, do your best not to absorb the emotional side of their defeat.  You don't have to carry that weight.  You can be sad, however, boys, in particular, need to figure out how to handle their own emotions.  Let them figure it out.

Don't say: The obligatory "good job" usually misses the mark because, in the moment, he/she thinks it was not a good job.  The same is true for other fillers like, "next time...," "you were soooo close," etc.  These show a lack of awareness and empathy.  Under no circumstances should you ever belittle or yell at your child or another athlete for losing.

What do I say when he/she seems unmotivated?

Motivation comes in all shapes and sizes.  A typical high school athlete goes in and out of being motivated.  When motivated, sometimes it's extrinsic and other times it's intrinsic.  Is he trying to impress his girlfriend or buddies?  Is she more interested in the friendships developing than performing?  It's a rare teenager who possesses a drive that fuels motivation at a high level on a routine basis.  Motivation is “purpose driven” and understanding why he/she is participating in the first place is a good start to understanding where he/she should fall on the motivation spectrum.  If you find yourself in a place asking why he/she seems unmotivated, it's possible that you've missed the big picture earlier on.  Before the season even begins, you should ask why he/she chose to participate in wrestling.  Ask what is motivating them.  Are they interested in improving?  You may even ask about their goals, however, you must be sensitive to how you project and how they receive that conversation.  Knowing these things in advance may alleviate the need to ask about their motivation.

Don’t say: Avoid the urge to use the word “we” when talking about your child’s sports career.  If a teenager is motivated by his parent’s desires, his/her career will be short and less than satisfactory.  We have big goals this year.  We’re planning on wrestling this weight class.  We have five pounds to go.  When a parent describes his son/daughter’s wrestling activities with the subject “we,” it is a red flag.

What do I say during matches?

This is athlete-specific and everyone has different ideas on what they want to hear from their parents in the heat of the moment.  Most studies have revealed that kids actually prefer their parents don’t say anything during their competitions.  Some like encouragement and others enjoy productive instruction.  No one likes negative criticism or humiliation.  I’ve heard parents and coaches justify their inappropriate behaviors by claiming kids like it and their kid responds well to being yelled at.  Kids don’t like being yelled at.  Period.

In our program, I prefer parents engage in a conversation off the mat with their child and directly ask what their son/daughter would like them to say during matches.  As a default, cheering is great, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about.  Clapping and saying, “let’s go!” at the beginning of the match is never wrong.  Encouragingly cheering is good for everyone.  Be wise and avoid placing unneeded and un-welcomed pressure on your child.

Don’t say: Negative comments should be avoided at all costs.  “Come on!”  “What were you thinking?”  “How bad to you want it?” also don’t help.  If the language you use during a match ends in a question mark, it’s likely non-productive.

These are only a few questions that parents have.  Most of the time, the questions are well-intended and sincere.  I encourage parents to dig deeper and find the question behind the question.  Is the place it’s coming from honest and legit?  Is it about the outcome, keeping up with the Jonses, trying to eliminate adversity for your child?

As a coach, I do my best to be open to all parental concerns and questions.  Active and involved parents are typically good parents.  I’m more concerned about the parents who don’t show an interest in their child.  Good parents should have conversations about the well-being of their son or daughter with coaches and teachers when there's concern.  They should be private in nature, without their child present and sometimes without his/her knowledge.  Healthy boundaries should be respected at all times.  Parents should be Mom and Dad, coaches should coach and the groups should compliment and support one another.