Well, let him do whatever he wants

Last night I received a text message from a friend who has three children under 7 years old and a fourth on the way.  He was recalling some of his experiences as a basketball player and was struggling with the thought of letting his own children go through some of the "dark times" that he did.  I could tell he was thinking deeply on the issue of whether or not to allow his children to play sports.

This is how I responded:

I think sports have great potential to teach important life skills and learn great life lessons.  Those rough times forge character with the right perspective and support.  When the joy and wonder of sports in encouraged, it's a great experience no matter the outcome.  I think the youth sports culture is driven by unhealthy perspectives from parents and coaches and it creates a lot of pressure for kids.  My suggestion is to be wise about what kind of organized sports they participate in based on coaches and programs who "get it."
...When our purpose in sport is greater than our goals, our pleasure throughout the sports experience is much greater.  When purpose and goals are one in the same, problems will always arise - usually with moral integrity or identity issues.

Several times I've shared how members of our community ask me if our young boys are wrestlers.  There's nothing underlying in those questions.  It's sincere curiosity and, most times, the cliche thing to say to a wrestling coach.  My answer is always predictable and I say something along lines of, "I don't know...we'll see..."  which is usually followed immediately by, "yeah, well, let them do whatever they want..."

That exchange is nauseatingly familiar to me and because it's rooted in innocence, I don't take the steps to engage in the next part of the discussion - letting my kids do whatever they want.  This is far from my modus operandi as a parent.  This should be obvious, however, it might be less obvious and even unacceptable in the sports communities.  I won't let my kids do whatever they want and I won't let my kids participate in whatever sport they want to.  Don't misunderstand me; I'm not advocating for my sport of choice or pressing my desires and interests on them.  In fact, I've never asked any of my kids if they'd like to wrestle.  They've asked me if they can come along and participate in youth practices.

What I am saying is that there are some sports opportunities that I believe I are not right for my kids, or any kid, to participate in.  Generally speaking, though, it's not that one sport creates more of an inherent risk than others or that any one specific sport is bad for kids.  What I am saying is that there are adults influencing some sports cultures that create an unhealthy environment for children.  In addition, there are opportunities piled on top of other opportunities and I would do well to make sure my children aren't spread too thin.  Those are experiences that I will do all I can to keep my children from.

I've seen parents go through several scenarios and situations involving sports and now, as a parent myself, I'm beginning to feel some of those pressures to get involved.  In the text message from my friend, he was expressing concern with this pressure.  But here's the deal: parents need to be firm and have the courage not to just go with the flow.  Well, everyone else is doing it...what a juvenile decision making process.  Just because I see my neighbors running themselves ragged taking their young child to different youth practices every single night of the week doesn't mean that I need to jump on that wagon.  Just because one of the most popular youth sports opportunities in our community attracts kids and parents who 'tolerate' poor coaching and an unhealthy culture doesn't mean that I need to sign my kids up for it, too.  Just because some parents are focused on the here and now doesn't mean I should ignore my conviction of long-term growth and development and overall well-being of my children.

Am I claiming to have all of this figured out?  No way.  Do I believe that some opportunities can be good for one and not for another?  Absolutely.  Is it, 'here we go again, someone telling me how to raise my kids...?'  Not even close.  All I'm advocating is that parents think deeply on matters surrounding youth sports and their children's involvement and make decisions out of conviction rather than convenience while considering the long-term implications from short-term decisions.

Sports, left to their own devices, are inherently fun.  Fun comes in many different shapes and sizes and is all across the spectrum for children in sports.  Still, no matter what, youth sports should always be focused on what children need and not what parents want.  Sometimes, those two things can co-exist, but sometimes they're mutually exclusive.

An indelible memory

Everyone has indelible memories.  For me, many of them involve sports.  Whether I was in attendance or participating in a competition, watching something on television or listening to it on the radio, there are several moments of greatness that I can recall exactly where I was and what I was feeling at the time.

Today, I experienced a new kind of indelible memory.

In the smallish community of River Falls, my high school wrestling accomplishments precede a lot of what I do even though I graduated almost twenty years ago.  After taking the reigns as head coach of the program two years ago, those old accomplishments seemed new again to several people.  There was "buzz" in town for wrestling.  It's fun walking down memory and, indeed, I'm proud of what I did in the RFHS singlet during those four years.

But, truth be told, those accomplishments also haunt me.  Not in the way most would think.  I'm confident in who I am and I can handle expectations.  I'm concerned about those expectations being passed on to my children.  Everyday someone asks me or my boys if they're already wrestling, if I'm teaching them moves, if they're going to be state champions...it's not an exaggeration.  They're 2, 4 and 6 years old.

They've been around wrestling a lot in their short lives and I've made it a point to not talk to them about my glory days.  Those four years had a significant impact on who I am today, however, being Daddy is much more than that.  Additionally, they've been around a lot of wrestlers with far greater accomplishments than mine, so I'm trusting that they'll have a healthy perspective when they start to figure things out.  That doesn't change that some people aren't afforded that breadth of understanding, though.  How will my boys handle all of it?

Well, today I found it.

My wrestling career continued beyond high school and I fell short of several goals.  I'd be lying if I said those losses and setbacks still didn't sting.  Many of them are the fuel for my coaching endeavors because my competitive career still lacks some closure.  I know many others who feel the same way, too.  Over time, small things have provided an illusion of such and some solace, but none more than a simple text message that my wife forwarded to me.  It was from one of our former babysitters who periodically spends time in Isaiah's kindergarten class.

Here's the text message:

Hi Liz, I just wanted to let you know what a great kid Isaiah is.  I sat at his table at school for a bit this morning, and Cullen, out of the blue, say, "Mrs. Leitch, can you believe that Kevin Black is Isaiah's dad?!"  Before I could say anything, Austin chimed in, "who is Kevin Black?" Cullen replied, "Only the best wrestler ever!" Austin being Austin said, "I really don't think he's the best wrestler ever," and Cullen said that Kevin was the best high school wrestler ever.  Austin, again doubting Cullen, so I told him that Kevin won every single match in high school for four years.  The whole time, Isaiah was listening, then said, "Well, my dad DID lose sometimes, just not his high school matches.  He just worked really, really hard and tried his best all the time."  Then he got back to working on his journal.  He didn't brag or argue, just told it like it is.  Hopefully the other boys at the table picked up on the lesson Isaiah taught them.

Try being Dad and having dry eyes after that.  If the only things my kids know about their dad's sports career, or any other career, is that he worked really, really hard and tried his best all the time, then all of it was worth-the-effort.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm very competitive and I was, and still am, driven to succeed, to win.  I hope my boys have a passion for excellence AND hate losing more than they love winning.  Of course, I want most for them to do their best and be their best, however, I also want them to be competitive because that matters, too.

But it's freeing for me to hear Isaiah's perspective on this subject, to know how he measures success and to see what he's learning from my wrestling pursuits.  How you do things matters more than what you accomplish.

During an interview as a senior in high school, I said this: "This isn't just about wrestling, this is about life, in general.  I'll take this for another 60 years into everything I do.  That's what all of the hard work is about."

After today, that comment in February of 1998 seemed prophetic.  I knew that what I was doing then was bigger than me now.  It was about more than my life.  I know that God created me to use my life in wrestling to make an impact in the lives of others for His glory.  It's almost like in that 15-minutes of fame I was talking about Isaiah.

Now, that is an indelible memory.

11 Totally Rotten Things We Do That Are Ruining Athletes' Lives

I recently read an article online about the "terrible" things parents do their kids.  It was a satire piece that shared the insights of children and how they understand parenting styles to be mean, unfair, unreasonable, etc.  You know, the stereotypical tantrums that include, "you're stupid, I hate everyone, you're ruining my life..." or making your 15-year old shovel the driveway even though it will likely snow again.  One of my favorite bloggers used the idea as inspiration to confess and share the horrible wrongdoings of several coaches and how they're "ruining the lives" of athletes.  Both were great reads.

This led me to consider some of the things we (River Falls Wrestling) do that are sometimes misconstrued as "awful."  In nearly every example, it comes down to the fact that younger individuals sometimes struggle to see the big picture.  That's alright because it's how human nature works.  Adolescents and children are still growing and developing.  Adult have a responsibility to be the grown up and stay the course no matter how obscene the tantrum is.  Coaches have a responsibility to establish order and structure.  While leading young people, adults must act out of conviction and not convenience.

Okay, here we go:
*disclaimer: not all original ideas; some are repeats from the articles mentioned above...

1. We're so old fashioned that we tell high school boys that real men respect women.  This includes, but is not limited to, holding doors, speaking highly of and being protective of the opposite gender.  I know, it is 2015...
2. Can you believe it?  Our athletes are not allowed to lift weights unsupervised.  But how will they get the numbers they need to be college-ready?
3. Our coaches are such hard asses, seriously, we expect kids to be to practice on time.  Man, the audacity, especially considering they only have 45 minutes to get to another building and dressed in time after school.
4. We require wrestlers shower after practice.  Are you kidding me?  Whatever happened to free will?
5. We have a crazy rule that athletes need to attend practice the week before a meet.
6. Our athletes are not allowed to text during practice.  Or go on Facebook, or Twitter, or Instagram or Snapchat.  How on Earth will their friends know if they're alright?  Where's the empathy, you might say.
7. If we catch our athletes cheating, we call them out.  If they break rules, we hold them accountable.  We don't turn our eye or pretend it didn't occur because it's easier...is this the United Soviet Socialist Republic, or what?
8. We actually communicate with our athletic trainer, so our athletes are not allowed to say she said something that she actually didn't say as a way out of hard work.  It's so deceiving, right?
9. We hold everyone to the same standards regardless of their ability level or gender.  No single athlete is bigger than the program.  No one is "special" even if his/her mom or dad says so.
10. Our wrestlers are told to make their bed every morning even though we're not their parents!  What right do we have?  If their lives are a mess, their training will be a mess.  Also, we want them to start their day by accomplishing something first thing in the morning.  That's all likely grounds for a lawsuit.
11. In our program, student-athletes are students first.  Not getting it done in the classroom?  Not allowed to wrestle.  Simple.

There are several other things that come as a surprise to our athletes as we interact with them daily.  Things like telling them to say "thank you" or "I love you" to Mom and Dad or that you only get out of athletics (and academics) what you put into them or the concept of cause-and-effect are a few.  It's fun to change the point-of-view to drive home the point: we're most concerned that our student-athletes do their best and be their best.  If their overall well-being is important to us, sometimes we're going to be unpopular.  And that's okay.

A letter for parents from the perspective of a youth wrestler

Dear Mom and Dad,

This weekend I will be participating in a big wrestling tournament.  I'm excited and nervous.  I know you are, too.  I'm excited and grateful for the opportunity, but I'm nervous because there's a lot of pressure on me this weekend.

Let's be honest, you're using vacation time at work, I'm getting out of school, the entire family is going...gas, food, hotel, admission, event t-shirt...that is a big financial commitment on my shoulders.  Our entire weekend is dependent upon ME.  I understand that's not the intention, but sometimes I feel that unintended pressure to perform.  So, please don't get anxious or upset if I make a mistake.  I hope you will accept me as I am.

Please understand that my performance this weekend does not define me.  Wrestling is a small part of my life, but it's not who I am.  It's fun, but it can also be difficult and scary at times.  Don't be surprised to find that I may respond in a manner that is uncharacteristic.  Sometimes I don't know how to handle my emotions, but don't worry, my misfortunes on the wrestling mat are not a reflection of your ability to be a good parent.  I simply ask that you take care to setting a good example for me by handling your own emotions, maintaining a healthy perspective and being there for me no matter what occurs.

Remember that all children do not learn to walk and talk at the same age; nor do they learn wrestling tactics and techniques at the same rate.  We're all in development stages and growing and learning.  Please do not compare me to my brothers, sisters or friends, because I am unique to this world.  Be realistic in setting my goals.  I need to be challenged, but not pushed beyond my ability.  I need to taste success and I also need time to "smell the roses" while I am still a child.  I enjoy youth wrestling right now, but I want to love the sport if I'm still participating in high school and beyond.

Before I wrestle, the thing I desire most to hear from you is, "have fun!"  When I finish, I'd like a high five or a hug.  I'm constantly longing to hear you say you're proud of me and that you love watching me compete.  Sometimes what you don't say is much louder than all of your words combined.  I'm pretty smart.  I'm not easily fooled.  You have to mean it when you say it.  Don't assume I automatically know how you feel about me.  It's not intuitive for a child and in every situation I'm delicately looking for you to reinforce it.  Do your best and you'll be sure to see me do my best.

The truth is, I'm far more concerned with making you happy than I am with winning any tournament.  Being accepted and unconditionally loved by you is the most important thing in my life right now.  I hope I win all of my matches and get to stand on the top of the podium, but I hope you will treat me the same if I don't.

Love,

Your Youth Wrestler

The gig is up, Marshawn

Marshawn Lynch is in the spotlight once again for trying to mock the media by answering questions with the same answer.  If most sports fans are being honest, they greatly anticipated the Super Bowl media day just to see what Lynch would do.  The NFL warned him over and over and made [empty] threats regarding his interaction, but he remained true to character.

According to those who support his antics, the character of Marshawn Lynch and Marshawn Lynch's character are mutually exclusive.  A few weeks ago, I didn't blink an eye at them.  I even thought they were funny for a couple of weeks, however, now I'm having difficulty not drawing my own conclusions.

My disclaimer should be obvious, but I'll state it anyways: I don't know Marshawn Lynch on a personal level (duh).  I've never seen him "behind the scenes."  I don't know what he lives for, plays for or stands for.  I'm actually pretty clueless when it comes to the man.  I am, however, quite aware of what he has projected from his platform of an NFL superstar.  For the individual who wears the #24 jersey for the Seattle Seahawks, I'd like to say, "the gig is up."  It's old.  It's annoying.  It's time for something new.  You have now become destructive.

I had a shred of empathy for him when he chose to snub the media the first few times, but not at the Super Bowl.  He has a professional responsibility to the media on "media day."  It made sense that he was upset with how the media projected him as a "thug," but not after being fined a second time for grabbing his crotch in celebration.  The media speculating that he's being selfish was officially removed yesterday when he very clearly made this all about him.

I'll throw him a bone when he says he's just looking out for himself, yada yada yada, however, at some point someone needs to tell him that this isn't all about him.  Actually, I don't really care about him.  I care about the young athletes looking up to him believing that this is acceptable and trendy and cute.  His teammates, his team, his fans, etc. are afraid to hold him accountable.  Why?  Because he's an emotional introvert?  I don't know.  The NFL is trying to hold him accountable, but it's a complete waste of their time.  Maybe they should just leave him alone, but I don't think so.  One man cannot be bigger than the institution.  Discipline cannot just cease to exist when it becomes difficult.

The current generation of teenagers have grown up in a culture that lacks respect for authority.  Sure, there have been some crappy leaders and some of them have had awful experiences, however, when you step foot inside a school today, you'll see an apathy for authority and rules that didn't exist 10 years ago.  What concerns me most about the media circus that Marshawn Lynch is a part of is it glorifies that lack of respect for authority.  It indirectly gives kids permission to do whatever they want.  It's narcissism at its finest.  It's an individual making a clear and concise decision to not follow rules.  Who the man is behind closed doors or what he does for this or that charity is irrelevant.  I know, don't hate the player, hate the game.  Well, in this case, there's only one person playing the game and if he was thinking about anything bigger than himself, I think he'd "get it."

Marshawn Lynch is a terrific American football player.  He is Beast Mode personified.  His teammates love him and he does great things for the city of Seattle, but I no longer respect his platform because he has abused it.  He's setting the example that he believes he's the center of the universe and I have a problem with that.  Wouldn't it be great to see an athletes and teenagers who understand they're not the center and it's not all about them?  There are rights and wrongs even if we don't like them.  There are certain things you "just do."  I know that's not politically correct and it's conservative and corny, but the progressive idea that you can do whatever you want, believe whatever you want and act however you want whenever you feel like it is all kinds of bad.  It's bad for our society, but specifically, it's bad for kids and it's bad for sports.

2014 Year In Review

Another year has come and gone.  As I get older, years seem to go by much quicker than they did when I was young.  Children and responsibilities make life much more interesting than it was when I was a teenager full of dreams for the future.  I still have a lot of dreams inside my head, however, as much of my time is spent looking back as it is looking forward.  I ponder on events that have passed and reflect on my activity daily in hopes of gaining important insight and valuable wisdom.  Finding a few minutes to myself to be quiet before God and reflective and introspective is something I cherish.  Below are a few reflections I have from 2014.

Investing in the lives of others is more important for my growth than it is for theirs.  I've had the opportunity to "mentor" a few people over the last ten years.  It's important that I help give back by sharing my experiences and what I've learned from being in similar life situations.  Not only is it important to those receiving the advice and input, but it's invaluable to the one handing it out.  This year, I looked forward to those weekly meetings because they were extremely rich in content and helped me grow in several areas as a man, husband and father.  Coaching young athletes provides several areas for me to invest in others as well, however, I'm the one learning the most in those relationships.

Things that matter don't happen accidentally.  Receiving the right kind of input requires being intentional.  I'm hard pressed to find time to read books, however, I take advantage of extended periods of solitude (airplanes, hotels, etc) to jam in as much as I can.  I also look for moments in the car when I can play a talk, book on tape or sermon series.  The scenario that I'm currently living in has me pouring a lot of myself out - coaching, parenting, etc. - and I need fill up.  It needs to be intentional, though.

A jigsaw puzzle is a great metaphor for life.  I love completing a puzzle and admiring the finished product, however, what happens in between dumping the pieces on the table and overlooking it when it's complete is a perfect picture of how successful people navigate life.  Laying a foundation for future success is how every puzzle maker begins the process by sorting pieces and building the edge. Throughout the experience, there are several times when things fall together with little effort while many more require patience and a change of perspective.  The ability to see a situation differently in the midst of a struggle is one of life's greatest challenges.  Spinning a puzzle piece around in my fingers helps me remember that my point-of-view is only one of many and in the end, there's only one way...referencing John 14:6, not a Sammy Hagar lyric.

When presented with the opportunity to choose your family, pick them every time.  I love my life because I'm able to put a few things on hold and spend a lot of time with my family.  My wife and I are extremely blessed to spend an abundance of time with each other and our children.  I've had to make some difficult decisions in order to make it a reality and I don't regret any of them.  I miss a few things about the life I had before children, but I've listened to hundreds of people older and much smarter and wiser than I am who said spend as much time with your children while they're young as you can.  In 2014, I lightened my load even more in order to spend more time with my family.  I understand my circumstances are different than most and many aren't afforded the same opportunities I've been blessed with.  Still, if you do get the chance to choose, choose your family.

Marriage is exciting and fun when you continually make it a priority.  This might be a quote by Captain Obvious, however, I'm shocked by how little attention couples actually give to their marriage.  There are a lot of great people with wonderful marriages who get by without consciously prioritizing it, however, studies show they might be one unprojected change or tragedy from separating.  Liz and I understand we each married another human being full of thoughts, expectations and opinions different than our own.  Each of us has a lifetime of baggage, too.  We committed to that person on our wedding day while making a promise to commit to who that person becomes in the future.  We want to navigate life together, however, we want our marriage to thrive, not just survive, in a selfish society that has stacked the deck against the institution of marriage.  10 months ago we completed the Love and Respect study by Emerson Eggerichs and it was a "game changer" for us.

Actions speak louder than words.  This is an important principle to live by, however, don't excuse that words matter as well.  Showing someone you love them is far more important that telling them, but if we strive to show them, it doesn't hurt to tell them, too.  It's irresponsible to assume the other person knows what you're thinking and feeling.  We must show others with actions (and use words to communicate).

My list of recommendations shrink year after year, however, I do suggest everyone in a coaching role spends some time exploring the notion of 3 Dimensional Coaching.  I'm also a big fan of Talent Code by Daniel Coyle and Relentless by Tim Glover.  I did some research on Vince Lombardi and he's a pretty important resource for coaches (even those who don't cheer for the Packers).  I attended the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit and plead with everyone who breathes to attend it in 2015 (August 6-7).  I was inspired by Pastor Choco (Wilfredo de Jesus) and enjoyed In The Gap.  It was relevant to my life and provided some historical context that excites a history nerd.  I receive an e-mail daily from Seth Godin.  His leadership expertise is priceless (actually, it's free).  I carve time in my schedule to listen to sermons by Steven Furtick, Matt Chandler and Andy Stanley.  I have a long list of others, including Louie Giglio, who never cease to blow my mind with Biblical truths.  I'm also excited about the impact Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck has had on the administration at River Falls High School.

Tom Brady said what?

The Packers beat the Patriots yesterday in a hard fought game with a playoff-type atmosphere.  It was nationally televised as the Game of the Week.  In a hard fought game with a playoff-type atmosphere, it's not the 26-21 win by Green Bay that is stealing the headlines.  Instead, it's Tom Brady, the Patriots star quarterback, who was shown on separate occasions using explicit profanity on the sidelines as he expressed frustration.  The NFL will likely fine him a hefty amount for the outbursts (Rex Ryan was fined $100,000 for his dirty word).

The real reason so many are commenting on Facebook, Twitter and in the blogoshphere today about a superstar coming unhinged is because Tom Brady cares.  He gives a damn.  He's passionate about what he does, expects success and doesn't take well to losing.  Shouldn't this attitude be expected of every professional player across the world (and amateur players, for that matter)?  Shouldn't we expect a never-say-die attitude outside of sports, too?  The NFL has a lot of individuals who are more concerned with a paycheck than they are with excellence and justifiably receive a lot of flack for it.  Tom Brady is not one of those players.  He is compensated very nicely, too, by the way.

In no way am I about to condone the behavior or language of Brady, but here's the reality...  Tom Brady is an extremely focused individual.  He's more disciplined than 99% of the world's population.  He's a great football player, is ultra competitive and has a huge platform that he leverages very well.  When he's on the football field, the world around him disappears.  He's in the zone.  The rest of the population cannot begin to comprehend how detail-oriented, precise and intense the time he spends on the field actually is.  Is it healthy?  I don't know; that's not the conversation.  Does this excuse his explosion?  Not at all, but this is his reality.  What happens inside the arena of sports is not always family friendly.  CBS should know better.  They should be carrying the brunt of the criticism today.

Is it okay for Tom Brady to use profanities?  I suppose it is even if I choose to use other words even when frustrated.  It's his prerogative.  Should he be held accountable by the NFL?  Probably.   Was Tom Brady a good role model?  Definitely.  Is he still a good role model?  Of course.  Do other players curse during football games?  Duh.  Is Tom Brady the first person to use profanities during a nationally televised game?  Come on, let's not be so dramatic, of course not.  Is it alright for me make judgements of Tom Brady's behavior (or other professional athletes)?  Sure it is and probably not.  Should CBS have replayed his frustrations?  Absolutely not.

Today, Monday Morning Quarterbacks like me are making outlandish claims that Brady is an arrogant sore loser.  A cry baby.  An elitist.  That he should take the loss like a man (as if manhood is somehow linked to this).  Well, maybe...just maybe...this mentality is why he has more Super Bowl rings than anyone else in football.  It's probably why he has become one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time despite being an average college football player.  He should be a sore loser.  I love coaching sore losers.  I'd like an entire team of them.

As an athlete, I lost my cool a time or two.  I'm not proud of those moments.  I learned from a few of them, was justified in a couple, didn't affect a single person in most, regret some, forgot about others and no matter what they looked like, life moved on and I wasn't the center of the universe for any of them.  As a coach, I've acted out-of-line and been approached by athletes, parents, coaches and officials in an attempt to correct my behavior or tell me that they were disappointed in me.  I've acted in an unsportsmanlike way and those moments have happened as a result of anger, frustration, corruption and poor judgement.  I've second guessed my responses several times.  In everyone of those moments, I had the good fortune to be able to live the moment only in the moment.  There were no replays and no one wrote about my character online.

Fine.  What's the point of me writing something about what Tom Brady said?  It's to use the situation as a teachable moment.  You never know who's watching and exactly when they're watching.  Tom Brady doesn't have the CBS broadcast playing on the sidelines.  He doesn't see what we see.  He didn't know he was being filmed at those vulnerable moments and CBS has a professional responsibility to make sure those moments don't get into my living room.  We shouldn't expect to be included in what happens on the sidelines or between the hashes.  Still, it doesn't matter because you never know who's watching...no matter who you are.  That's what character education is all about.  Character is who you are when no one is watching, and guess what?  There could always be someone watching, especially during a nationally televised contest, but also within your home, at work or school or anywhere.  Is it too much to expect others to be on their best behavior while affording grace to those who "lose it"?

Remember what Uncle Ben said?  "With great power comes great responsibility."  We all have the power to make a positive impact on others and you never know when those opportunities are taking place.