High sense of entitlement, low sense of gratitude

This first topic - high sense of entitlement, low sense of gratitude - shapes the entire discourse on this subject. It's first on the list because it's most evident and most powerful. Additionally, it's not unique to athletics and is more so a result of child rearing than it is of the sports culture. However, the sports culture magnifies and multiplies the sentiment of entitlement coupled with a lack of gratitude. We're trained to be takers instead of givers and the sports culture rewards it.

Family psychologist John Rosemond penned the book Parenting By the Book and answers questions by parents on his website, rosemond.com. He explains Generation E's sense of entitlement like this:

When I began writing this column in 1976, I never thought parents would ever ask me for advice concerning problems with young adult children, and for many years they did not.

Over the past 10 years or so, however, as the pigeons of what I call Postmodern Psychological Parenting have come home to roost, more and more parents have asked me what to do about children (and they are most definitely still children) in their twenties and even thirties still living at home, still expecting their parents to solve their problems, and still acting irresponsibly.

For 40 years and counting, American parents have raised children in a manner that emphasizes feelings over rational thought and good citizenship.

With rare exception, post-1960’s “experts” encouraged parents to focus on the “inner child,” allow their children to express feelings freely, and cultivate high self-esteem.

In the home and America’s public schools, training children to think straight and prepare them for responsible adulthoods took a back seat to helping them feel good about themselves and protecting them from failure and disappointment.

The result is Generation E — self-absorbed young adults who have a high sense of entitlement and low regard for others...

...I know you would say you love your son, but let me challenge you: Love is doing for someone what they need, not what they want.

Years ago, the Wall Street Journal did a feature on "Trophy Kids" entering the workplace. They used the term "millennial generation" to describe individuals born between 1980 and 2001. The millennials were coddled by their parents and nurtured with a strong sense of entitlement.

In an article from October, 2008, Gretchen Neels, a Boston-based consultant, described a time when she was coaching a group of college students for job interviews and she asked them how they believe employers view them. She gave them a clue, telling them that the word she was looking for begins with the letter "e." One young man shouted out, "excellent." Other students chimed in with "enthusiastic" and "energetic." Not even close. The correct answer, she said, is "entitled." "Huh?" the students responded, surprised and even hurt to think that managers are offended by their highfalutin opinions of themselves.

This generation was treated so delicately that many schoolteachers stopped grading papers and tests in harsh-looking red ink. Some managers have seen millennials break down in tears after a negative performance review and even quit their jobs. "They like the constant positive reinforcement, but don't always take suggestions for improvement well," says Steve Canale, recruiting manager at General Electric Co. In performance evaluations, "it's still important to give the good, the bad and the ugly, but with a more positive emphasis."

Entitlement not only enters the workplace in the adult world, it enters the sports culture in the world of children. As a coach, do I have a responsibility to confront entitlement head-on? Should I aim to teach youth athletes about self-respect instead of self-esteem? I think so.

Kids come into our building with the belief that they're deserving or entitled to certain privileges. As a general rule, the more a parent is around (hovering), the more entitled, or exempt from the rules, the young athletes seem to believe they are. They are predisposed to believe their involvement is a right rather than a unique opportunity.

Unfortunately, I have to lay out our expectations of respect because, quite frankly, it's a foreign concept to a group of young athletes. We operate with high standards and have a few rituals that combat their sense of entitlement immediately. One seemingly small tradition is "having a seat" along the wall before and after practice. We share announcements and explain the expectations for each practice at the beginning and talk about life lessons at the end. It's a simple act of obedience that goes unnoticed for many who have been a part of Victory for an extended period of time, however, nearly every first time athlete notices and possesses an uncomfortable posture. Occasionally, an individual will have his own agenda and won't sit against the wall and we have to tell him that everyone must do so. What we're basically communication is, "you're not entitled here." It also signifies a beginning and an end to what we're doing. When we're finished, everyone shakes hands as an act of sportsmanship.

It's amazing how a simple gesture of sportsmanship creates a sense of gratitude. Individuals are humbled and I hear a lot of "thank you's" on the way out the door. I also make a point to thank them for coming. Practicing gratitude creates a grateful heart. I'm much more interested in working with a group of grateful athletes than I am with entitled ones, so we emphasize gratitude.

Today's Athletes - A Blog Series

Every few months I try to write a small series of blogs that are related in substance and topic. A couple of these series' received a lot of attention. Others, not so much. This week I plan on sharing a few ideas about the sports culture - something I'm very passionate about. I'd like to focus specifically on the athletes.

I hear coaches, parents, teachers and other adults claim that athletes today "are different." They say today's kids (athletes) don't work hard, don't respect authority, etc. I don't believe kids are different, however, the pressures surrounding them are new. This creates a different culture that turns out athletes that are unlike generations before them.

Below is a borrowed list of what I see the typical athlete in 2012 looks like:

1. High sense of entitlement, low sense of gratitude
2. Always makes withdrawals, rarely makes deposits
3. Demands rights, forsakes responsibilities
4. Doesn't follow through on commitments
5. Thinks what they're dealing with is the biggest deal
6. Excuses their own issues, picks out faults of others
7. Talks so much, listens so little
8. Wants success, won't work for it

I will focus on each of the eight characteristics of today's athletes in my upcoming posts. I encourage readers to offer their insights and opinions in an attempt to steer the ship in the right direction.

Many of these characteristics, I believe, are a result of the "exceptional child" movement. As in, every child is exceptional and unique. This mindset says that children are born perfect and it's our duty to keep them that way when, in fact, every child is born imperfect and hard wired for struggle.

I do believe everyone is created with uniqueness and distinction in the image of God, so they have intrinsic value. I also believe that kids are just that...kids. They are not, and should not, be the center of the universe. When they are - at home or as a result of sports - you get individuals who fit into every category of the above list. Chances are, if every night at your household revolves around practice and game schedules, your son or daughter has become the center of your universe and they are on a path to become the typical athlete mentioned above. Hopefully we can create a dialogue that empowers parents to take the control of their families back from sports. It might require some difficult decisions, though.

Disclaimer: I certainly don't believe I have all of the answers on how to make a difference. I might not have any. I see a fundamental error in how we, as a sports culture, do what we do and I'm trying to be the change I want to see in the world. I'm inviting you to help me.

Dual Tournaments

This is an interesting time of year in the wrestling world. Tomorrow, the Junior Duals national tournament begins. Recently, the Cadet and Schoolboy national dual meet tournaments took place. Additionally, several dual meet tournaments are taking place across the state. Dual meet events have taken over the summer training and camp experiences. It's feeding a culture of athletes, parents and coaches whose primary interest is competition, not practice.

I've shared my distaste for the national dual meet tournaments with several other coaches and get the sense that many believe they're not necessary, they're "too much," and the timing is not conducive to being successful in Fargo. Why aren't we talking about it openly then?

I've had many conversations with coaches and parents about summer dual meet events hosted by high school and college programs and hear similar feedback to what I believe: that these events aren't making kids better wrestlers. Then why do those same coaches take their team? Why are we investing so much time and money into opportunities that aren't improving our wrestlers? Why can't we have this conversation?

Not enough coaches are asking the important questions in regards to summer dual events. Why are we going? Some say to build team chemistry. Is it working? Can that actually be measured? Or is it all just an illusion? Are teams that participate in dual tournaments improving? I mean, are they getting better? Is it money well spent? High school and college programs enjoy hosting dual tournaments because it's easy money (and they need it to help support a program, I get that). Is that why we're doing it?

On a national level, do the Cadet and Junior duals make sense? Is is wise to wrestle 20 matches in four days? Does this make kids better? Does it burn them up for the rest of the summer? Is it cost effective? Why do we do it? USA Wrestling and other organizations endorse it, is that reason enough for us to do it and does it benefit our wrestlers? Are we becoming a you-rah-rah team sport and are we supposed to develop superficial friendships through experiences like this?

I have a lot of questions about dual meet tournaments and it seems like I'm the only one asking them. When I do, I get answers that lead me to believe that I'm not alone on the potential harm of these events in June and July. Why aren't we talking about it at board meetings, on the forums, at tournaments, etc.?

"National" tournaments

If you've read any of my previous posts over the past few years, you're well aware of my thoughts on the direction of youth sports. I won't spend time today giving background for the reasons I believe what I believe, but I do want to make a point on "national" tournaments for youth athletes.

I've been around a large number of young athletes over the past few weeks at various camps and I'm conducting a little experiment. I'm simply asking random kids if they can define a few words for me. One of those words is "national." I have found that nearly every kid 10 years old and younger cannot accurately define the word. If they cannot define the word, certainly I have grounds to believe that they don't value "national" tournaments or understand their significance. Parents do. The kids are just interested in the water slides that follow the event.

This is important to understand if we're in a position to develop athletes and hope to grow the sport of wrestling (or any other youth sport). I maintain that parents are driving youth sports and creating and taking advantage of opportunities based on what they want rather than what their kids need. In the end, it undermines the development and growth of their children.

We're losing sight of what's important - a healthy perspective. I had a little wrestler attend camp last weekend who was a total spitfire and physically ahead of the curve for his age. However, he wore sweatpants from Carter's. With young children of my own, I know that Carter's is a baby clothing store. That made it easy for me to maintain a healthy perspective with this little kid. He is still wearing clothing from a baby store, so he's probably not in a position to be wrestling at national tournaments (or even state or regional tournaments). This goes along with the kid who cannot put his own wrestling shoes on or tie them without Mom or Dad's help; he's probably not physically or mentally capable of learning complex wrestling skills and chain wrestling no matter how much his parents want him to.

Let's maintain a healthy perspective in youth sports and remember that they're children. Do we really need "national" tournaments for 6 year olds?

Ask questions

My oldest son, Isaiah, is in a stage of life that has him asking question after question. The word used most in his vocabulary is "why?" Of course, I encourage him to ask questions because they help him learn and us what is important to him.

I ask a lot of questions, too. I often ask others why others do what they do. I'm interested in their "story" and what motivates them. Leaders are learners and learners need to ask questions to understand how others view the world.

Our questions help us learn. They also communicate our values.

I distinctly recall my parents asking how events and school activities went. They communicated to me that they were interested in me being my best and doing my best. Their questions always revealed their values. They didn't ask what grade I had earned or if I won or lost. Often times, parents (and coaches) say they simply want their kids to give their best effort, but the questions they ask reveal otherwise. Did you win? Did you pass? What was the score? What grade did you get? These are questions that are focused on the outcome, not the process. They really have very little to do with giving the best effort. Kids can tell what their parents value based on the questions they ask.

Imagine for a moment that you receive a phone call from authorities explaining that there has been accident involving someone you love. Isn't the first thing that comes out of your mouth extremely important? Is everyone alright? How's the car? Both of these questions communicate your values and you had better get that right.

Listen to the questions you're asking and be sure they're the ones you want to ask. Think what is most important and ask questions that reflect your values, and ask a lot of questions.