2014 Year In Review

Another year has come and gone.  As I get older, years seem to go by much quicker than they did when I was young.  Children and responsibilities make life much more interesting than it was when I was a teenager full of dreams for the future.  I still have a lot of dreams inside my head, however, as much of my time is spent looking back as it is looking forward.  I ponder on events that have passed and reflect on my activity daily in hopes of gaining important insight and valuable wisdom.  Finding a few minutes to myself to be quiet before God and reflective and introspective is something I cherish.  Below are a few reflections I have from 2014.

Investing in the lives of others is more important for my growth than it is for theirs.  I've had the opportunity to "mentor" a few people over the last ten years.  It's important that I help give back by sharing my experiences and what I've learned from being in similar life situations.  Not only is it important to those receiving the advice and input, but it's invaluable to the one handing it out.  This year, I looked forward to those weekly meetings because they were extremely rich in content and helped me grow in several areas as a man, husband and father.  Coaching young athletes provides several areas for me to invest in others as well, however, I'm the one learning the most in those relationships.

Things that matter don't happen accidentally.  Receiving the right kind of input requires being intentional.  I'm hard pressed to find time to read books, however, I take advantage of extended periods of solitude (airplanes, hotels, etc) to jam in as much as I can.  I also look for moments in the car when I can play a talk, book on tape or sermon series.  The scenario that I'm currently living in has me pouring a lot of myself out - coaching, parenting, etc. - and I need fill up.  It needs to be intentional, though.

A jigsaw puzzle is a great metaphor for life.  I love completing a puzzle and admiring the finished product, however, what happens in between dumping the pieces on the table and overlooking it when it's complete is a perfect picture of how successful people navigate life.  Laying a foundation for future success is how every puzzle maker begins the process by sorting pieces and building the edge. Throughout the experience, there are several times when things fall together with little effort while many more require patience and a change of perspective.  The ability to see a situation differently in the midst of a struggle is one of life's greatest challenges.  Spinning a puzzle piece around in my fingers helps me remember that my point-of-view is only one of many and in the end, there's only one way...referencing John 14:6, not a Sammy Hagar lyric.

When presented with the opportunity to choose your family, pick them every time.  I love my life because I'm able to put a few things on hold and spend a lot of time with my family.  My wife and I are extremely blessed to spend an abundance of time with each other and our children.  I've had to make some difficult decisions in order to make it a reality and I don't regret any of them.  I miss a few things about the life I had before children, but I've listened to hundreds of people older and much smarter and wiser than I am who said spend as much time with your children while they're young as you can.  In 2014, I lightened my load even more in order to spend more time with my family.  I understand my circumstances are different than most and many aren't afforded the same opportunities I've been blessed with.  Still, if you do get the chance to choose, choose your family.

Marriage is exciting and fun when you continually make it a priority.  This might be a quote by Captain Obvious, however, I'm shocked by how little attention couples actually give to their marriage.  There are a lot of great people with wonderful marriages who get by without consciously prioritizing it, however, studies show they might be one unprojected change or tragedy from separating.  Liz and I understand we each married another human being full of thoughts, expectations and opinions different than our own.  Each of us has a lifetime of baggage, too.  We committed to that person on our wedding day while making a promise to commit to who that person becomes in the future.  We want to navigate life together, however, we want our marriage to thrive, not just survive, in a selfish society that has stacked the deck against the institution of marriage.  10 months ago we completed the Love and Respect study by Emerson Eggerichs and it was a "game changer" for us.

Actions speak louder than words.  This is an important principle to live by, however, don't excuse that words matter as well.  Showing someone you love them is far more important that telling them, but if we strive to show them, it doesn't hurt to tell them, too.  It's irresponsible to assume the other person knows what you're thinking and feeling.  We must show others with actions (and use words to communicate).

My list of recommendations shrink year after year, however, I do suggest everyone in a coaching role spends some time exploring the notion of 3 Dimensional Coaching.  I'm also a big fan of Talent Code by Daniel Coyle and Relentless by Tim Glover.  I did some research on Vince Lombardi and he's a pretty important resource for coaches (even those who don't cheer for the Packers).  I attended the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit and plead with everyone who breathes to attend it in 2015 (August 6-7).  I was inspired by Pastor Choco (Wilfredo de Jesus) and enjoyed In The Gap.  It was relevant to my life and provided some historical context that excites a history nerd.  I receive an e-mail daily from Seth Godin.  His leadership expertise is priceless (actually, it's free).  I carve time in my schedule to listen to sermons by Steven Furtick, Matt Chandler and Andy Stanley.  I have a long list of others, including Louie Giglio, who never cease to blow my mind with Biblical truths.  I'm also excited about the impact Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck has had on the administration at River Falls High School.

Tom Brady said what?

The Packers beat the Patriots yesterday in a hard fought game with a playoff-type atmosphere.  It was nationally televised as the Game of the Week.  In a hard fought game with a playoff-type atmosphere, it's not the 26-21 win by Green Bay that is stealing the headlines.  Instead, it's Tom Brady, the Patriots star quarterback, who was shown on separate occasions using explicit profanity on the sidelines as he expressed frustration.  The NFL will likely fine him a hefty amount for the outbursts (Rex Ryan was fined $100,000 for his dirty word).

The real reason so many are commenting on Facebook, Twitter and in the blogoshphere today about a superstar coming unhinged is because Tom Brady cares.  He gives a damn.  He's passionate about what he does, expects success and doesn't take well to losing.  Shouldn't this attitude be expected of every professional player across the world (and amateur players, for that matter)?  Shouldn't we expect a never-say-die attitude outside of sports, too?  The NFL has a lot of individuals who are more concerned with a paycheck than they are with excellence and justifiably receive a lot of flack for it.  Tom Brady is not one of those players.  He is compensated very nicely, too, by the way.

In no way am I about to condone the behavior or language of Brady, but here's the reality...  Tom Brady is an extremely focused individual.  He's more disciplined than 99% of the world's population.  He's a great football player, is ultra competitive and has a huge platform that he leverages very well.  When he's on the football field, the world around him disappears.  He's in the zone.  The rest of the population cannot begin to comprehend how detail-oriented, precise and intense the time he spends on the field actually is.  Is it healthy?  I don't know; that's not the conversation.  Does this excuse his explosion?  Not at all, but this is his reality.  What happens inside the arena of sports is not always family friendly.  CBS should know better.  They should be carrying the brunt of the criticism today.

Is it okay for Tom Brady to use profanities?  I suppose it is even if I choose to use other words even when frustrated.  It's his prerogative.  Should he be held accountable by the NFL?  Probably.   Was Tom Brady a good role model?  Definitely.  Is he still a good role model?  Of course.  Do other players curse during football games?  Duh.  Is Tom Brady the first person to use profanities during a nationally televised game?  Come on, let's not be so dramatic, of course not.  Is it alright for me make judgements of Tom Brady's behavior (or other professional athletes)?  Sure it is and probably not.  Should CBS have replayed his frustrations?  Absolutely not.

Today, Monday Morning Quarterbacks like me are making outlandish claims that Brady is an arrogant sore loser.  A cry baby.  An elitist.  That he should take the loss like a man (as if manhood is somehow linked to this).  Well, maybe...just maybe...this mentality is why he has more Super Bowl rings than anyone else in football.  It's probably why he has become one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time despite being an average college football player.  He should be a sore loser.  I love coaching sore losers.  I'd like an entire team of them.

As an athlete, I lost my cool a time or two.  I'm not proud of those moments.  I learned from a few of them, was justified in a couple, didn't affect a single person in most, regret some, forgot about others and no matter what they looked like, life moved on and I wasn't the center of the universe for any of them.  As a coach, I've acted out-of-line and been approached by athletes, parents, coaches and officials in an attempt to correct my behavior or tell me that they were disappointed in me.  I've acted in an unsportsmanlike way and those moments have happened as a result of anger, frustration, corruption and poor judgement.  I've second guessed my responses several times.  In everyone of those moments, I had the good fortune to be able to live the moment only in the moment.  There were no replays and no one wrote about my character online.

Fine.  What's the point of me writing something about what Tom Brady said?  It's to use the situation as a teachable moment.  You never know who's watching and exactly when they're watching.  Tom Brady doesn't have the CBS broadcast playing on the sidelines.  He doesn't see what we see.  He didn't know he was being filmed at those vulnerable moments and CBS has a professional responsibility to make sure those moments don't get into my living room.  We shouldn't expect to be included in what happens on the sidelines or between the hashes.  Still, it doesn't matter because you never know who's watching...no matter who you are.  That's what character education is all about.  Character is who you are when no one is watching, and guess what?  There could always be someone watching, especially during a nationally televised contest, but also within your home, at work or school or anywhere.  Is it too much to expect others to be on their best behavior while affording grace to those who "lose it"?

Remember what Uncle Ben said?  "With great power comes great responsibility."  We all have the power to make a positive impact on others and you never know when those opportunities are taking place.

What we learned from parent-led conversation starters

At the parent-athlete-coach meeting that we hosted prior to the start of the wrestling season, we challenged the parents to take initiative in engaging in healthy conversations with their children.  I had been writing about productive communication between parents and student-athletes for a month leading into the season, so we took proactive measures to help the parents in our program talk to their children.  Parents were given conversation starters and encouraged to share a few of the things they discovered in the process.  It turned out to be a great exercise that produced favorable results.  It helped me to know our athletes better (which is a priority to all coaches).  The information they choose to share with Mom and Dad is usually different than what they choose to share with Coach.  I was able to get an insight into some family dynamics, too.

1. Would you say I'm better at giving compliments or criticizing?
2. Would you say I'm a bad, okay or good listener?
3. What's the most fun thing we've ever done together?
4. Share with your son/daughter who your childhood hero was (and why).
5. Share with your son/daughter about a teacher who had a positive impact on you.
6. Why have you signed up for wrestling?
7. What would you like to accomplish and/or get out of this wrestling season?

The results
So, what were the results?  According to kids, most parents criticize more than compliment, don't always listen very well and aren't aware that the simple things in life are often the most fun.  Parents enjoyed the opportunity to share important pieces of their childhood.  In the e-mail responses, it was clear that this energized the parents.

Breaking it down
Compliments or criticism?
Looking into this further, some of the results are slightly misleading.  What kid wouldn't say their parents tend to criticize more than compliment, right?  In some cases, if an individual is quick to say their mom or dad offers more compliments, it's possible that they're seldom held accountable.  After all, we tend to hear and see the negative much more loudly and vividly than the positive.  Some of us are awful at receiving constructive criticism while others are awful at accepting compliments.  The answers to the first question might not tell us the entire discourse.

Focusing on our marriage, my wife and I discussed these questions.  We were shocked that neither of us could correctly recall when the last time either of us had complimented the other.  We both feel like we have a healthy relationship and communicate very well.  This convicted me and I took it as a challenge to offer my wife more compliments.  She deserves them and I have a responsibility to look for those moments where she shines so that I can quickly recognize her.  We shouldn't be quick to offer false hope by complimenting children when it's unwarranted, however, there are plenty of great opportunities that pass us by.  There is power in praise.  You should be praising kids four times as often as you are correcting them.

Bad, okay or good listener?
These results also revealed that our listening skills can use some attention.  We all have several distractions that we're dealing with moment-by-moment.  The piece that was most revealing was to hear parents was defending themselves when their son or daughter said they don't listen well.  I'm quite certain none of them wanted to hear they were bad listeners.  I'm also certain that immediately going on the defense is evidence of not listening very well.  Sometimes, our children just want to be heard and their home should be a safe place for this.  If we ask them a question, we must allow for them to have a voice and speak their mind.  Some of their answers will surprise us, some will encourage or inspire and still some might even hurt.  Empowering them to have a voice is more valuable than our temporary feelings - good or bad.  The ultimate challenge in this moment is to hear his or her heart in the matter and be a reflective listener.

Most fun?
If you're like me, most of the memorable moments of your childhood didn't take place at a tournament or in a classroom.  There are indelible memories from my sports career, without a doubt, however, when thinking about the most fun I had with my family my mind immediately goes to getting outside the wake on a tube, water parks, snow forts, bike ramps, derbies in the garage, cucumber boats, road trips in a rusty van, the Green Bay Packers, etc.  As an individual, I'm proud of my accomplishments in the sports world, as are my parents and siblings, but they're actually a small part of my life (and my family is entrenched in wrestling as much as any other family in the country).

Sports are important, but not that important.  If you don't believe me, ask your child what the most fun they've ever had with you is.  If he/she answers that participation in a tournament is the most fun they've had, he/she might be missing out on being a kid.

Heroes and teachers?
Several of our parents had never found the opportunity to share with their children about what made them come alive as a youngster.  The important people, the heroes, the role models, the people that helped you become who you are today are complete strangers to your kids.  Why?  They were once important to you and in some cases, still are.  Don't be afraid to be an example to your kids who are also looking to others as role models.  They have big dreams and big goals, just like you did.  They're looking to others for inspiration and motivation.  They want someone to emulate.  As parents, we can have a part by teaching them who is good to follow and who is not.  We have experience in the subject area, don't we?  Create teachable moments by enlightening your son or daughter about your past and who you were as a teenager.  Every student-athlete today would do well to learn a little more about how important figures of the 60's, 70's and 80's had a direct impact on people - Martin Luther King, Jr., John Wayne, Jane Goodall, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan, Ronald Reagan, John Lennon, and Julia Child, to name a few.

Why wrestling?  What does your son/daughter want to get out of the sport?
These are important questions for everyone involved to understand so we're all on the same page.  As a coach, it's important for me to know why these student-athletes are showing up for practice and what they'd like to get out of their involvement.  It's counterproductive to expect a team member to be all in when, in fact, he's not interested in that.  Of course I want to help him arrive at a place of commitment to excellence, but that looks different for each person.  We want to be welcoming to everyone, meeting them where they're at, while still demanding excellence.  In high school wrestling, someone can reach his full potential without ever winning a wrestling match while someone else can win every match and never reach his potential.  Our team might have both extremes and everything in between.  Our coaching staff has high expectation for each athlete and we encourage them to expect more than others think is possible.

Parents should expect their child to be their best and do their best.  The rest is up to the child.  There's a big difference between wanting what's best for your kids and wanting them to be the best.  Wanting what's best for your kids is about the child.  Wanting them to be the best is about the parent's expectations.  You should expect that you'll struggle with some unfilled expectations in your child's life until you stop expecting all of them to be fulfilled.  If you haven't asked these questions of your wrestler, you best do so quickly and get on the same page.  Your expectations need be aligned with their expectations so you can be a source of encouragement and support.

Life Application
In this constantly correcting, constantly evaluating pressure-filled world with countless distractions, there has to be space for acceptance.  Space for awareness and space for presence.  Space where time isn't measured in tenths of a second, but in how long it takes to complete a puzzle.  If there's one thing we can all take away from this it's that sometimes the best of us cannot be measured in wins or losses.  Instead, often times it's about being present in the moment.  Make some space in your life to be "all in" with your children, free from distractions and pressures.   Go, and create memories.

How is your relationship with your child?

I've been deeply involved in coaching wrestling for over 15 years.  It's my full-time job and I love it.  I've had the unique opportunity to coach athletes between the ages of 4 and 40 years old from the casual first year participant to Olympic athletes.  I've learned a lot about myself and the sport of wrestling from thousands of different types of people with thousands of different backgrounds.  Some have been heroic, others have been tragic; some are quite predictable and others are outrageous.  As a result, my coaching philosophy has matured with me and I've grown into a much better coach, husband, father and man.

As a coach, I've seen several unhealthy relationships between parents and children first hand.  You've all heard stories of the overbearing, out-of-control sports parents.  Being directly involved in a handful of unfortunate situations and seeing several others from the perimeter, being proactive in helping the relationships within our program is a priority.  After all, if it's a priority in my house, it should also be in our program.

As a parent, one of my primary responsibilities in the child rearing process is to help mold and shape my children so that one day we will have healthy adult relationships.  I'll always be their father, however, my opportunity to raise them is only a small part of the lifelong relationship we will have.  I'm afforded 18-20 years to instill in my children the things that are most important.  After that, my duty and role changes.  I'm putting everything I can into making these years count.  I don't want to assume anything, so healthy communication is extremely important.

How is your relationship with your child?  If you're open to reading a blog titled "How is your relationship with your child," you're probably a good parent.  You're likely introspective and reflective.  You want what's best for your children and you want to be the best you can be.  I've seen well-intented parents temporarily lose their way for a season in life because they were misguided or influenced by the wrong things.  They thought their kid was thinking one thing while they were actually thinking the opposite.  It's a sad story when the relationship between parent and child is strained as a result of sports.

A well documented survey was conducted on thousands of college and professional athletes over three decades who were asked to think back to: "What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?"

Their overwhelming response was: "The ride home from games with my parents."

The same athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great and excited about their involvement after a competition.  Their overwhelming response was: "I love to watch you play."

These are the answers from college and professional athletes.  The answers alone don't tell if they have healthy relationships with their parents or not and that's why it's important to ask the athletes about their experience.  Sometimes their answers are in stark contrast to what their parents perceive or are experiencing themselves.  The vast majority of parents that ride home from games (or practice) making it miserable for their children don't do so with malicious intent.  They're not the stereotypical crazy sports parents who push their kids beyond what's healthy.  They're good parents who can't resist the urge to initiate conversation about the contest.  So often it's the obvious conversation at the forefront of their minds.  However, in the moments following a competition, win, lose or draw, kids make a rapid transition from athlete back to child and they'd prefer if parents transitioned from spectator (or coach) back to mom and dad at the same pace.  I think parents would be surprised that the bus ride home usually involves very few conversations about the contest amongst athletes.

Parents sometimes feel there's a need to address certain aspects of the contest, however, the young athletes doesn't want to hear it immediately after the competition and, almost definitely, doesn't want to hear it from a parent. Sometimes, communication breakdowns occur and one might be thinking they support the other, but the one who needs to hear it actually hasn't heard it.  These subtle misunderstandings can lead to "performance-based acceptance" and that's not good for any meaningful relationship.

Now, before you sweep this notion under the rug and draw the conclusion that your kid is fully aware of your unconditional support, I challenge you to consider the question and have the courage to ask your son or daughter.  I have found it to be a humbling experience for nearly every parent who sincerely asks the question how is my relationship with my child?  It's not meant to create more insecurities for you as a parent.  Instead, it's an attempt to help us become aware of our reality.

I hope your son or daughter plays division 1 college athletics.  I hope they earn the opportunity to play their sport of choice for a living.  I'm going to do everything I can to help them achieve those dreams.  I'm going to demand excellence, expect greatness and push them to be their best.  I can make that guarantee.  What I hope for more than this is that the relationship with your child would strengthen through this process instead of breakdown and deteriorate.

I'm passionate about this topic because after 15 years of coaching, there are a large number of former athletes who value me in their life more than their parents.  In some cases, they have a much better relationship with me than they do with their parents do.  Why?  I've been around several programs who say they value family, however, very little is done to be intentional about it.  This is a step in the direction of being intentional.

In my experience as an athlete, I had two very supportive parents.  They understood their role and let my coaches coach.  They've always been mom and dad; I've never been confused about that.  I'm forever grateful for how they allowed my athletic career to be my own.  I enjoyed some success and I'm proud of it.  I've also taken advantage of many opportunities that were created because of sports.  As a 35-year husband and father of three, I'm much more thankful for the relationship with my parents today than I am for my fleeting athletic accomplishments of the past.  I talk to one or both of my parents everyday.  I trust that they have my best interest in mind while respecting the boundaries of a healthy adult relationship.  I'd more proud of my influence in the life of an athlete if he/she could say the same 15 years from now than if they achieved on-the-mat success at the expense of what matters most.

Family dynamics is important in our program.  It's not just lip service.  We offer tangible and productive ways for parents to engage in the lives of their sons and daughters.  Sometimes it's difficult, inconvenient or uncomfortable.  Recently, I gave our wrestling parents an assignment over two weeks to ask some important questions as well as share some important information.  The activity has yielded great results and families are having meaningful conversations.

Sports parents might be surprised to hear their son/daughter tell them how they really feel.  58% of children say their mom or dad are too distracted to listen to them when they have something to say.  How about you?  Are you asking the right questions and are you listening to their answers?

Why kids quit sports and how parents should respond

Today, the only thing that we participate in more than sports is going to school, and that’s required by law.  We read about sports and watch them on television more than anything else.  However, kids aren’t sticking around and participating long enough to enjoy the many long-term benefits of them.

Overall participation in athletics is on the decline.  Despite what our intuition says when we drive by the sports fields on Saturday morning, the statistics are conclusive.  High school football, for example, fell 2.3% last year nationwide while players 8 years old or younger increased by 10.2%.  Increasing numbers in youth sports doesn’t automatically lead to growth at more mature levels. In most sports, more little kids means less big kids.  It’s not a hunch; it’s a statistical fact.

Combined participation in the four most-popular US team sports – basketball, soccer, baseball and football – fell among boys and girls aged 6 through 17 by roughly 4% over the last five years.  During that time, the population of 6-to-17 year olds in the US fell only 0.6%, according to the US Census.

Michael Bergeron, Executive Director of the National Youth Sports Health and Safety Institute said in a recent article, “We have to be aware of single sport specialization, overuse, overworking kids searching for the elite athletes; all of these things are causing kids to leave youth sport and not return.”  Why should the youth sports culture listen to him, though, right?

In the United States, the FDA takes responsibility for knowing everything about our food and drugs, as the EPA does with the environment.  There’s no agency or organization that monitors sports either as a central part of American childhood or as an industry.  We’re the only civilized country in the world without something equivalent to a Ministry of Sport (Canada).  As a result, we’re left with a Wild West of local and regional organizations chock full of well-intended parents and coaches who don’t know who to listen, what to do or where to look for guidance, so they continue to shoot from the hip with the next game or tournament fueling their decisions.   There is a mountain of sports science research, statistical data and professional opinion that suggests our current system is completely out of whack.

We can do our best to discuss this topic with objectivity, however, my experience has taught me that there is too much emotion to enter into a rational decision making process that is best for children, coaches and parents all at the same time.  As it stands, the culture is driven by the desires of parents and money.  Make someone a youth board president and suddenly he’s an expert.  When someone raises their hand, they’re put in a place of leadership.  Still, some are willing to engage in the conversation no matter how little traction it gets in hopes of steering the ship onto the right course.  This isn’t that conversation, though.  Not right now, at least.

So, here we are. 

Statistics say that 75% of children participating in sports will no longer participate by the age of 12.  Between the ages of 14 and 15, there’s additional 26% drop in kids who play at least one sport even casually.   There’s a very high statistical chance that your son or daughter will fall into this category, so what should you do?

Why are children walking away from sports they once loved?

• A child’s joy and wonder in sports is replaced by organization and micromanaging by adults.
• Over-emphasis on winning as the objective results in increased pressure
• Stress on high performance that translates into longer hours of practice, longer seasons and specialization at an early age.
•  A high demand from several activities simultaneously that eliminates margin – the space between load and limit.
•  Children starting in youth sports at younger ages leads to some simply growing bored with a sport after a number of years.
• Lack of training for youth coaches and frustration of kids who take orders from well-intentioned but misguided coaches.

 The number one reason children choose to leave a sport is they’re not having fun.  Every survey reveals this.  As high as 40% of children list not having fun as a primary reason, yet adults are hell-bent on making the competitive experience the focus.  Health problems or injuries, not getting along with coaches or teammates, not experiencing improvement and the need to focus on school are other reasons that rank high throughout several surveys of youth athletes.

In a recent conversation with seven adults whose children are in youth sports, their responses to this subject were: “that’s life,” “they have to learn to deal with it,” “they have to learn sometime,” “sports is survival of the fittest,” “sports are supposed to be tough,” “I don’t want to raise quitters,” and on-and-on.  We were talking about their own children between the ages of 7 and 10.  The reality is, many adults wouldn’t, and shouldn’t, put up with these feelings at work.  They’d look for a different place of employment, but they expect their children to push through them in activities that are supposed to be fun.

What should YOU do?  As a parent, how can you help your son or daughter work through some of the struggles sports presents so they remain involved when they’re emotionally and intellectually capable to grasp the “good stuff”?  What should you do if your child is considering quitting?

• If you’re not attending your son/daughter’s competitions, start immediately.  Everyone understands the demands of life can be difficult to juggle, however, children NEED support from their parents.  Be there.  Watch them.  Tell them you enjoy watching them.  Their schedule is available well in advance.  Choose them over your friends.  Choose to watch a wrestling match, even if it’s a long drive from home, instead of watching that episode of your favorite show.  Bring their brothers and sisters, too.
• Talk to your child.  Have a conversation with him/her.  It’s staggering how many parents are on a completely different page than their child when it comes to their athletic endeavors.  Don’t assume you know.  Ask how it’s going.  Listen to their answers.  Don’t try to fix, offer solutions or blame others.  Hear their heart.
• Talk to other parents (with caution).  Get their opinion.  Hold each other accountable to being good parents rather than trying to be mediocre coaches. 
• Talk to the coach.  Be proactive while remaining professional.  Respect boundaries.  Discussing X’s and O’s with a coach isn’t important.  Instead, ask the coach more meaningful questions that can be answered with sustenance.  Ask for his/her opinion, what he/she enjoys about your son/daughter or what the plan is.
• Make what your son/daughter is doing relevant.  Get to know your son/daughter on a deeper level while you get to know more about what he/she is doing.  Use technology, empower him/her, etc.
• Let them decide to no longer participate.  Obviously, there’s a negative stigma with quitting.  Change the discourse.  Not everyone who chooses to leave a sport that's not for them is a quitter.  If he/she doesn’t want to participate any longer, don’t make him/her do it.  Help with the decision making process (even if you really want to see your son participate on varsity someday).  Make it about the growth process.  With every decision, there are ramifications and repercussions.  If we want sports to be about teaching important life skills, then making well-informed and rational decisions is worth it.

 We’re one week from the start of the high school wrestling season.  Excitement is high and we’re ready to get in the practice room.  As the season progresses, things can become difficult.  In Wisconsin, the weather cuts like a knife, Christmas break changes the pace of life and the grind of January takes it toll on everyone.  Just like we prepare for all of these things, we need to prepare for the emotional rollercoaster our children will go through while being involved in high school sports.  

Choose your words wisely

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  This is one of the most misleading nursery rhymes of all-time.  Wikipedia says about the rhyme, "it persuades the child victim of name-calling to ignore the taunt, to refrain from physical retaliation and to remain calm and good-natured."  That's a great twist of the meaning in a world of butterflies and rainbows; however, reality says that words can hurt.

Words matter.  Not only the words we hear from a bully, but the words we hear on a regular basis from our loved ones as well as the ongoing self-talk inside our minds.  Words are either building-up and uplifting or tearing down and degrading.  Being careful and wise and word selection can be the difference in if we receive the good fortune of watching our children become the men and women they were created to be.  It can be the difference on if we ever reach our own full human and athletic potential or see our children achieve their goals.

Below are a few words that if used correctly at the right time can unpack potential as they tap into the power of choice.  How we talk to ourselves or to others does make a difference.  If we successfully speak to potential instead of problems, we empower instead of victimize (disempower) and both the process and outcome will be more enjoyable.

Sacrifice vs. Investment 

Sacrifice requires giving something up for someone or something else.  Investment means to put something into something in anticipation and hopes of getting more in return.  The greatest sacrifice of all-time was Jesus going to the cross.  I’m thankful for that important sacrifice.  We’re talking about sports here, not salvation, and in sports sacrifice has a negative connotation.  It sounds as if we’re missing out on something and it sounds like a victim mentality (as if what one is doing is something being done to them).  The rhetorical question on the back of the state qualifier t-shirt, “you’ve wondered if the sacrifice is worth it?” sounds cute, but misses the intent of choosing something better.  Our student-athletes are making investments.  They’re investing in their athletic success, academic careers, relationships, character development, etc.  By making investments, they’re trusting that the return will be bigger than what they initially invested or put in.  Eliminating the word sacrifice changes the outlook because kids are no longer missing out.  It becomes an important choice.  Choice and investment come from a place of power.  It’s a shift in the language of duty to the language of privilege.  It’s a game changer.

Pressure vs. Drive  

When used correctly, pressure can be a great motivating force.  After all, pressure is what turns coal into diamonds.  Pressure is also the reason many individuals choose to leave a sport they once loved.  This is another play on words because words have influence.  The best athletes in the entire world perform best on the biggest stage.  Sportscasters claim they thrive on pressure.  To many that’s what they see, however, the best don’t view pressure the same way others do.  It’s an external force that triggers and internal motivation to focus on what they can control and block out the distractions.  They get in the zone and become the best version of who they are in the competitive arena.   Being driven is not the same as handling pressure.  When parents tell their son/daughter to not let pressure get to them, they miss the opportunity for positive reinforcement.  Help him/her discover that drive inside and pressure won’t hold them down, it will help them shine like a diamond.  Additionally, I've heard several parents claim their child puts a lot of “pressure” on themselves.  Let’s just agree to say it a different way and recognize that drive.   He doesn’t put a of pressure on himself, he’s driven.

React vs. Respond

Reactions happen to you; responses are something you make happen.  During every moment that occurs, if one makes the choice to respond rather than react, the result is better.  The analogy my dad shared with me when I was in high school is that if you react to penicillin, it can be deadly, however, if you respond to it, it can save your life.  It’s that simple, and that scary.  The gap between reacting and responding can be the same as life and death.   Parents are removed from the action [on the mat], so there’s nothing that warrants a reaction.  Being in the middle of it all, we can lend more grace to student-athletes, especially when they’re children still learning how the world around them works.  Still, responding rather than reacting is the expectation.   A difficult loss or bad call by a referee, an awful decision, a significant setback or something disappointing will present the opportunity to choose to react or respond. 

These are only a few words that are examples of changing the conversation and looking at situations differently.  They’re about being positive on purpose instead of being negative by accident.  Other examples of choosing your words wisely is using setback instead of failure, disappointment instead of tragedy, challenge instead of difficulty, success instead of winning (or losing) – more on that one later.  Eliminate negative words like but…,  or phrases like it’s just that… and look at things through a much brighter point-of-view so you can see your son or daughter find a brand new passion for the sport of wrestling.

It’s about perspective and every word matters, so be intentional.  Are you interested in your son/daughter developing in a way that he/she sees problems in every opportunity or an opportunity in every problem?  Is the glass half full or half empty?  Come to think it, it doesn’t matter.  If there’s anything in the glass at all, there’s an opportunity for good.  

You have the choice to respond to this message by engaging that inner drive so that you can make investments in a life much more exciting, positive and supportive for your student-athlete.  

What do I say when...?

One of the most common questions I receive from parents is "what do I say?"  

What do I say when he's not motivated?  What do I say when he loses?  What do I say when she won't open up?  These are important questions and rooted in a parent's genuine care and concern for their child.  Often times, the best answer to most of these questions is, "nothing."  Don't say anything.  Be there and be available, but more times than not, no words are required.  If you insist on saying something to announce your presence, simply stating, "I'm here if you need me" is sufficient.  Your son/daughter knows when mistakes are made, when the outcome is less than favorable and he/she is also aware when your questions are an attempt to point to the obvious.

What do I say when he/she loses?

This question presents several very interesting dynamics.  Often times it reveals that the outcome matters to the parents.  Of course, the outcome matters, but it should always matter more to the athlete than the parent.  What do you say when he/she wins?  Should the discourse really be any different?  Attitude and effort is what parents should value and presenting the feeling of performance-based acceptance is a slippery slope that all parents will do well to avoid.  

When a parent asks me this question, it’s tempting to answer with philosophical ideas, however, it’s important to answer the question directly while being sensitive to the question behind the question.  I have found that the best thing to say after a loss is, in fact, nothing.  What's more important is that you acknowledge that things didn't go the way the athlete had hoped or planned.  Don't project your displeasure of a loss on your child (again, make it about the attitude and effort).  He/she is allowed to be upset after a loss and may choose to withdraw for a while.  Respect that, let him/her go and be there when he/she comes out of that shell.  The coach will take care of the timing and encouraging him/her to move on.  Mom and Dad shouldn't, especially in front of other athletes or parents.  

My advice to dads is to give the proverbial head nod, wink or pat on the shoulder to let your son or daughter know you recognized what occurred and you'll be available when needed.  Moms, do your best not to absorb the emotional side of their defeat.  You don't have to carry that weight.  You can be sad, however, boys, in particular, need to figure out how to handle their own emotions.  Let them figure it out.

Don't say: The obligatory "good job" usually misses the mark because, in the moment, he/she thinks it was not a good job.  The same is true for other fillers like, "next time...," "you were soooo close," etc.  These show a lack of awareness and empathy.  Under no circumstances should you ever belittle or yell at your child or another athlete for losing.

What do I say when he/she seems unmotivated?

Motivation comes in all shapes and sizes.  A typical high school athlete goes in and out of being motivated.  When motivated, sometimes it's extrinsic and other times it's intrinsic.  Is he trying to impress his girlfriend or buddies?  Is she more interested in the friendships developing than performing?  It's a rare teenager who possesses a drive that fuels motivation at a high level on a routine basis.  Motivation is “purpose driven” and understanding why he/she is participating in the first place is a good start to understanding where he/she should fall on the motivation spectrum.  If you find yourself in a place asking why he/she seems unmotivated, it's possible that you've missed the big picture earlier on.  Before the season even begins, you should ask why he/she chose to participate in wrestling.  Ask what is motivating them.  Are they interested in improving?  You may even ask about their goals, however, you must be sensitive to how you project and how they receive that conversation.  Knowing these things in advance may alleviate the need to ask about their motivation.

Don’t say: Avoid the urge to use the word “we” when talking about your child’s sports career.  If a teenager is motivated by his parent’s desires, his/her career will be short and less than satisfactory.  We have big goals this year.  We’re planning on wrestling this weight class.  We have five pounds to go.  When a parent describes his son/daughter’s wrestling activities with the subject “we,” it is a red flag.

What do I say during matches?

This is athlete-specific and everyone has different ideas on what they want to hear from their parents in the heat of the moment.  Most studies have revealed that kids actually prefer their parents don’t say anything during their competitions.  Some like encouragement and others enjoy productive instruction.  No one likes negative criticism or humiliation.  I’ve heard parents and coaches justify their inappropriate behaviors by claiming kids like it and their kid responds well to being yelled at.  Kids don’t like being yelled at.  Period.

In our program, I prefer parents engage in a conversation off the mat with their child and directly ask what their son/daughter would like them to say during matches.  As a default, cheering is great, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about.  Clapping and saying, “let’s go!” at the beginning of the match is never wrong.  Encouragingly cheering is good for everyone.  Be wise and avoid placing unneeded and un-welcomed pressure on your child.

Don’t say: Negative comments should be avoided at all costs.  “Come on!”  “What were you thinking?”  “How bad to you want it?” also don’t help.  If the language you use during a match ends in a question mark, it’s likely non-productive.

These are only a few questions that parents have.  Most of the time, the questions are well-intended and sincere.  I encourage parents to dig deeper and find the question behind the question.  Is the place it’s coming from honest and legit?  Is it about the outcome, keeping up with the Jonses, trying to eliminate adversity for your child?

As a coach, I do my best to be open to all parental concerns and questions.  Active and involved parents are typically good parents.  I’m more concerned about the parents who don’t show an interest in their child.  Good parents should have conversations about the well-being of their son or daughter with coaches and teachers when there's concern.  They should be private in nature, without their child present and sometimes without his/her knowledge.  Healthy boundaries should be respected at all times.  Parents should be Mom and Dad, coaches should coach and the groups should compliment and support one another.