Boys Forfeiting to Girls

I’ve been involved as a coach in the women’s wrestling world for 15 years.  Last weekend was the first time that I’ve had an opposing wrestler forfeit to one of my female wrestlers because she was a female.  I’ve seen it happen and have talked to many girls who have had it happen to them.  In fact, it’s more common than cauliflower ear in girl’s wrestling.  Nearly every female wrestler has experienced a male opponent forfeiting to them based on their gender.

There are a couple of decent explanations and several that are outlandish.  As a wrestling community, it’s important that we openly discuss all of them without judgement.  So, let’s do it.

We were at a varsity tournament on Saturday and midway through the day, one of the tournament organizers informed me that the opponent of my female athlete was going to forfeit to her.  He wasn’t injured and wasn’t pulling out the tournament, just not wrestling the girl. It created a bit of confusion on how to enter the “forfeit” into the system because if he forfeited, he wouldn’t be able to wrestle anymore matches that day.  So, it was entered as an “injury default” so he could wrestle the next two rounds.

After the tournament, I asked my female wrestler and two of her female teammates how they felt about the situation.  The discussion was enlightening.  

It was also very important.

Since girls started participating in wrestling, it’s been common place for boys or male coaches to decide one way or the other if they wanted to compete against them.  We’ve given males a free pass to pass in this space. The decision to wrestle or not to wrestle rest solely in the lap of the male wrestler.  The female has no say beyond deciding to wrestle in the first place.  Sometimes there are repercussions (losing a match, not advancing), but no one really has to explain themselves, so we never know for sure why it’s done. We assume things and there are cookie-cutter explanations, but we never discuss them in an attempt to learn and grow in this subject area.

If the wrestling team has a cross on their singlet or is a private institution, we assume it’s for “religious” reasons and then mum's the word.  It also seems to happen when it’s convenient, not when it actually costs them something (with the exception of a state tournament default at the Iowa State Tournament in 2011).  

This leads me to beg the question, is this done out of convenience or conviction?  Are those who are forfeiting really thinking about the decision?  Thinking about others?  His opponent?

My personal stance on it is this (and other difficult decisions): if you are convicted, you should follow through on that conviction no matter what it costs. Would the forfeit that occurred in a “meaningless” match at the New Richmond Invitational also occur in the wrestleback to make it to state or in the state finals?  If it’s a difficult decision rooted in conviction, I applaud the decision.  The decision should be the same regardless of what's at stake.

If the decision is done out of convenience, regardless of the reason being used, it’s cowardly.  If it’s “just the way it is,” or if religious belief is used as a smoke screen, I think we need to call that way of thinking out and have an honest dialogue about what’s taking place.

If every state offered sanctioned female wrestling, this is a non-issue.  I’ve done my homework and there’s not one explanation that justifies not adding girl’s wrestling at the HS level.  Adding girl’s wrestling might be difficult for many reasons, but it’s the right thing to do and must be done.  But we haven’t made that kind of progress yet, so we’re forced to deal with uncomfortable situations like this.  I am not in favor of girls competing against boys, but right now the girls don’t have a choice.

While discussing this topic with my three female athletes and recalling the other female wrestlers I’ve talked to about this, their sentiments have never been a feeling of respect.  This part of the conversation matters.  It might not change the outcome, and I’m fine with that, however, IF part of the reason not to compete against a female in a combat sport is to “respect women,” I think we need to ask if women are actually feeling respected by the act.  Because it appears as if most feel the opposite.  And MEN, that does matter.  How a woman perceives our attempt to respect her needs to be taken into account.

I am a Christ follower and believe Biblical Manhood is one of the greatest voids in our society today. So, I understand those who choose not to participate for “religious” reasons (even though I despise the term “religious”).  We need to actively teach boys to treat women with respect – physically, emotionally and intellectually.   Personally, I don’t hold the same conviction for high school boys on a varsity wrestling team, but that’s not a reason to divide the church.  I choose not to drink alcohol because I have a very clear Christ-centered conviction not to do so.  Many of my Christian friends enjoy alcohol.  No problem.  So, I can agree to disagree, however, I would like to have an objective conversation about this.  In the same tournament, a young man from a family that is respected for their outward Christian faith chose to compete against the same female.

We all have a responsibility to embrace and respect each other’s differences.  Combat sports should be no different.  I want my male athletes (and my sons) to respect their opponent and all of humanity regardless of gender, race, etc.  I also want to be a part of a culture that lives life from conviction, not convenience.  That’s hard.

Good Sportsmanship Deflects the Spotlight

In 2018, it's difficult for good sportsmanship to get the attention it deserves.  People on social media and news outlets would rather see someone out-of-line.  Athletes doing the right thing isn't as intriguing to the masses.  We fall for "clickbait" too often.

On the second day of the Northern Badger Wrestling Classic in River Falls, there was a subtle act of sportsmanship that should not go unnoticed.  There were over 400 athletes from 43 schools and a couple thousand spectators on hand.  There were some terrific wrestlers and great performances, however, after all was said and done, the most noteworthy storyline of the tournament was Gabby Skidmore from Cumberland.

Gabby is a senior and has had a lot of success on the women's national wrestling scene.  She's also had a successful high school wrestling career and is beloved in Northwest Wisconsin because of her work ethic and joyful demeanor.  She's easy to cheer for and fun to watch.  She earned her way to the championship finals at 120 pounds after four exciting wins.

On the other side of the bracket was Jacek Nickowski from Baldwin-Woodville.  Also a senior, Jacek is well respected in Northwest Wisconsin, too.  He's a past Northern Badger champion and state place winner and currently ranked number one in the state.  On top of his wrestling accolades, he's one of the best soccer players in the state, so we haven't been able to see his wrestling skills on display in Fargo and elsewhere.  Regardless, he's a great high school wrestler.

In the quarterfinals, Gabby won a close bout against one of my wrestlers (Owen Larson).  I've been in Gabby's corner for several matches and I've trained her in the off-season.  She always works for 6 full minutes.  That day, my wrestler did, too.  The crowd was electric and fully invested in the match.  They wanted to see the girl win.  I have mixed feelings about a crowd jumping on board simply because a female is competing.  Maybe I've become desensitized to young women trying to break through the ceiling, but I get it.  It sure makes it tough for the competitor, though.  Not only does one need to beat their opponent, they need to beat the entire crowd.

In the semi-finals, Gabby avenged a loss from two weeks ago.  It was an exciting wrestling match and, once again, the crowd was behind her the entire way.  The other 120 pound semi-final match ended quickly, so Skidmore vs. Olson was the only match going in the center of the gym.  After the 7-2 victory, the crowd jumped to their feet and erupted once again.  You could sense the thousands knew they were a part of something special.

A few years ago, Gabby was the first female to earn a spot on the podium at the Northern Badger.  Now, she became the first female finalist.  During the introduction of the finalists, Gabby jogged down the stairs under the spotlight and when the announcement was made that she was the first female to make her way into the finals, the crowd went nuts.  My sister has three little girls in their first year of wrestling and the only thing they were interested in that day was cheering for Gabby.  Many others felt the same.  Gabby wore the Cumberland singlet, but represented so much more.

When the 120 pound finals got underway, it wasn't long before Nickowski got a takedown and some near fall points.  Midway through the first period, he ended the match with a fall.  He graciously rose to his feet and held out his hand for a competitor's handshake.  It was Jacek's second Northern Badger title with 3 technical falls and 2 pins.  When the referee raised his hand for his moment under the spotlight, Jacek immediately reached for Gabby's wrist and raised her arm, too.

It only lasted a few seconds, but it was one of the most important moments of the tournament and possibly one of the most impressive things Jacek Nickowski has done in his stellar athletic career.  Two humble athletes, both high character individuals, with a moment to shine under the spotlight - literally and figuratively - and they deflected the rays to something bigger than themselves.  That's what sport should be about and that's what genuine sportsmanship looks like.  Humility is a strong force when it's authentic.

Junior Worlds 2018 - Blog #7

That's a wrap for the US women's team at Junior Worlds in Slovakia.  Macey's silver, secured on Wednesday night after the semi-finals, is the only piece of hardware the women will bring back to the States.  

Tonight, Ali finished her week in 5th place.  She just didn't have enough in the tank to gather that bronze medal.  She came off the mat exhausted and said her entire body hurt.  I believed her.  It looked that way.  The combination of weight management, a two day event, an emotional setback the night before, the intense heat in the venue, travel back-and-forth to the hotel and we just couldn’t pull things together.  She was in great spirits and fought like crazy, but her legs, most of all, just didn’t respond.  It wasn’t an issue of mental toughness like it usually is for an athlete in her situation.  She left it all on the mat and was physically exhausted. 

So, we need to go back to the drawing board and look at how we prepared.  No excuses, just accountability and responsibility.  Don’t get me wrong, both of them gave everything they had and should have no regrets concerning their effort.  We can take this an opportunity to learn and look deeply at all things leading into the event.  A day ago, it looked like our preparation process was on point and Macey and Ali wrestled extremely well.  But that was on day one of the tournament.  Day two was a different story for both of them.  At this level, if teammates who train in the same environment respond the same way, it’s likely a product of that environment and I need to re-evaluate our physical preparation. 

You don’t know what you don’t know, so now that we have intel on our junior worlds experience, I need to make some important adjustments.  I think that’s how you learn from moments like these.

We’ll have a 10-hour flight back to the United States and that will give us time for some needed reflection and evaluation.  Win or lose, though, deep reflection would have been on the schedule any ways.  We must always be as critical in our assessments of  both "success" and of "failure."  Our posture really should be the same no matter the outcome because we want to keep moving forward in our progress.  

We all know the value of getting back up after getting knocked down.  It’s one of the biggest reasons successful athletes succeed.  Every once in a while, though, when you get knocked down, you need to stay down for a bit so you know exactly why you got knocked down.  When you finally do get back up, you do so planning on not getting knocked down again.

Junior Worlds 2018 - Blog #6

Ok.

Well, I'm not sure where to start tonight.

I've really enjoyed writing updates throughout our trip, but this one is difficult.  I know there are a lot of people back home who are supporting these girls and hurting for them tonight.  We sincerely appreciate you.  I also believe I have a responsibility to keep our support system updated on my take from a heart wrenching evening in Slovakia.

I don't want to write anything tonight.  I just want to take a long shower and go to bed.  But those who have our backs need to be in the loop on this one because it's important that they understand this side of the journey, too.  So, I'm just going to share my thoughts journal-style tonight and do some free flow writing so you might not get many sharable quotes this time.

Twice within an hour, we fell short of what we came here to do.  I fell short to deliver on a couple of unspoken promises and that hurts a lot.  Ali and Macey have been preparing to win gold medals at this event.  Nothing else.  We didn't prepare for any setbacks, but now we have to deal with them.

Both of these girls have paid their dues, put in the time, made the investments and sacrifices.  They've worked hard, worked easy and worked smart.  They've been all over the world in order to put themselves in a position to win a gold medal at junior worlds.  They've spent over 12 months for this day and there have been several people and programs contributing to the process.  However, September 20, 2018 was not kind to us.

The takeaway?  No one deserves anything in this sport and, damn it, life's not fair.

I've heard coaches and motivators talk about making the commitment to excellence and athletes answering or responding with that cliche statement about how, "no one deserves this more than so-and-so."  Well, I'm here to tell you that's not true.  It's a bunch of entitled bull crap.  No one really deserves anything.  Terry Brands spoke to this in his FloFilms documentary.  In wrestling, you don't get what you deserve, you only get what you earn.

I talked about this during an interview on Trackwrestling tonight.  You have to remember, we're dealing with the best in the entire world kind of stuff here.  This is no joke.  We're not trying to win a conference title or a state championship.  Not taking anything away from those accomplishments, but those are small potatoes.  You can't fake your way into winning a gold medal at the world championships.  It just doesn't happen.  And never will.  There's no guarantee that success is waiting for you.  Ever.  There are several people doing everything that they can to prepare for the opportunity to win that gold medal.  And at the end of the day, they will only hand out one.

The standard is the best in the world.  That's 7.442 billion people.  This is a high stakes game.

What are the investments these two have made?  By the time they turned 17 and 18 years old, they had moved away from their families, sacrificed academic opportunities, invested in becoming the Total Athlete (body, mind and soul), lived clean lifestyles, adjusted diets and strength/conditioning programs and friend groups, traveled all over the globe and did everything within their entire being to become the best that they can be...and all of that only gives them the chance to reach their dreams.

I don't think the "rest of the world" understands what that means.  It looks differently for each of these girls, but they have literally done everything in pursuit of this goal.  Every. Thing. Only for the chance to reach it.

Isn't that a scary place to choose to live?  These girls put in a maximum amount of effort with no guaranteed return on their investment.  They bet the farm everyday.  They go all in.  Only so that they can have the opportunity to risk all of it.  There aren't many teenagers that can identify with this kind of life.

You cannot experience true satisfaction in reaching your goals unless you've dared so greatly that it might cost you everything in the pursuit of them.  However, it hurts so incredibly bad when you don't reach that goal.  The highs are high and the lows are low.

That's the real life that we're dealing with here, my friends.  And tonight our hearts are broken.

But it's worth it.  Because it's only in these moments that you gain the strength to persevere for the next opportunity and to be ready if the chance is there again.  Rising strong starts with accepting risk and being willing to fall time and time again (Brene Brown).  And it forces you to operate from a posture of humility and to gain a healthy perspective on the "big picture."

After all is said and done, it comes down to what God is doing in us and through us.  It always does.  Didn't we talk about that yesterday?  Things are sticky and teary, but our joy?  It's down in our hearts where it's always been.  That doesn't make the pain go away.  And the truth is, the hurt these girls are feeling tonight might never leave their hearts.  They might only gain tolerance for it and, if they're lucky and wise, be able to contextualize it some time down the road.

Big picture: we don't get what we deserve and I'm grateful for that.  Jesus suffered and died on a cross, taking upon Himself what we deserve.  "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all" - Isaiah 53:6

Big picture: life isn't fair (especially when awful calls don't go our way), and for that I'm thankful.  Fair?  We've made some ridiculous mistakes and it's not fair that God still sees me as pure and blameless, but that's my identity in Him.

So, I guess I'll end this stream of consciousness and try to get some sleep so we can give it one more push tomorrow to stand on that podium.  As I was writing, I listened over and over to one of my favorite songs of all-time, "Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call.  Here's how the song ends:

Well, this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
to the drink that I spilled on my shirt.
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden,
And you knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt.

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means.
And so I suppose I just need some peace,
Just to get me to sleep.

Junior Worlds 2018 - Blog #5

Day 1 of competition is in the books for the women's team.  Macey stormed her way into the finals.  She started out a tad slow, but was in great position the entire day and pitched a shut out, outscoring her three opponents 24-0 with two technical falls and a pin.  She has her hands full tomorrow night against reigning world champion Khanum Velieva from Russia.  She won junior worlds last year and was a two-time Cadet world champion the consecutive years previous.  She's good - the longest arms you've ever seen for a 68 kg woman and incredible position.  She literally didn't give an inch the entire day, although her Japanese opponent did get to her legs a couple of times.  We've watched several of her matches, both live and on film.

After our team meeting, Macey said she knew what she had to do today to be successful: be stingy with points, stay in good position and keep the pressure on her opponent.  It was music to my ears.  Almost like it was rehearsed.  Well, actually it was.  It's what I've said everyday for the last 12 months in preparation for today.  I really believe it's what has separated her from the rest of her peers in the United States and has her in a place to be one of the best pound-for-pound young female wrestlers in the entire world.

Within fifteen minutes of Macey's semi-final victory, we had another huge victory from our little crew.  Ali had finished her final "weight cut" and stepped on the scale and received great news.  She had finally gotten down to 53 kgs (116.8 lbs).  Holy smokes, we have been eagerly anticipating the moment we saw that number on the scale.

For several weeks we've adjusted life, as we know it.  Workouts, diet, tears, joy...it's been a haul.  I'm so proud of her for persevering during this pursuit of managing her weight.  Obviously, we're here for a wrestling tournament and that's been number one on our minds, however, there have been a few instances when weight management has tried to steal our attention.  Last night she got pretty discouraged and vented a bit (actually, a lot).  I'm a good sounding board for her vents.  I turned it into an opportunity for an impromptu worship service and I played several of my favorite Christian songs and told her to focus on the lyrics.  It was a classic mental skills exercise - external focus vs. internal focus.  It got her through the workout and she woke up this morning in a much better mood and determined to get through that last bit of "suffering" to get down to weight.  What you put into your heart is what comes out. ;)

You know what's interesting about Truth (capital "T"/Bible)?  It's alway true, no matter what's going on.  The Bible says that our joy is not determined by our circumstances, it's determined by what Christ is doing in us and through us.  What we've found out to be true over the last few weeks during this descent to 53 is that when joy is mentioned in the Bible, it's often right alongside suffering, tears, heartache or troubles (John 16:20-24, 2 Timothy 1:4, etc.).  And what's cool about joy, is it's not "out there" somewhere.  It's already inside our hearts, so we just have to look in the right place.  It's been there all along!  Just like the Sunday school song:  I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!  Where?  Down in my heart!  Where?  Down in my heart to staaaayyyyy!

How's that for a mantra at the Junior World Championships?!

Ali is down to weight and weigh-ins cannot come soon enough in the morning.  Macey will weigh-in at 8:30 am and then Ali and the other four girls competing for the first time here will weigh-in at 8:45 am.  Wrestling will get underway at 10:30 am (3:30 am in Wisconsin and Missouri) and Macey will compete for the gold medal at 6:00 pm.

No matter what occurs, it will be a joyful celebration.  Because our joy is already found.

Consider it our joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. - James 1:2-3. 

...And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sate down at the right had of the throne of God. - Hebrews 12:1-2.

Junior Worlds 2018 - Blog #4

We finished our morning mat workout and then took a team picture by the lake.  We now have access to two mats right here in our hotel in Senec.  Yesterday we had to drive about 30 minutes to Trnava to get on the mat at the host hotel next to the venue.  There are warm-up mats at the venue, too.  Remember, UWW placed the female athletes in a separate hotel (a wise decision).

Our hotel is considered a "resort."  It's on a small recreational lake - canoes, paddle boats, tether ball, bowling alley, etc.  There are several youth boy's soccer players staying here.  The best I can understand is they're a Slovakian development team, however, I don't think they're here to play soccer.  It seems like a team building camp, of sorts.  They're typical 12-14 year old boys in matching clothing, meaning the girls have found them to be quite obnoxious.  They're full of energy and silliness and they think it's pretty cool that they're surrounded by elite women.  The girls' state of mind is not in a position to tolerate endless giggling, so they're annoyed by their presence.  I give them high fives and fist bumps and act like a big, strong, cool American and they get a kick out of it.

The hotel provides us with three meals each day.  It's all been pretty standard to what we're accustomed to at UWW events.  I always say each item is some shade of tan or yellow - mostly chicken, potatoes and breads.  Breakfast is the only time the coffee/latte machine is available...unless your Clarissa.  Two days in a row she opened the machine and turned it on during dinner.  She was strongly reprimanded each time.  It's become an inside joke that will likely be discussed for a few years among the coaches.

I'm sharing a room with Sam Schmitz (McKendree University) and Matt Stevens (Oklahoma City).  We're in an apartment style room with bright red carpet and nice porch overlooking the lake.  We've left our mark at Hotel Senec, that's for sure.  Sam pulled the handle off the patio door, Clarissa sat on a chair and broke it in half and I stepped on the coffee table to kill a spider on the ceiling and that also broke.  We have several days left and I'm certain Matt will break something soon enough.  It looks like we've been regularly wrestling right here in our room, but I assure you that we are actually very calm.  I can just imagine what the employees must be saying about us.

Our athletes have mined their p's and q's at the hotel, so that's good.  The first half of our group will compete tomorrow morning.  We're all excited for weigh-ins and for the women's competition to begin.  These girls are planning on doing a different kind of damage compared to what the coaches have been up to.  They're ready to wreck some athletes, break some hearts and crush dreams.  That will be fun to talk about, too.

Junior Worlds 2018 - Blog #3

Yesterday was a nice relaxed day as we acclimated to the surroundings.  We got to the hotel in the morning, hung out for a while then did a little shake-out in the early evening.  I had anticipated being able to watch the Packers-Vikings game on the NFL Sunday Ticket app, but it wasn't available outside of the US.  I settled for listening to Larry and Wayne on WTMJ online and following on ESPN Gamecast.

Our hotel is located on a quaint lake that seems to be used for recreation.  I walked around the grounds for a bit with Macey and we found some trampolines.  No way would a hotel in the US have trampolines for guests.  We broke a little sweat in the warm sun and then a random couple challenged us to a game of tennis on the courts behind the hotel next to the pool.

We both have general athletic skills, but tennis is not a preferred sport for either of us.  We would have done Mr. Forde proud, though.  We were in athletic clothing and our opponents were in swimsuits and sandals.  I kept telling her to hit the ball to "Bikini" (the nickname I gave our opponent).  She couldn't keep herself from laughing and missed the ball entirely once or twice.  Mind you, it was about 10:00 AM and I'm pretty sure Bikini had been drinking alcohol since the night before.  We definitely won.  The other team wasn't keeping score and we never actually served the ball or followed the rules, but Macey and I walked off the court feeling victorious after Bikini and her husband had enough of our powerful forehands.  They broke, so we won.  That's the story we're going with.

We used those tennis courts later in the day for our small team workout.  There was a little "crack the egg" on the trampoline (see Ali's video post...), some sand volleyball and a combination of soccer and basketball then we walked next door to use the sauna and called it a night.

Today we're heading over to the venue for a mat workout and to watch some Greco-Roman wrestling.