What I've learned as a parent (part 2)

I had a robust plan to share my feelings about my experience as a parent before being a parent took precedence the past few days. As a result, I've been unable to write. Isaiah has been sick a lot this month and spent the night in the hospital with pneumonia and RSV. Poor little guy. Needless to say, I haven't found much time to write in this blog.

I've had a lot of other ideas lately, so this will be the final entry in this short blog series. I have learned a lot as a parent, though. As you can see with this post, sometimes life can be unpredictable. I still want to share two ideas with you. 1.) Children are smart, and 2.) they're not as smart as we'd like them to be sometimes.

Children are smart. This is a fact. They're brains are like sponges and absorb an abundance of information daily. As infants, they're just beginning to understand the world and they make large gains each day. They can sense when you're happy, mad or scared and their reactions are often influenced by your reactions.

This has become very important for me to understand and live with. I think it's important to remember that your child is always looking to you for your guidance. They're watching what you say, how you respond to situations and how you treat other people. These behaviors are learned at a very young age.

I see parents harbor ill feelings towards others and believe their child doesn't know, but they sense your feelings. Be careful, you're demonstrating to someone very precious how to live the rest of their life.

Wrestling parents need to heed this advice. Yelling at an official sets a bad example, yelling at your child because he doesn't perform like you'd like sets the worst example (it leads to performance-based acceptance which is not the topic today).

They are smart little people, but not as smart as we think they should be at times. I recall the progression that I learned math as being very sequential. When I finally started addition and subtraction I needed to "master" it before I took on multiplication and division. Additionally, I memorized the time tables before I tackled long division. If I didn't have a grasp on these basics, I wouldn't have been able to do algebra and so-on. Not only do we follow simple progressions in the learning process, our minds develop at different rates and young children don't have the capacity to solve complex problems without the necessary critical thinking tools. This takes time as children grow.

This is similar when it comes to physical development. Kids can't complete complex movements without the basics...you need to walk before you run, right? Many parents forget this and I see, first hand, parents pushing their children to do things they're not ready for and getting upset when they don't see the results they're hoping for. Be patient and allow your child to develop at the appropriate rate. Kindergartners don't have categories in their mind to understand negative numbers, so we can't expect them to start on calculus.

Remember, love your children. If you love them, you'll encourage them to learn, but won't push them to do something they're not ready for. Love is not self-serving. Love is about the other, and this time it's about your child.

What I've learned as a parent (part 1)

Becoming a parent has been one of the greatest moments in my life. As Isaiah grows and we spend more time together, I love him more and more. I'm going to admit, though, I didn't feel an instant connection to him the moment he was born. However, our bond grows every moment and this makes parenthood great.

I've learned a lot about myself during these 16 months and know that I have a lot more to learn. To be honest, I still have no clue what to do in some circumstances and don't think I'm ready for everything that is to come. I hope Liz and I can figure it out as we go...

Some of the things that I've learned have helped me become a better coach, husband and man. I want to talk about a few of them over the next few days, so I'll be doing a short blog series entitles "What I've learned as a parent." I hope it gives you insight into my world, but also helps those with or without children see life, sports and God through a different lens. It might also give you a better idea to why I do things the way I do (there is a method to my madness).

We have an unlimited capacity to love

God is love. He created us for relationship (with Him) and gave us the ability to love others. He didn't put a limit on it, though. Think about it, we have an unlimited capacity to love. When Isaiah was born, my love for Liz and my family became stronger and is still growing. I love Liz more than other human being on the planet and Isaiah comes in a close second. When Isaiah was born, I didn't have to divide the love that I already had for Liz and give part of it to her and part to Isaiah. No way, my love for Liz immediately grew and as I witness her connection to Isaiah and see her commitment to our family, it grows even more.

I didn't understand love like I do now. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

I like dissecting this verse on many levels, but the part that sticks out the most is love is not proud. To me, pride means that you love yourself more than anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love myself and struggle with pride often, but true love is not prideful. It's not about me; it's about others.

Love matters the most.

We make it our goal to please him

Ask ten people on the street what their goal in life is, and you'll get a variety of answers. Usually, ten completely different answers. Additionally, ask most athletes what their purpose is and they'll quickly recite their individual goals. However, are these people's priorities in order?

The Apostle Paul had no problem telling others what his life's purpose was, from 2 Corinthians 5:9, he says, "So we make it our goal to please him."

The first purpose at Victory School of Wrestling - beyond developing championship character, morality and work ethic, creating high school state champions or anything else - is to please God. The challenge as an athlete is to refrain from asking what will make me happy, as if winning and accomplishments will fulfill us. We must ask, "what will make God happy?" This is where we can draw the most strength and compete with maximum motivation. And just in case it's still not entirely clear, Paul says a few verses later, "Those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again" (2 Corinthians 5:15).

Last summer, athletes at Victory embarked on an incredible, life changing journey as they completed "The Gauntlet." 27-hours of continuous activities couldn't have been accomplished on their own. They had to dig deeper than what they were accustomed to and find a new strength from within - soul power. This treasure was stored in jars of clay and they needed to break those jars to expose the treasure that was Jesus. They were "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body" (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

Just as Jesus went to the cross, so must I go to the cross, always considering myself as carrying around "the death of Jesus" so that his new life - his motivations, his purposes, his favor - might dominate in everything I do.

Nail it and press on. Go to the cross. Put all your transgressions, troubles and fears behind you. You can move forward with maximum motivation to please God, and as we've stated at Victory this month, like a crash of rhinos!

By taking this approach, how will you ever lose? Our victory is already won! I'm sure it's pretty simple to understand why we call it Victory School of Wrestling.

All this for a King!

Beautiful Ending

Sometimes I get caught up trying to serve others and help others reach their potential. I'm sure you can identify with me when I say that, at times, it feels as though I have no time to take of myself because I'm too busy taking care of others. As a result, I don't always make the time necessary to "sharpen my saw." By sharpening my saw, I become much more effective. For me, it's bigger than that, though.

One of my favorite bands is BarlowGirl. The trio of sisters wrote a song entitled "Beautiful Ending" that addresses this predicament, but from a spiritual perspective. The lyrics are refreshing because they pinpoint exactly what every Christ follower feels when they continuously serve others, but forget about themselves, and most of all, forget about God.

The song speaks about individuals who spend their entire lives serving others, doing "church stuff," but forget to turn to God and focus on their own spiritual journey. They ask the question: is it possible to spend an entire life serving God and miss the point?

God wants us, not our service. Now, obviously, if we pursue Him, we'll want to serve Him, however, He wants us first.

There are always going to be people who can serve and complete the tasks on hand. There will always be people going to Africa and greeting people at the door, but you're the only person who can give yourself to God and that's why that's most important (I'm not minimizing the importance of serving, don't miss the point).

So, is your first priority your relationship with God? It needs to be. For me to sharpen my own saw to become for effective for God, I need to spend time with God. I need to focus on my personal relationship with God.

"What benefit will be for you to gain the whole world but lose your soul?" (Mark 8:36)

From BarlowGirl - "Beautiful Ending"

Oh, how do I let myself let go of hands that painted the stars and holds tears that fall? And the pride of my heart makes me forget it's not me, but you, who makes the heart beat. I'm lost without you and you're dying for me. So, tell me, what is our ending? Will it be beautiful, so beautiful? Will my life, find me by your side? Your love is beautiful, so beautiful.

Sans computer

It's been a while since I posted an entry on this blog. Life has been crazy and I've been traveling a lot lately. This weekend I'm in Colorado Springs, CO for the Dave Schultz Memorial International wrestling tournament. The event was held at the US Olympic Training Center. More than 25 countries were represented.

I'm writing this entry from my wife's Palm Pre phone because I chose not to bring my computer, which has been extremely difficult for me. Five days without e-mail or work. I felt lost at times. It was worth it, though. Instead, I brought my wife (hence, the phone) and my 1 year old son Isaiah.

While I certainly had work to finish, I chose to spend valuable time with my family. We hung out, watched movies, shared a bed and rode the gondola at Breckenridge. I would much rather take advantage of those opportunities than be tied down to my computer.

Sometimes, I need to focus on what's most important in life. Stop and smell the roses and love on those who are closest to me. I love my family.

What does it mean to be a man?

My blog entry is an exerpt from a sermon by Mark Driscoll, a pastor in Seattle, WA. In this video clip (23 minutes) he uses John the Baptist to help us understand how to become MEN.

Men are producers, creators and cultivators, not consumers. They're givers, not takers; they bring life, not death. Men aren't looking for the path of least resistance, they're looking for the path that brings the greatest glory to God. Those who live in the wilderness of adolescence are simply boys who can shave with a high self-esteem and low self-awareness, not men.

I'm very passionate about casting a vision for our athletes about what it means to be a man. Mark said everything I've been trying to say for the past four years, but he's much more educated, talented and effective.

If you follow my blog, please take the time to listen to this message by clicking on the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di9imh10Fc8

Too much too soon

Next week I will start my 2010 Regional Warm-Up program at Victory School of Wrestling. This program has a grades 3-4 division and I've had a lot of questions by both concerned parents and, unfortunately, over-zealous parents.

Typically, the parents who choose to have their son/daughter participate in opportunities at Victory understand the "big picture." Those that have unhealthy perspectives usually choose not to participate because they're looking for something different than what I offer. It's nice working with athletes and parents who are on the same page as me. Still, I need to remind myself, and the parents, that sometime too much too soon does more harm than good.

There's no magical formula or a certain age that an individual can begin training and taking sports seriously. However, I recommend being very cautious and leaning towards "less" than what you might think (in terms of training).

If a child becomes overwhelmed with expectations or is acting out of character, they may be experiencing "burn out" and it's probably time to cut back. Of course, the fine line comes down to a child being uncommitted and lacking the respect for authority and being over trained. It's great to persuade your child to remain committed, but that's different than pushing him/her to more than they're capable of handling at a young age.

When I was in third grade, I decided I didn't want to wrestle at a Saturday morning tournament in nearby Hudson. I was more concerned about playing with my toy tractors than I was wrestling that day. When we got to the high school, I told my dad that I had no interest in wrestling (that day) and would rather play with tractors. He didn't know what to do, but decided not to force me to wrestle if, in fact, I didn't want to.

My brother did wrestled that day and by 10:00am I wished I had made a different decision, but with 20+ years of hindsight, it may have been one of the best decisions that I made in regards to my wrestling career because of the way my dad handled the situation. If he would have forced me to compete, I may have lost my love for the sport and been cynical from that point forward. It could have crossed that fine line where the only reason I would have competed was because my dad was making me. That moment gave me the freedom to choose to compete in the sport that I loved. Some children are not given that opportunity.

Too much too soon is never good. Not only does it take the fun and love of the sport out of wrestling, it prohibits the advancement of their careers in the years to come. Make sure you allow your children to take a break before they need one. Keep them hungry and striving for more.