Manhood and the movies

As we head into tournament time during the high school wrestling season, we're focusing on what it means to be a man.  I use a lot of different resources to put together our vision for manhood.  Many boys and young men hear others instructing them to "be a man," however, many of them don't exactly know what that means.

Our vision comes primarily from four points used in Raising A Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis.  A real man rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously and expects a greater reward.  We expand on these points by striving to live for something bigger than ourselves or having a "transcendent cause" (expecting a greater reward).  Additionally, we believe that real men are contributors, not consumers and protect others.  

If we expect our boys to become men, we have to lay out a clear vision of what that means.  If they're left to discover what a man is on their own, they'll likely base their ideas on what others tell them and might miss the mark entirely.  Unfortunately, there aren't many quality influences lining up to tell them what it means to be a man.  Instead, they hear from society, television, radio and other places to drink this to be a man or drive that to be a man.  Take the opportunity to watch the commercials during the Super Bowl this weekend and evaluate if they're telling boys that their manhood is defined by what they consume or the contributions they make.  I assure you, the message will be loud and clear.  Hollywood offers a few heroic stories of manhood, but it doesn't get much clearer in the movies, either.

A typical story line in today's movies features a guy who has to overcome adversity or fight the patriarchy or "bad guys."  Once he is successful, he collects his rewards, which more than likely is a female character who is drawn to him after he is successful.  Sure, there are glimpses of quality life lessons in movies, but they're few and far between.

The Bechdel Test was created by Alison Bechdel as a way to identify gender bias in fiction.  It goes like this:  1. There are at least two [named] women in it; 2. who talk to each other; 3. about something besides a man.  Try this test on your favorite movies.  What does Hollywood tell our boys (and our girls) about how the world works?

Why is this relevant when we talk about manhood?  Of the 100 top movies from 2011, only 11 had a female protagonist.  This discovery shouldn't surprise us and really has little to do with manhood by itself.  However, consider that 1 in every 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  That's tragic considering how many victims there are.  The other piece of the puzzle, though, is that there are a lot of assailants behind those statistics.  What has shaped them?  The general message in movie is that the males' job is to defeat the bad guys and collect their reward, which is usually a female who doesn't talk to anyone.  There's potential that our boys are taking the message of these movies too seriously.  I'm not claiming there's a direct cause-and-effect correlation, however, if we're actively and passively teaching boys to exhibit their power without restraint, they will take what they want.  We have a responsibility to give these boys a clear vision of manhood that includes protecting others (especially women).

A survey of 11-14 year old kids from the NYC Alliance Against Sexual Assault found that:

• 51% of boys and 41% of girls believe that a man has a right to force a woman to kiss him if he "spent a lot of money on her."
• 32% of boys and girls say it is not improper for a man to rape a woman who has had past sexual experiences.
• 87% of boys and 79% of girls said rape is okay if a man and woman are married.
• 47% of all those surveyed said it was okay for a man to rape a woman he has been dating for more than 6 months.

These stats are alarming, to say the least.  Also, consider that 35% of college men indicated some likelihood that they would rape if they could be assured of not getting caught.  Where does this come from?

Again, I'm not suggesting that movies are the root of these attitudes and tendencies, but shouldn't we be making a more concerted effort to protect the hearts and minds of our children more than we are right now?  We're not going to change Hollywood or what kind of movies lead at the box office, however, we can create a new discourse and talk about what it means to be a man rather than passively allowing our boys to look to movies for heroes while failing to consider the long-term repercussions.  We must help our boys (and girls) learn how to protect what goes in so that we can protect what comes out.

Be on guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. - 1 Corinthians 16:13


Posted on the Raising A Modern Day Knight's Facebook page today:

Luke 2:52 ~ "And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in the favor with God and men."  There is no better way to describe a young person's development.  As parents, we long to see our children grow mentally (wisdom), physically (stature), spiritually (in favor with God), and socially (in favor with others).  Make this part of your daily prayer for your son.

The Bucket List

Before I got married, I made a fancy booklet for Liz of "100 Things to Do Before You Die."  Together, we've tried to do each one, almost like a Bucket List.   Some of the list included things like "Fall in love."  Check.  Other items are to visit a famous site like "The Great Wall of China."  Check.  There are a few prominent events like "Watch the launch of a space shuttle" or "Run a marathon."  Check, check (truth be told, Liz ran a marathon and I biked along side her).  I also included important milestones that we have checked like "Buy your own house and make it exactly what you want" and "Look into the eyes of your child, see yourself, and smile."

We keep the little booklet on the refrigerator as a friendly reminder to continue chasing our dreams and pursuing each other in of love.  We did the Disney thing, watched a baseball game in an outdoor park, spent New Year's in an exotic location, been to a large rock n' roll concert, grown a garden, had our portrait painted, found jobs that we love, etc.  We've enjoyed the process.  There have been a few items on the list that we've had the opportunity to experience on our own.  I visited a concentration camp a couple of years ago and Liz went to Neuschwanstein Castle.  We brought home souvenirs, though.

Now that we have a couple of children (and a third one just around the corner), most of our energy goes towards doing things as a family.  And it should.  Our kids have already experienced a lot that life has to offer.  Pontoon boats, sewerage treatment plants, swing sets and towers made of markers that go all the way to the ceiling fancy them right now.  We're excited to embark on many of life's great journeys with them, but we won't forget the valuable time with just the two of us.

Last summer we spent a week in the Portland, Oregon area.  We saw Mt. St. Helen's (one of the most underrated attractions in the US, by the way), did an 'official' Goonies pilgrimage to Astoria.  We also strolled up and down the Pacific Coast Scenic Byway and saw every major site feature in the movie as well as a few from the Twilight series.

This coming summer will require a lot of juggling to get our annual getaway set-up.  On the cover of our little booklet is a vintage advertisement from Hershey's Chocolate of a cute little girl with a bob haircut giving a little boy a Hershey's Kiss.  It looks like he's anticipating a different kind of kiss.  The catchphrase is "A Kiss for You."  I'd like to visit the Hershey's Factory and other Chocolate World attractions.  I suppose we could even bring the kids.  There is a piece of that puzzle that the kids wouldn't appreciate as much as Mom and Dad, though.  How does a chocolate fondue body wrap at the spa at Hotel Hershey sound?  I'm almost willing to bet that for my 9-month pregnant wife, she'd prefer the spa treatment to anything else in the world, except maybe a chocolate factory...maybe I'll get to check Hershey, PA off the list this year.

Lance: Forgiven

I took a few days to let the smoke settle after the Lance Armstrong interview to give my final assessment.  I had many productive and informative discussions with a variety of individuals regarding Armstrong.  Nearly everyone saw this day coming and throughout the whirlwind, no one seems to be surprised.

The final stages of the "unconstitutional witch hunt," as Armstrong called it, resulted in mountains of eye witness testimony that slowly changed the minds of American sports fans last summer and it became only a matter of time for all of the wheels fell off the proverbial wagon, and now they finally have.  It wasn't a sudden event that broke the news (like the Tiger Woods scandal, for instance), so Lance's fall from grace was gradual and his supporters drew their conclusions over time.  This allowed for people to cope with this mess and put everything in perspective.  Then, he did the interview with Oprah.

It's difficult to understand why Lance took the opportunity to do this interview.  Was it to be forgiven?  To start forgiving himself?  To make money?  To move on?  To control the narrative?  No one really knows.  Oprah asked him directly, however, his answer didn't reveal much.  I can only speculate it was a combination of many of those things.  Regardless of the motive, I believe it is time to move towards forgiveness.  Not because Lance Armstrong deserves to be forgiven, but because we've been forgiven (and we didn't deserve to, either).

It is possible to forgive Lance Armstrong for what he did.  And we all should.  He made a series of mistakes, admitted to them, [half-heartedly] has asked for forgiveness and is apparently moving in the opposite direction of those mistakes.  It meets the checklist, forgive him.

I had been wrestling with the idea of what it might look like if we all forgave Lance Armstrong.  Then I was humbled by the child-like faith of my 4-year old son Isaiah and realized what it ends up looking like is irrelevant.   During an overdramatic scene in our kitchen that involved two boys interested in the same wooden train, Isaiah was adamantly pleading his case to me when I explained to him that everything was going to be alright and that he needed to forgive his brother.  I'm sure he doesn't fully understand this concept, however, I explained to him that when someone does something that is 'naughty,' then admits they were naughty, says they're sorry and that they won't do it again, then we should forgive them because Christ has forgiven us.   It was text book parenting and an opportunity to teach one of life's precious principles, even if he's too young to grasp it.  Then, I remembered: more is caught than is taught and if my children are going understand how to forgive others, then they certainly need to see their dad demonstrating those words.

Is it any different when it comes to pre-school kids taking toys from each other and world class athletes breaking the rules?   I can just see the conversation taking place:

"Daddy, did he say he was naughty?  Did he say he was sorry and won't do it again?  Then you should forgive him, right, Daddy?"

"Right, son.  I should forgive him."

Forgiveness doesn't mean we dismiss accountability or that there aren't consequences for our actions.  Lance Armstrong is, and should be, banned from competition - probably for the rest of his life.  He will never carry the respect or platform of a champion athlete and will likely never get the opportunity or privilege to be a role model ever again.  In fact, Lance Armstrong is done.  He's over.  He'll always be a celebrity, but his fame is finished.  His legacy as an athlete has ceased to exist.  People won't tell their children about this once great champion.  We'll move on and forget about him entirely, much the same people have done about other scandalous figures in sports like Danny Almonte, Clem Haskins, Ben Johnson, Tonya Harding, etc.  There aren't many teenagers who recognize those names.  My children will know very little of Lance Armstrong 10 years from now because I'm not going to be talking about his greatness.  There are consequences for what he did, but he is forgiven.

Lance's Worldwide Exclusive, Part 1

Like many households across America, our house is buzzing about the scandalous cycling career of the once great Lance Armstrong.  It continues to be an intriguing story at every turn and Lance is dominating the headlines and social media circles.  He once represented excellence and was the poster child for overcoming adversity.  The biggest hero in sports, and possibly our entire society, has now morphed into one of the world's biggest villains.

Today Lance Armstrong finds himself as only a shell of what he once portrayed himself to be and in a significantly different position.  Instead of dominating from the offense, he's flailing on the defense.  Opinions about him are all over the spectrum, however, I'm trying to take a step back to see the situation for what it is: a human being being human.

I'm not about to excuse any of the behaviors that Lance Armstrong exhibited over the last two decades and I'll never condone decisions to operate outside of the rules and cheat.  I'm also not inclined to accept public apologies by public figures for their transgressions.  Last night I saw a prideful individual who showed very little remorse and was only sorry that he got caught.  For Lance, it seemed to be all about Lance.  He continues to prey on the gullibility and naivety of the American people.  Should we expect anything else?

As human beings, we're predisposed to think of ourselves first and foremost throughout the day in nearly every scenario and situation.  This is precisely what Lance Armstrong did, albeit at a colossal level, and has continued to do.  He was able to justify his decisions and behavior and focused on himself in the process.  It was never about others.  He didn't think about his legacy or those he had influenced, inspired and motivated.  He was focused solely on himself.  We're guilty of the same thing.  It's becoming more and more apparent that during this entire process involving Lance Armstrong, we've been focused solely on ourselves, too.

Lance let me down.  He was one of my role models.  I looked up to him.  I believed him.  I believed in him...me, me, me.  It's been all about me.  Chances are, you've done the same.  The truth is, we're all in a constant flux trying to get the universe to revolve around us.  I do it.  And so do you.  It's the single most unifying quality about mankind.  So, we're upset with others when they don't meet our expectations.  Lance made it very clear that he was adamant about controlling the narrative from day one.  For some sociopathic reason, he fails to see that he's still trying to control the narrative.  Aren't we all trying to control the narrative in our life, though?  We're all selfish beings, but that's not what all of this is about.  At least, not today.

We build up heroes so we can tear them down.  We find the athletes who enjoy the spotlight and we brightly let it shine on them until it burns out.  The good guys don't get the spotlight.  The truly great heroes in sports are the quiet ones.  The individuals who show up and do their job.  They have humble spirits and humble attitudes.  These kind of athletes go unnoticed because it's in their nature to do so.  We celebrate the show offs; the glory hounds and attention dogs.  As a result, we get characters instead of character.  We set the stage so failure is imminent.

We all set Lance Armstrong up for failure.  We all put him in a category of untouchable.  And he believed he was.  Of course, he did everything he could to assure failure in the end.  He's responsible for the decisions he made.  He decided to cheat, but we decided to put him on a pedestal.  His former teammates who consciously chose to bend the rules aren't victims, either, by the way.  They all balked at the opportunity to choose integrity, too.  That's where I find the biggest problem in this story.

We let those further down the pecking order off the hook.  They told on a guy out of envy for his success.  The same success they were trying to attain through cheating, but they never reaped the benefits.  Of course they're bitter.  The promise of PEDs didn't pan out for them.   It's as if we don't require them to comply to the standards.  It's no wonder the sports culture is a train wreck.  Grown men who vehemently cheated are suddenly victims?  What is that?  Excellence should be expected of everyone, regardless of their credentials or position.  We're creating an entire sub-culture of individuals who don't win while compromising ethics and integrity.  It's no wonder that when these people rise to the top they have no real understanding of right and wrong.

The only way to steer the ship in the right direction is to have high standards of ethics and integrity for every single individual who chooses to participate in sports.  No one gets a pass because of their ability or potential.   No one gets a pass because of their accomplishments.  No one gets a pass because they're victims.  No one gets a pass because they demand it.  Everyone must be expected to comply to a certain code, if you will.  Excellence in every facet of the individual's life is the only thing that can begin to change this sports culture of which Lance Armstrong is a product.

Part 2 airs tonight and you can bet that I'm going to tune in.  I'll share my thoughts about it tomorrow.

The depths of January

January is a very peculiar month for high school wrestlers. Take wrestling out of the equation and January is difficult for students all by itself.

Many kids returning to school from Christmas break experience an emotional let down going back after time off with family and friends. It can take weeks to get back into the routine of school. When they finally get back into the swing of things, the semester ends. Students then get a new set of classes and are forced to create an entirely new routine. Often times, relationships with other students are affected because of the change in routines. High level athletes are creatures of routine. On top of this, January is the coldest month of the year and has the least amount of sunlight. The middle of a frigid winter begins to take a toll on everyone. Add to all of this the demands of the wrestling season and things get strange.

January is the first full month of practice and competition and the "grind" sets in. November and December schedules are broken up with major holidays and family time, but January tends to become monotonous. Additionally, the work load and volume in the early weeks of January breaks down athletes physically and mentally and, as a result, individual performances leave much to be desired. Some take difficult loses at this time and others become discouraged while others choose to go down a weight class.

It's crucial that student-athletes are equipped to handle the adversity that takes place during this month if they desire to reach their goals at the end of the season. Come February, things change as athletes begin to prepare for tournament time. However, if they get stuck in the depths in January, they might not be able to recover mentally to enjoy the success that could come during a physical peak. Coaches are responsible to help athletes maintain a healthy perspective at all times and the demands for this are greatest in January.