Two weeks ago I posted a couple of blogs that I knew would ruffle some feathers. There's been a whirlwind of responses - both negative and positive. Some relationship dynamics have noticeably changed. Word has gotten back to me that others have brought up this topic in a variety of settings from board meetings to the dinner time. It's not an easy conversation for many, however, breaking the ice is the important first step and I'm not afraid of losing popularity points by speaking the truth. I've had my eyes opened to some great things I was not aware of and, even more, I'm convinced that the experts have the authority on this subject, not parents.
When I say, "parents," I'm not talking about the 90-95% of parents who show up and drop their kid off at the door, sit in the stands and offer support or who are just taking advantage of the opportunities presented. It's a much smaller percentage of parents in leadership roles and coaching positions who are making the big decisions on behalf of the other parents and their children. I'm talking about the parents who are responsible, either by choice or by default, for the direction of our youth programs. I'm concerned with the parents who think they know what it takes and are erroneously choosing their own opinions over the opinions of experts.
Who do I consider an expert in this subject matter? First, I think pediatricians, sports medicine personnel, sports psychologists, sports science researchers and, in most cases, educators have a level of expertise that is greater than that of a parent of a youth athlete. Second, I'm not claiming to be an expert in this field although some have credited me or discredited me in that attempt. I'm making no suggestions that I'm an expert or know all considering youth sports. On the contrary, I know very little. However, I'm much more inclined to listen to the experts I mentioned above over the emotionally charged opinions of parents who are currently in the middle of the youth sports experience and controlling the direction of our programs. That I would choose the listen to the expert opinion over a parent's opinion causes a great deal of tension.
The two biggest things I learned over the last two weeks are that after being involved in some capacity, many parents believe they have authority and expertise. As if experience alone is enough to have influence on the next steps. I also learned that this is very much a societal issue, not a sports issue. Let me explain...
Over the last few weeks, my father and I built an extraordinary "treehouse" for my three kids. We basically made a blueprint on the back of a napkin and trucked to Menards for supplies. After a few snags at the beginning, once we started drilling it seemed like the fort took shape very quickly. The result is one of the best treehouses I've seen, complete with a front porch, special kid's entrance, a bridge, garage, monkey bars and a No Trespassing sign. I am not a carpenter and if you ask anyone close to me they'll quickly agree that hammers and nails are not designed for me, but those who have seen our fort are utterly impressed...except one guy who found it necessary to point out that the roof probably wasn't rated for snow load, or that a real carpenter would have used an impact driver.
Now, let's take my carpentry experience and use our youth sports logic to see how far it gets us. The facts are: I had a lot of fun building this tree house and I was able to spend important quality time with my dad and with my kids. It gave me a small break from the everyday stresses of life and I was able to pour energy into something that yielded great results. Since it's been finished, I've had incredible memories sleeping in it, watching movies, etc. It's also passed for being a tremendous architectural success.
No one can dispute these facts. It's my reality and my back yard. Do those facts alone give me the license or expertise to start building all over town? Does one treehouse suggest I'm up-to-speed on all of the OSHA regulations and guidelines? Have I even scratched the surface on how to properly build a treehouse or single-family home? Should I be in line to build the next playground for our parks and rec department? Of course not. That's ridiculous. I wasn't a carpenter before my experience and I'm no more of one after it.
Those of you suggesting I shouldn't put my expertise up against the likes of Lennar Corporation, for example, doesn't mean you're questioning my decisions or role as a parent. No one is trying to tell me that I didn't enjoy building the tree house or that I shouldn't build another one in the future, right? Maybe, just maybe, I don't have the construction market cornered after one treehouse. My neighbor suggested that when I run power to the treehouse, I should include a ground fault. That sounds like it makes sense, but it was far from being on my radar. What else am I missing? Are there more important health and safety steps?
My opinion in the construction world should hold far less weight than even the first year construction management student at a local state university. Yet, using the youth sports logic, I have as much, and often more, to say about how we should build houses after my one treehouse compared to Lennar, who has built hundreds of thousands of homes (before you get into the "quality" of Lennar Homes, please see the big picture here).
Stay with me on this analogy...I might choose to take a few steps in my carpentry skills by adding on to our house or installing a bathroom in the basement. At that point, it's important that I get a few professionals involved. There will be building permit requirements, electrician needs, etc. and I'm legally obligated to do things a certain way to meet a variety of codes.
This is where we run into the area of concern in youth sports. It's not the mom or dad who raised his/her hand and coached the U8 team this year. It's never the parent who was asked to be the secretary on the board of directors.
It's the parent who bypasses the "codes" and asserts his/her opinion over expert opinion based solely on his/her personal experience.
There are several resources readily available online for every youth sports league and organization to follow. Blue prints clearly laid out by national governing bodies who have already done the research. Movements like Changing the Game Project and 3 Dimensional Coaching that provide development materials for coaches and leaders free of charge. Professional coaches like Mike Matheney and leadership experts like Tim Elmore and Coach O who help by offering expert opinions. Famous doctors like Dr. James Andrews and Dr. Istvan Balyi provide mountains of research and evidence to be able to suggest best practices. US Soccer and USA Hockey, for example, have long-term athlete development models in place for youth programs across the country.
Parents in positions of influence and leadership in youth sports organizations have a distinct responsibility to do their homework on the subject matter. Parents who are not in these roles have an even greater responsibility to ask those in charge how they're incorporating long-term athlete development principles and for concrete examples of their plan in action producing the desired results. The leaders should be equipped and prepared to answer questions with scientific evidence rather that anecdotal evidence. Believe it or not, there's a very large silent majority who wants better. It's time for them to hold leaders accountable and ask those pressing questions.
It might not be quite that easy, though. Some of the pressure within the youth sports scene is the result of broader societal norms than it is unique to sports.
Last week, we scheduled "Pumpkin Day," a family tradition that is all about pumpkins - pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin chili, pumpkin salsa, selecting and carving pumpkins, etc. It's supposed to be fun for the kids...except after our fourth year of the event, it's become too much of an event for them to enjoy the simplicity of carving pumpkins. This year, we searched online for the perfect pumpkin patch that had a corn maze and a movie theatre in a silo. It was 30 minutes away and after some kicking and screaming, we got all of the boys in the van (behind schedule). We had to stop at Caribou for mom and dad, which led to an additional bathroom stop on the way, and by the time we arrived at the pumpkin patch, it was clear that, up to that point, the day had been about mom and dad and not the kids. I could hear grandparents in my head asking what the heck we were doing. Why did we have to drive 30 minutes to get pumpkins? Why does everything need to be such a spectacle? Why can't we just get pumpkins at the grocery store, go home and carve them? Why can't Pumpkin Day be about pumpkins? Well, rain arrived 45 minutes into our pumpkin patch adventure and, as you might suspect, our boys had lost interest in Pumpkin Day. They wanted to go home and we didn't get around to carving pumpkins or eating seeds that day. There was just too much going on.
And it all hit me: this is normal in our society today. Completely by accident and out of good, honest intentions, Pumpkin Day became too much of a spectacle. So does so much of what our kids are doing. My wife and I were quick to defend our decisions by saying things like, "well, I just thought that..." and "it would be really fun for the kids if..." while ignoring the facts. It wasn't really about the pumpkins at all. It was about mom and dad trying to make the pumpkins more than what they are and, as a result, our kids weren't interested in the pumpkins anymore. This is the way of parenting in 2015 and it's driving the youth sports culture. It's not unique to sports. It's the way it is everywhere you find a child and a parent. In the end, we blame kids for not being tough like they were 30 years ago or for being interested in the wrong things or for being "quitters" when, often times, parents micromanage the bejeezus out of things that should be so simple. We should almost come to expect kids to be disinterested.
Creating and establishing youth sports programs that are focused on what kids need instead of what parents want is countercultural, however, it can and should be done. It's time to ask the hard questions. It's time to expect better.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Why can't we just have a discussion on what's best?
Over the last seven years, I've used this space to share my opinions on a myriad of topics. For the past five years, most of my blogs have focused on youth sports. Things get heated very quickly when an opinion challenges the status quo. People become territorial and are easily offended. The moment it's taken personal, rationale is thrown out the window and emotions control the discourse.
In the youth sports realm, healthy debate and discussion are becoming more and more out of bounds. Sports science is often replaced with personal preferences. People avoid facts and statistics when it doesn't fit into their narrative. Experts are ignored because groups of parents assemble and have a much louder voice and stronger presence.
Why can't we just have a discussion on what's best?
We've nearly lost our ability to debate with the determination of finding a solution. Our government certainly hasn't set a good example. It's become an expectation for politicians to adhere to their side without hearing the other side. Politics, in general, have never been as polarizing in this country as they are today.
Debate was one of the single most important dynamics to the way of life for our Founding Fathers. It's what originally made America great. Prominent personalities published their debates in journals and newspapers and we still read them today. We study the intricacies of their thought process in "The Federalist Papers" and other important documents that seem irrelevant today. Our Founding Fathers didn't agree on everything - they actually didn't agree on much - and their debates were very public. They were extraordinary in their ability to critically think about how their existence would impact the future.
Today, it seems as if we're predisposed to "take our ball and go home" if someone challenges us with a difficult question. Sometimes answering is way above our pay grade, so we resort to shifting the blame and accusing the one asking the question of something unrelated to the question. We don't read the entire article because we make up our mind before hearing what they have to say. We don't engage in civil discourse because we're constantly offended and more interested in defending our decisions or positions than having conversations on what is best and what we'll leave behind for the next generation.
I wonder how the Founding Fathers would engage in conversations today. Facebook seems to have as much street cred as the Center for Disease Control. Many prefer reading the news from Huffington Post or The Blaze because it tells them what they want to hear (if you read the angle that fits your political preferences). We have no interest in another way of thinking.
In sports, we seem to be trapped in a crazy cycle with an abundance of opportunity, but very little option. Every week I read an article that outlines big concerns with the current system, yet youth organizations plow forward thinking only of this week or, if we're lucky, this year. Why can't we get the 15 years down the road conversations? What is the path? What is the plan? Who is taking them there?
Why can't we have those discussions without being negatively received? Why don't sports experts, doctors, scientists, etc. who dedicate their entire life and well-being to research and data regarding participation in sports have more to say about what is healthy in sports than a carpenter, mechanic, salesman, etc. who moonlights as a youth coach?
The youth sports scene is out-of-control. One cannot rationally say otherwise. Of course, there are several great things in youth sports and your son or daughter might be full of smiles. That doesn't change that, collectively and generally, it's a broken system.
It's necessary that we allow for important, meaningful and worthwhile conversations about what is taking place. That's the starting place to making productive changes that lead to the best experiences.
St. Francis of Assisi said, "start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
In the youth sports realm, healthy debate and discussion are becoming more and more out of bounds. Sports science is often replaced with personal preferences. People avoid facts and statistics when it doesn't fit into their narrative. Experts are ignored because groups of parents assemble and have a much louder voice and stronger presence.
Why can't we just have a discussion on what's best?
We've nearly lost our ability to debate with the determination of finding a solution. Our government certainly hasn't set a good example. It's become an expectation for politicians to adhere to their side without hearing the other side. Politics, in general, have never been as polarizing in this country as they are today.
Debate was one of the single most important dynamics to the way of life for our Founding Fathers. It's what originally made America great. Prominent personalities published their debates in journals and newspapers and we still read them today. We study the intricacies of their thought process in "The Federalist Papers" and other important documents that seem irrelevant today. Our Founding Fathers didn't agree on everything - they actually didn't agree on much - and their debates were very public. They were extraordinary in their ability to critically think about how their existence would impact the future.
Today, it seems as if we're predisposed to "take our ball and go home" if someone challenges us with a difficult question. Sometimes answering is way above our pay grade, so we resort to shifting the blame and accusing the one asking the question of something unrelated to the question. We don't read the entire article because we make up our mind before hearing what they have to say. We don't engage in civil discourse because we're constantly offended and more interested in defending our decisions or positions than having conversations on what is best and what we'll leave behind for the next generation.
I wonder how the Founding Fathers would engage in conversations today. Facebook seems to have as much street cred as the Center for Disease Control. Many prefer reading the news from Huffington Post or The Blaze because it tells them what they want to hear (if you read the angle that fits your political preferences). We have no interest in another way of thinking.
In sports, we seem to be trapped in a crazy cycle with an abundance of opportunity, but very little option. Every week I read an article that outlines big concerns with the current system, yet youth organizations plow forward thinking only of this week or, if we're lucky, this year. Why can't we get the 15 years down the road conversations? What is the path? What is the plan? Who is taking them there?
Why can't we have those discussions without being negatively received? Why don't sports experts, doctors, scientists, etc. who dedicate their entire life and well-being to research and data regarding participation in sports have more to say about what is healthy in sports than a carpenter, mechanic, salesman, etc. who moonlights as a youth coach?
The youth sports scene is out-of-control. One cannot rationally say otherwise. Of course, there are several great things in youth sports and your son or daughter might be full of smiles. That doesn't change that, collectively and generally, it's a broken system.
It's necessary that we allow for important, meaningful and worthwhile conversations about what is taking place. That's the starting place to making productive changes that lead to the best experiences.
St. Francis of Assisi said, "start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Well, let him do whatever he wants
Last night I received a text message from a friend who has three children under 7 years old and a fourth on the way. He was recalling some of his experiences as a basketball player and was struggling with the thought of letting his own children go through some of the "dark times" that he did. I could tell he was thinking deeply on the issue of whether or not to allow his children to play sports.
This is how I responded:
That exchange is nauseatingly familiar to me and because it's rooted in innocence, I don't take the steps to engage in the next part of the discussion - letting my kids do whatever they want. This is far from my modus operandi as a parent. This should be obvious, however, it might be less obvious and even unacceptable in the sports communities. I won't let my kids do whatever they want and I won't let my kids participate in whatever sport they want to. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not advocating for my sport of choice or pressing my desires and interests on them. In fact, I've never asked any of my kids if they'd like to wrestle. They've asked me if they can come along and participate in youth practices.
What I am saying is that there are some sports opportunities that I believe I are not right for my kids, or any kid, to participate in. Generally speaking, though, it's not that one sport creates more of an inherent risk than others or that any one specific sport is bad for kids. What I am saying is that there are adults influencing some sports cultures that create an unhealthy environment for children. In addition, there are opportunities piled on top of other opportunities and I would do well to make sure my children aren't spread too thin. Those are experiences that I will do all I can to keep my children from.
I've seen parents go through several scenarios and situations involving sports and now, as a parent myself, I'm beginning to feel some of those pressures to get involved. In the text message from my friend, he was expressing concern with this pressure. But here's the deal: parents need to be firm and have the courage not to just go with the flow. Well, everyone else is doing it...what a juvenile decision making process. Just because I see my neighbors running themselves ragged taking their young child to different youth practices every single night of the week doesn't mean that I need to jump on that wagon. Just because one of the most popular youth sports opportunities in our community attracts kids and parents who 'tolerate' poor coaching and an unhealthy culture doesn't mean that I need to sign my kids up for it, too. Just because some parents are focused on the here and now doesn't mean I should ignore my conviction of long-term growth and development and overall well-being of my children.
Am I claiming to have all of this figured out? No way. Do I believe that some opportunities can be good for one and not for another? Absolutely. Is it, 'here we go again, someone telling me how to raise my kids...?' Not even close. All I'm advocating is that parents think deeply on matters surrounding youth sports and their children's involvement and make decisions out of conviction rather than convenience while considering the long-term implications from short-term decisions.
Sports, left to their own devices, are inherently fun. Fun comes in many different shapes and sizes and is all across the spectrum for children in sports. Still, no matter what, youth sports should always be focused on what children need and not what parents want. Sometimes, those two things can co-exist, but sometimes they're mutually exclusive.
This is how I responded:
I think sports have great potential to teach important life skills and learn great life lessons. Those rough times forge character with the right perspective and support. When the joy and wonder of sports in encouraged, it's a great experience no matter the outcome. I think the youth sports culture is driven by unhealthy perspectives from parents and coaches and it creates a lot of pressure for kids. My suggestion is to be wise about what kind of organized sports they participate in based on coaches and programs who "get it."Several times I've shared how members of our community ask me if our young boys are wrestlers. There's nothing underlying in those questions. It's sincere curiosity and, most times, the cliche thing to say to a wrestling coach. My answer is always predictable and I say something along lines of, "I don't know...we'll see..." which is usually followed immediately by, "yeah, well, let them do whatever they want..."
...When our purpose in sport is greater than our goals, our pleasure throughout the sports experience is much greater. When purpose and goals are one in the same, problems will always arise - usually with moral integrity or identity issues.
That exchange is nauseatingly familiar to me and because it's rooted in innocence, I don't take the steps to engage in the next part of the discussion - letting my kids do whatever they want. This is far from my modus operandi as a parent. This should be obvious, however, it might be less obvious and even unacceptable in the sports communities. I won't let my kids do whatever they want and I won't let my kids participate in whatever sport they want to. Don't misunderstand me; I'm not advocating for my sport of choice or pressing my desires and interests on them. In fact, I've never asked any of my kids if they'd like to wrestle. They've asked me if they can come along and participate in youth practices.
What I am saying is that there are some sports opportunities that I believe I are not right for my kids, or any kid, to participate in. Generally speaking, though, it's not that one sport creates more of an inherent risk than others or that any one specific sport is bad for kids. What I am saying is that there are adults influencing some sports cultures that create an unhealthy environment for children. In addition, there are opportunities piled on top of other opportunities and I would do well to make sure my children aren't spread too thin. Those are experiences that I will do all I can to keep my children from.
I've seen parents go through several scenarios and situations involving sports and now, as a parent myself, I'm beginning to feel some of those pressures to get involved. In the text message from my friend, he was expressing concern with this pressure. But here's the deal: parents need to be firm and have the courage not to just go with the flow. Well, everyone else is doing it...what a juvenile decision making process. Just because I see my neighbors running themselves ragged taking their young child to different youth practices every single night of the week doesn't mean that I need to jump on that wagon. Just because one of the most popular youth sports opportunities in our community attracts kids and parents who 'tolerate' poor coaching and an unhealthy culture doesn't mean that I need to sign my kids up for it, too. Just because some parents are focused on the here and now doesn't mean I should ignore my conviction of long-term growth and development and overall well-being of my children.
Am I claiming to have all of this figured out? No way. Do I believe that some opportunities can be good for one and not for another? Absolutely. Is it, 'here we go again, someone telling me how to raise my kids...?' Not even close. All I'm advocating is that parents think deeply on matters surrounding youth sports and their children's involvement and make decisions out of conviction rather than convenience while considering the long-term implications from short-term decisions.
Sports, left to their own devices, are inherently fun. Fun comes in many different shapes and sizes and is all across the spectrum for children in sports. Still, no matter what, youth sports should always be focused on what children need and not what parents want. Sometimes, those two things can co-exist, but sometimes they're mutually exclusive.